Eve of my Birthday

(Yes, I understand this entry wasn't really up at the date it's time-stamped, but I was comatose my whole Birthday weekend ...)

My Facebook status since yesterday had read:

Oh what a cockblock. On my Birthday, Kelly Clarkson (a.k.a. my future baby's mama) will be performing in Manila, Philippines (my 2nd home) of all places. Of all the years to not go back home for my BDay. To paraphrase Spartacus, "Once again the gods spread cheek to ram cock in f***ing ass [for my BDay]."

Guro had to postpone Filipino Martial Arts (FMA) training again. I burned about 400 calories at the gym again. I watched a new episode of Degrassi and then some of Smallville before I had to skip out to buy cupcakes for my LSAT class tomorrow. I also claimed my rain check from a sale a while ago and got 4 boxes of Dole juice. Cupcakes and juice were all less than $10. Sweet.

Then I went to Islands in Burbank for a pre-Birthday party for Arthur and me (we have the same Birthday). Those present: Mark, Erica, Arthur's girlfriend (Mayra), and Arthur's friends (Aurellio, Athena, Catalina, Ivan, and Chris). I got a Bleunami burger and the largest mug of Newcastle beer on draft.

MARK: Ryan thinks Islands is a rip off. That's why he missed my Birthday (last September).
RYAN: Yeah ... it's just I couldn't miss my own pre-Birthday party.

Topics covered over dinner:

• It was fucked up Kelly Clarkson will be performing in Manila, Phillipines for my Birthday without me there.
• How Arthur and I met at a strip club.

ARTHUR: For some reason, I remember you wearing a fur coat.
CHRIS: Wait, so you were in a room full of naked chicks and all you remember was what one guy was wearing?
[Everyone laughs at Arthur]

• I'll be using cupcakes to earn points with the chicks in my LSAT class.
• How I can't believe I'm being cockblocked from Jackie by her bf who is "not a looker chubby, and his hair sucks."

ATHENA: He must be funny. You gotta step up the funny!

And then Arthur and I each got our own piece of free mudpie cake with a candle on it while everyone sang Happy Birthday to us.

Then we went to Fantasia's (pool hall). Mark got the bartender to FINALLY make me a real snakebite (which I haven't had since maybe August 2006). Everyone bought Arthur and I the following drinks: 2 birthday shots, liquid cocaine, patron, long island iced tea, and I think I'm still missing a couple. Aftermath: Arthur passed out and was puking all over himself, so we had to carry him out of there. AND I still had to help Cataline and Mayra finish their Adios Mutherfuckers.

After we carried Arthur's body into his backseat, Mark, Erica, and I went to Cafe-O (hookah place). The waitress was a cute black chick who then addressed me as "Birthday boy." She's in my database. I discretely puked in the restroom. Mark drove my car home while Erica followed with Mark's car.

Thinking about bringing cupcakes

I lifted heavy at the gym for the 12th day of this new regiment. I've been watching reruns of Spartacus: Blood and Sand On Demand since last Friday, but only whenever my mommy's not home. Loving how every episode has a quota for softcore sex (as well as bloody violence).

I took my sweet time eating my Thai BBQ and walked into my LSAT class 20 minutes late while they were already taking a quiz. I casually started when I sat down. I did pretty OK on the quiz considering I was late.

Jackie introvertedly sat alone as always. I noticed she was wearing the same plaid coat that she was wearing last Tuesday. I guess she's one of those chicks with a regular outfit. Ginger and I almost bumped into each other again when passing through the door at the same time. She politely smiled. I smiled back. I got a boner. That chick Vanessa (who was digging my hair that one time) was showing more skin as she was wearing a tanktop. I guess it reinforced my boner. She's not ugly, so if I had to, I guess I'd hit it just to be nice since she was digging my hair after all. If I had to.

RYAN: How many students are in the class?
SISSY: 17.
RYAN: I'm thinking about bringing cupcakes.
SISSY: I'm telling everyone!

We were going home when Beatrize called out to me ...

BEATRIZE: You're not taking the shortcut?
RYAN: Oh yeah, the shortcut.

I hate to sound like an ass, but why is she still talking to me if she's taken? (That is, if I did hear correctly when she addressed someone on her phone as babe.) So we walked to our cars again.

Return of tito Noel

Guro had to reschedule our Filipino Martial Arts (FMA) training again, which was already rescheduled from last Monday, to Friday.

I rocked a new song at guitar practice at 4:00PM, which I rescheduled from yesterday.

I wished Masa a Happy Birthday. Then wished my friend Chris from Arkansas a belated Happy Birthday.

Then my mommy and I went to see tito Noel for the 1st time in maybe a year at his new place. He trimmed and fixed my hair. Then cut my mommy's hair. Caught some of American Idol while there. Then came home to Ultimate Fighter.

Completed my collection with Selena Gomez

Today was my 11th day of this new heavy lifting regiment at the gym. I'm planning to try something new after 21 days.

I rescheduled my guitar class for tomorrow because I had business to attend to ...

So I found a Borders that still had the Prom edition of those Seventeen magazines with jackoffable jailbait Selena Gomez on the cover. Last night, I had to drive to a Barnes & Noble in Burbank just to pick up the one with Ashley Greene on the cover. Today's supposed to be the last day those magazines are on display. And guess what? That Borders was just a cross street away from my LSAT class! Perfect.

The cashier chick looked at the magazine with Selena Gomez on the cover, did a double take at me, kept her composure as she tried not to laugh, and did the transaction.

Vanessa (the chick who was digging my hair that one time) looked embarrassingly futile looking for parking. I was opening the door to my LSAT class when that chick Ginger, whom I've been busting a #3 to, was walking out at the same time. We nearly bumped into each other. She politely smiled. I smiled back. I got a boner.

Brady shared that his score actually plummetted after the 2nd practice test. We then took our 3rd practice test. I'm sure I bombed this one. I went home and caught what I can of Glee and then WWE NXT, a.k.a. The "American Dragon" Bryan "Daniel Bryan" Danielson Show.

Even prison sends out orders for Twilight

Guro no-showed our 10:00AM Filipino Martial Arts training with his roommate Cynthia having to text for him that they had an emergency. I burned about 400 calories (according to the treadmill) at the gym instead. I came back to my car to find that someone parked their car against my bumper to try to avoid the red line on the curb. I remembered Michelle saying she keyed a car that did this to her once. So I then keyed this car. Moral of the story: It's more difficult keying a car with your left hand when your right-handed.

I watched a rerun of Spartacus: Blood and Sand. The episode had an exhibitionist sex scene. Chick was hot. I looked up the actress' resume online and busted a #3 to her.

My mommy and I ate at Rubio's. The worker (his name tag says Dustin) has already memorized that I always get the enchilada plate.

Then it was mission time: I went through Borders and Barnes & Noble in Glendale to look for the Teen Prom magazines, one about Selena Gomez and the other Ashley Greene. Don't judge me. They're both in my database. I had to drive to Burbank before I finally found the edition with Ashley Greene. (Those mags are supposed to be on display until tomorrow.)

RYAN: (Lying) I'm supposed to ask if you got this edition with Selena Gomez on the cover.
CASHIER CHICK: (Trying not to laugh) Let me check. Well, it's not showing up, so this is all we got.
RYAN: Ok, cool, I'll just take this Ashley Green one.
CASHIER CHICK: Would you like a bag?
RYAN: Yeah, I'd prefer not to be seen with that.
CASHIER CHICK: [Laughs.] Whenever a guy buys this stuff, I always assume he has a little sister or something.
RYAN: Um ... yeah ... that's it. For my little sister.
CASHIER CHICK: [Gives me suspicious, knowing look.]
RYAN: But one time, I bought a girl's magazine with Kelly Clarkson on the cover because she's like my future baby's mama. And the dude cashier looked at me weird and I was like, "What?"
CASHIER CHICK: Oh, that's nothing. I've seen worse. A lady was paying for stuff and her son, who couldn't have been older than 16, put a porn magazine on top of the pile for her to pay for. And I was like, "You have a very open relationship."
RYAN: Whoa.
CASHIER CHICK: Oh, and we've received orders from PRISON for Twilight, so I guess that book does get around.

That's a buzz kill

I was hung over when Eugene called me this morning at 9:15AM to go to Renaissance Faire. But then ha said that everyone cancelled and it would just be us with Stef. I said, "That's a buzz kill." He agreed. So we rescheduled.

I went to church, lifted heavy in the gym, and my mommy and I had dinner at Zono Sushi for the 1st time since I-don't-even-remember.

Happy Birthday Kelly Clarkson

I walked into my LSAT class late because I hate waking up early on Saturdays. I walked by Jackie and thought to myself, I jacked off to you last night. (I don't use my code words when talking to myself.) Then I headed for the empty seat in front of Ginger. Ginger looked up at me briefly to smile as if like, "What's up?"

INNER RYAN: I had you in the shower last night. That's what's up.

Then Beatrize walked in practically 2 hours into the class! And I thought I was late. After class ...

BEATRIZE: You know there's a shortcut [to where we park], right?
RYAN: No.
BEATRIZE: I'll show you. I was thinking, "Should I show him? Oh, all right, I'll show him."
INNER RYAN: Why is she still talking to me if she's taken? (see entry 4/22/10)

So Beatrize got into her car. And I put my sweater into my trunk ... And then she took of her sweater, showing more skin, before putting on her seatbelt. For some reason, seeing more skin gave me a boner. If only this was a porn flick, we would've proceeded to run at each other and collide in the middle of the street for bow chicka wow wow. But nooo ... In this real life, she drove off, but waved at me as she went.

I went to Bob's Big Boy across the street for a chilli cheese burger, fries and chocolate milk shake. Then returned for my tutoring session with our LSAT teacher. She was tutoring Jackie before me.

RYAN: So how was it?
JACKIE: Good. Very helpful. She tells you what to study.

Jackie said all this with enthusiasm and a smile. Dude, smiling while talking to me ... that's, like, talking sex.

Then it was my turn with our teacher. I still can't believe her name's Sissy. Who names their kid, Sissy?

SISSY: What day is today?
RYAN: Kelly Clarkson's Birthday.
SISSY: Kelly Clarkson's Birthday? [Starts singing badly Since U Been Gone]
RYAN: In a perfect world, she'd be my future baby's mama.
SISSY: Nice.

Oh that's cool that our teacher is down with my humor. Anyway, she gave me a strict study schedule to go by.

Then Brandon invited me over last second to watch the WEC fights. Dammit, I didn't have time to do reconnaissance around the Red Robin to renew Jazz in my database.

Anyway, it was another Kraken rum & coke night at Brandon, Morgan, and Hasel's place. But they also had leftover Sam Adam's Winter Lager and a keg of Heineken.

MORGAN: So what have you been doing to prepare for the LSAT?
RYAN: I've just been jacking off to my classmates a lot.
BRANDON: [Laughs] That was epic!
MORGAN: If I outlive you, my eulogy at your funeral will go, [pretends to pull out a list] "And by the way, he jacked off to you ... he jacked off to you ... please don't get out of your seat, he jacked off to you too ... and the winner with the most times is ..."

We went to Del Taco for some drunken eating. Morgan bought me burritos again. The same cashier from last time recognized us (see entry 3/28/10).

CASHIER: What happened to your friend? (Referring to the crazy "red belt guy")
BRANDON: Oh we killed him.

Finally saw Phillip Johnson again by happenstance

I lifted heavy at the gym. I watched an all new episode of Degrassi. While circling the Red Robin, I saw Phillip Johnson, one of my best friends from high school, at the mall with his girlfriend and finally saw their daughter for the 1st time. The baby's shy and adorable. But dammit, Jazz wasn't working tonight. I ended the night with Smallville, WWE Smackdown, and figured out how to watch past episodes of Spartacus: Blood and Sand On Demand. Oh, and then I busted a #3 to Ginger from my LSAT class. Oh, and what the heck, I threw Jackie in there too.

Still don't know shit about Basketball, but I was doing it for the nookie

I met this dude named Ray at the gym. He was wearing an Inosanto Academy tanktop. (Dan Inosanto is best relatable to the casual fan as the late Bruce Lee's best friend/hand-selected heir to his Martial Arts system.) Ray says Inosanto would cost $168/month for unlimited hours. And what a small world: Ray used to train in Capoeira under Andres (my current Capoeira teacher), but had to stop because he lived too far away and now he trains with the Besouro group.

RAY: Please don't tell Andres you saw me!
RYAN: If it makes you feel any better, I started out with Batuque, but quit because I lived too far away from them.

There's a lot of drama and politics among Capoeira groups. They get pissed if you switch groups.

I went to my LSAT class.

RYAN: So I did my homework. The 1st Chronic came out on December 15, 1992.
TEACHER: You hear that Vanessa? It was 1992.

Vanessa's the chick that was digging my hair. She thought the 1st Chronic came out in 1989.

During break, I joined Ben and Beatrize in the lounge to "watch" the Basketball game. Jackie walked in with her ugly, chubby, bad-haired boyfriend. Again, Jackie's not that hot, but I can't believe I can be cock-blocked by someone ugly, chubby, and with bad hair! Anyway, I don't know shit about Basketball. I don't even know who was playing. But everytime Beatrize yelled at the TV, I also yelled, making something up. Ha. And then she got on the phone with someone whom she referred to as "babe." What the fuck? If she's taken, why the hell does she keep talking to me?

I met Mark at the hookah place after class.

RYAN: Dude, if all the average girls are taken, then I don't even wanna try for the pretty ones anymore.
MARK: Did it ever occur to you that the reason why all the average girls are taken is because all the dudes thought the same way as you? That means the pretty girls are untouched! You have a chance!

Oh, and Mark is gonna have a serious talk with Erica over the weekend that determines if they break up or stay together.

"The guitar is like an extension of your penis."

I lifted heavy in the gym and then rocked at guitar practice. There are times when I'm really feeling it and I feel like I can make any girl take her clothes off just by playing. Today was one of those days. I remember when my 1st guitar teacher taught me, "The guitar is like an extension of your penis." Then I finished the night with American Idol and The Ultimate Fighter. What a simple Hump Day.

Happy 4/20

I burned about 400 calories (closer to 500, though) according to the treadmill at the gym.

Then I rewarded myself by busting a #3 to that MILF Serena who was at Eugene and Stefanie's play last Sunday (see entry 4/18/10).

I got a text message from that raver chick Allison from Palmdale just to wish me Happy 420. But I always get a boner whenever she text me.

I went to my LSAT class. I noticed that chick Jackie always sits alone except for the couple of times that I sat at the same table as her. She looked better today since it looked like she fixed her bangs. (Before it looked like she cut it herself and messed up.)

TEACHER: So what's the worst thing to do at the LSAT?
BRADY: Come stoned.
[Other people give other answers.]
TEACHER: So blah, blah, blah and what else?
BRADY: Come stoned and stay stoned.
TEACHER: Yeah, that's the worst thing you can do.
BEN: Or it could be the best thing to get your mind off other stuff.
TEACHER: (On that note) Homework for next time, find out when the 1st Chronic came out. Not Chronic 2001.

Vanessa, the chick who was digging my hair, says the 1st Chronic came out in 1989. Anyway, back to LSAT ...

So after class, I tried talking to the introverted Jackie. Then she walked off with some dude who might be her boyfriend, but if so ... What the EF? The dude may be tall, but he's ugly and chubby! I mean, Jackie's not hot. I only busted a #3 to her because she's sort of cute and vaguely reminds me of the everyday chick in homemade porn. But how the hell am I being cock-blocked by a dude who's ugly and chubby? And I'M supposed to be hot!

Went home to catch the remainder of WWE NXT, a.k.a. The "American Dragon" Bryan "Daniel Bryan" Danielson Show to cheer me up.

I called Brian a used car salesman

Guro and I had Filipino Martial Arts (FMA) training today. For my mental note - boring for you, but important for my reference:

• Counters for 1st angle of attack: 1) Wing block, pass, smash the hand, smash the elbow, smash the neck. 2) Cross block, pass into stick-jab to the face, smash the wrist, stick-jab the elbow, stick-jab the head. 3) Stick-uppercut the wrist, flick-smash the wrist, stick-jab the face.
• Counters for 2nd angle of attack: 1) Cross block, smash wrist, stick-jab elbow ... face. 2) Wing block, smash wrist, stick-jab elbow ... face. 3) Cross block, pass into smash the hand, etc.
• Counters for 3rd angle of attack: 1) Cross block, pass into flick-smash the wrist, etc. 2) Flick to deflect, flich-smash the wrist, etc. 3) Step back for leg to dodge, empty-hand pass, smash the wrist, etc.
• Counters for 4th angle of attack: 1) Flick to deflect knife, drop-stick, stick-uppercut the wrist, etc. 2) Flick to deflect knife, jam hand behind their elbow, smash the wrist, etc. 3) Flick to deflect knife, drop-stick into disarm, smash the wrist with butt the butt of the stick, etc.
• Then we reviewed sumbrada, or the fighter flow drill.

Then I lifted heavy at the gym.

I visited Brian at the GNC to buy a bottle of Isopure.

RYAN: So Mr. GNC, which one of these ready-made drinks has Branch Chain Amino Acids?
BRIAN: Well, sir, they all do.
RYAN: But it doesn't say that in the ingredients.
BRIAN: They do.
RYAN: What about glutamine?
BRIAN: They do.
RYAN: You're not trying to be like a used car salesman, are you?

Some lady there gave us DVDs to check out Pre Paid Legal. Boring.

Mario walked in. Haven't seen him in a while. Last I heard, he was fucking some prostitute in Tijuana with no condom.

MARIO: I saw 2 good movies: Bruno. If you don't like it, you have to be a homophobe. And Religilous.

Also, Saul is working at the Pasadena GNC now. Random mental note: Try out Halodrol (testosterone boosters), but only for 6 weeks, and then cycle on Novadex (estrogen blockers).

Ended the night with Dancing with the Stars, WWE Raw (but starring the Smackdown roster because the Raw roster is stranded in Ireland due to volcanoes), and studying for the LSAT.

Just remembered that a chick has masturbated to me before

My mommy and I went to church. Father Pat was celebrating 25 years of priesthood and there was a huge potluck in the Incarnation School area where I stuffed myself with 2 kinds of lasagna, other pasta, potatoes, hot dog, egg rolls, spinach, meatballs, other stuff I can't remember, cookies, cupcakes, apple pie, stuff from Porto's Bakery, and punch. Then it was time to go to Filipino Martial Arts (FMA) training ...

I was 30 minutes late because Guro gave me bad directions AND there was only 1 line for hundred of cars to get inside Griffith Park. Guro's roommate Cynthia was there. She was about to pass out because they went hiking. I basically just reviewed 3 counters for attack angles 1-3.

Then my mommy and I went to go see Eugene and Stefanie's 7:00PM play. I was driving Fast and Furious style, making mommy nervous. By 7:20PM, we thought we were late. But they had to delay it to 8:00PM because the whole audience was late. Someone named Serena guided me with directions to get there on Eugene's phone. When I arrived, Serena turned out to be an aight, barely jackoffable MILF. She's supposed to be part-Filipina, but I don't see it.

I didn't understand what the heck the play was about. Of their 5 actors, I've met Anieszka and Joshua before. I recognized Davis as someone that Eugene and Stef's friend - I'll refer to her by her last name Izawa (because her 1st name's Jackie, but I don't want to confuse her with Jackie from my LSAT class whom I busted a #3 to) - pitifully tried to throw herself at. Izawa has actually masturbated to ME before. (I have no idea what chicks' codeword for it is when they do it.) Anyway, Davis was crushin' on my hair.

Can't remember when was the last time I saw Eugene. But I last saw Stef when she drew the wolfpac tattoo on my arm last Halloween. Then my mommy and I ate dinner at Cheesecake Factory.

"Hey, you don't know it, but we've been going out for a few months now."

I walked into my 10:00AM LSAT class today a few minutes late because I was up late last night busting a #3 twice. I walked by Jackie and mentally said to her, Haha, I jacked off to you last night. Then I took the empty seat in front of Ginger and mentally said to her, Haha, I jacked off to you last night. Ginger had her hair down for the 1st time today. She normally has it in a ponytail. Her hair down looked so good it gave me a boner.

TEACHER: What's the answer? [Looks at me.] Ryan?
RYAN: (Blankly) Umm ...
BEATRIZE: "D."
TEACHER: Correct.
RYAN: "D."
[Everyone laughs.]
TEACHER: I'm gonna call on you again! Don't think I'm letting you get away with that!

Cute. Anyway, Beatrize is someone I've said is jackoffable, but preferably with beer goggles. When class was over, I was walking behind Ginger until the crosswalk when Beatrize came up to me ...

BEATRIZE: I think you and I are the only ones who park there. I don't think anyone else knows about those spots. But don't tell them.
RYAN: Yeah, that's our little secret.
BEATRIZE: You're in the silver honda, right?
RYAN: Yeah, what are you in?
BEATRIZE: The black camry. I have a mustang, but I don't wanna drive it here. I'm paranoid.

So I guess I have a shot, but now I just need beer goggles. I lifted heavy in the gym. Then I was on the phone with Morgan while doing reconnaissance around the Red Robin ...

MORGAN: You should just ask that girl out.
RYAN: I've been trying to look for an opener!
MORGAN: How 'bout going up to her and saying, "I'm just talking to my friend right now about stalking you."
RYAN: That could work.
MORGAN: If you've been doing this for a while, you're "technically in a relationship" with this girl. You can actually say to her, "Hey, you don't know it, but we've been going out for a few months now."

Went home to watch the Strikeforce fights on CBS. Then extracted the database. Went for multiple rounds again. I had Jazz, Ginger with her hair down, and finally tried Beatrize out.

Extract, reload, extract

I ran for half an hour at the gym.

Surprisingly, I didn't get a text from Andres today about Capoeira training. I hope he's not just giving the silent treatment for missing last Friday's important training, which again I missed in favor of waiting for my mommy to bring home a grilled cheese sandwich.

I caught an all new episode of Degrassi, the continuation of last week's episode hinting at guy-on-guy pedophilia between coach and student. Yup, they went there today, although the guy-on-guy pedophilia happens off-screen. But still extreme.

My mommy sent me to Ralphs to take advantage of their 1PM-9PM sale. I got a pack of 7 chicken breasts, a pack of 35 shrimps, and 8 avocados, all for about $11. The cashier tried guessing if I was Hawaaian. Wrong. The she guessed Filipino. Correct. She was hitting on me hard. But unfortunately, she wasn't jackoffable.

I ended the night with a new episode of Smallville, WWE Smackdown, and the season finale of Spartacus: Blood and Sand. Tits, softcore sex, and violence! Then fired up the porn. I extracted Jackie from my LSAT class from my database, gave my body a few minutes to reload, and then extracted Ginger from my LSAT class from my database.

Tiwat goes to jail today

So i never heard back from Tiwat last night, but he goes to jail today. Oh well.

I lifted heavy in the gym and then ate a steak and cheese sandwich from Subway.

I went to my LSAT class. Yeah, I think the chick who sits behind me - I think her name's Vanessa (not to be confused with the new kid Vanessa in Capoeira training) - might like me after all. Our teacher took the night off because we were taking our 2nd diagnostic test throughout the whole class. But the test conductor was taking role call ...

TEST CONDUCTOR: Ryan?
VANESSA: He's here (pointing to me).
BEATRIZE: (Joking) Hey, you have a spokesperson.
VANESSA: No, I mean ... [Nervously laughs it off]

Beatrize, who I've said would be jackoffable with beer goggles, noticed I have a Philippine Airlines sticker on my backpack. She told me she took a trip there despite not being Filipina (she's Latina). Impressive. She told me she enjoyed eating balut (duck fetus), saying, "The head tasted like oyster." Now THAT's impressive.

Ben's at Coachella. I noticed during role call, the name Kira Conner was called. That's the one that Matt and I joked about "jacking off to a last name" because "Conner" has a significance to us as Terminator fans. But that chick never showed up again after the 1st class.

Ended the night by mallratting at the Americana and finally called up Moe, who I haven't spoken to since the Scream Shop he was working in closed in the Galleria right before my last trip to the Philippines.

490.9 calories in 4.58 miles

Late last night, I was Facebook stalking when I finally managed to find Jazz's profile on Facebook! Do you have any idea what this means? It means I can now reinforce the database in between renewing the database! God I'm glad I can bust a #3 again now that Lent is over! (Never again am I giving that up.)

I burned 490.9 calories in the distance of 4.58 miles, according to the treadmill, at the gym.

I visited Brian at the GNC to apologize for missing his Birthday, which I just remembered today. I arrived at the end of Iam's shift. Iam was doing dumbbell (15 lbs.) forearm curls, 7 sets of 40 reps, nonstop on each arm.

BRIAN: I went to the strip club for my Birthday. All the strippers could smell weed on me. This Asian stripper took me to the back for a lap dance, made me rub hand sanitizer on my hands, and then let me touch her breasts and finger her.

Sweet. Then he updated me on Mario.

BRIAN: Mario has been going to Mexico for the past few weeks where he fucks this stripper without a condom. He says she likes him because he's American, but she has a kid and some head issues. She even calls his house! I have no idea why he would give her his number!
RYAN: So why is he fucking her with no condom?
BRIAN: I have no idea.
RYAN: So Mario is the Emmanuel of sex.
(Joke: That annoying kid Emmanuel has the worst reputation for stubbornness.)
BRIAN: Yup, he's the Emmanuel of sex!
RYAN: And we're just the Emmanuel of drinking alcohol.
BRIAN: [Laughs] Yup, we're just the Emmanuel of drinking.

I studied my LSAT lessons for the rest of the day.

I was trying to make plans with Tiwat to hang out since he goes to jail tomorrow, but he never called me back.

I ended the night with American Idol and The Ultimate Fighter.

Found my LONGBOARD!

My long board has been missing for maybe 11 months! It was in the trunk of my car buried under all this junk.

I lifted heavy at the gym. I'm not a fan, but I thought this kid's song was kind of catchy, so I used it to get hyped up for the gym:



Plus, I'd tap the main chick, in an ephebophilia sort of way.

I rocked at guitar practice. I was feeling it today. It was one of the teacher's Birthday and management got him a coffee cake. The cake had his name spelled wrong. It spelled it as "Micheal" ("a" goes before "e").

I was eating my piece of cake while driving home with my window down, blasting Kelly Clarkson, when a SUV full of chicks pulled up next to me at the stop light with their own loud music and they were like, "I want cake!" Damn right they wanted my cock.

I went to my LSAT class. There were only 2 jackoffable chicks: Ginger, who's mentioned she's Asian despite looking White, and Jackie, who might've been the chick that took the diagnostic test with me on the same day (couldn't recognize her without the beret she wore on that test day). Jackie just looks "eh," but I guess her face vaguely reminds me of those typically in the homemade porn videos I've seen. Ginger and Jackie are now in my database. God it feels great to be able to bust a #3 again (see entry 3/10/10).

1) The teacher says she's "loving the hair." (Yes, she was talking to me.)
2) When class was done, I was walking out the door and I held it open for the chick walking behind me ...

CHICK BEHIND ME: Thanks, Ryan.
INNER RYAN: What the heck? She knows my name?
CHICK BEHIND ME: I love your hair. I was sitting behind you and I was just looking at it.

Score. I have no reason to put this chick in my database, but she's not ugly either. I mean, I guess I'd have to hit it if it came down to taking whatever I can get. Besides, she does like my hair. That kind of enthusiasm does work wonders during - as they say in A Clockwork Orange - the in-out. I should pay attention for her name.

RYAN: I'm getting a lot of these answers wrong.
CHICK BEHIND ME: I got a 137 on the diagnostic test and I'm still optimistic.

Holy crap! That's lower than what I got! Hooray! I'm not the dumbest person in class!

RYAN: That's inspiration for me.

Glee returned tonight with an all new episode. I caught what I can and finished the night with WWE NXT, a.k.a. The Daniel Bryan (a.k.a. The "American Dragon" Bryan Danielson) Show, afterward.

Let's see if I can sum up Monday in 1 sentence

It rained, it stopped raining, repeat, the sun came out, it rained again, repeat, so Guro cancelled Filipino Martial Arts (FMA) training due to unpredictable weather, thus I went to the gym, saw Street Fighter: Legend of Chun Li on cable (it was horrible), made plans with Tiwat to hang out before he goes to jail on Thursday, studied for the LSAT while Brian at the GNC texted me about the UFC 112 fights last Saturday, and ended the night with the 1st hour of Dancing with the Stars and WWE Raw guest-hosted by David Hasselhoff.

Bigger than usual

I went to church and then lifted heavy in the gym.

My mommy and I went to Red Robin for dinner. Despite always walking around there, this was my 1st time actually eating there since Michelle came to visit last March. I noticed Hazel (my substitute database whenever Jazz isn't there) has since been promoted from hostess to waitress. Our waitress for the night was named Jackie. I'm sure a lot of people would put Jackie in their databases, but I'm just bored of asian chicks after being around them all the time while growing up. Jazz wasn't working tonight, but then unexpectedly ...

An off-duty Jazz walked in, in her street clothes and hair down, apparently to visit her coworkers. Not only was it my 1st time seeing her out of uniform, but 1st time seeing her with her hair down (it's always in a ponytail). Looked good. Since this was a 1st impression, understandably my boner was bigger than usual. I had to check under the table. Discretely, mind you. I then noticed our waitress, Jackie, sitting down to chill with Jazz. Awesome.

After seeing me pick out all the strawberries from my finished freckled lemonade with a fork, some dude waiter was nice enough to pass me a cup of extra strawberries. My mommy had half of her salmon burger to go. I got garlic fries and an extra freckled lemonade to go.

FINALLY, after 120 days, Hallelujah

I started the morning with LSAT class at 10:00AM. Then watched some of the UFC 112 fights online (they aired at 10:00AM because they were held in Dubai). Then burned 458 calories in the gym (according to the treadmill).

I went to the mall to stare at Jazz to renew her in my database before picking up Matt to go to PWG. As soon as I walked in, I saw Buggy looking at me. I waved. She waved back. The only familiar face there to sit with was Sam. Lisa, the bartender whom I bust a #3 to, wasn't there. Boo. But the asian bartender who always notices me was. The chick that Chad and I both bust a #3 to wasn't there. Boo. But the chick who always has a flower in her hair was. And there were a couple of new additions to my database: A brunette who had long braids on each side, wearing one of those "I (heart)" shirts, and some darker blond chick who wore a black sweater (she didn't have much that was distinguishable).

RYAN: Lisa not working tonight?
ASIAN BARTENDER: No. She had (irritatingly) "prior engagements."

The asian bartender (I should ask for her name someday so I know what to call her) was tired really fast working alone. I was the 2nd person to order a pitcher of Sam Adams Summer Ale on tap AND the last as they ran out when it only filled up half of my 2nd pitcher. Bartender only charged me half price for that one. That time, Sam and I were too busy chatting and noticed bartender looked really tired staring at us when we noticed it was my turn. How cute. Sam couldn't finish her pitcher, so she gave it to me and Matt. Sweet!

Finally introduced myself to this dude named Jubs because we have a mutual friend in Gumby. Michelle once said Jubs asked her to a WWE show, but only said 2 things to her the whole time. Ha. What a douche. Matt and I ended the night with some Wendy's burgers. And then it was time ...

After giving up masturbation for Lent, but being cockblocked last Easter weekend because my mommy called in sick from work ... for the 1st time in 120 days (since December 4), and only because of other miscellaneous cockblocks during my short time back between my last 2 visits to the Philippines where I never have any privacy ... I fired up the porn and again FINALLY busted a #3 to everyone that has piled up in the database for the last 120 days while the Hallelujah track blasted in the background!!!

Grilled cheese sandwich > Capoeira training

Andres finally texted us today about Capoeira training resuming:

Class today at 4pm. We have a guest visitor with us. He is an old student of mine and is visiting from San Francisco.

Andres had been trying to set this up for a long time so he can see how we measure up to someone more advanced ... And I missed it. Crap. Why? Because I was waiting for my mommy to bring home a grilled cheese sandwich.

On the bright side: That grilled cheese sandwich, with tomatoes inside, was bomb. And it came with both curly fries and sweet potato fries. I ate it while watching 2 all new episodes of Degrassi. I think Degrassi's current story arch is hinting at guy-on-guy pedophilia. Extreme.

After walking around the Red Robin to renew Jazz in my database, I ended the Friday with Smallville, WWE Smackdown, and finished strong with the tits, violence and softcore porn of Spartacus: Blood and Sand.

One jackoffable chick, maybe another one after beer-goggles ... and who names their kid "Sissy?"

I went to the gym to do 30 minutes of cardio for the 1st time in many months. There's this chick at the front desk named Sue. I busted a #3 to her only once a long time ago when my database was blanking. She's supposed to be armenian because of her last name (ends in "ian"). But she looks more Caucasian than armo. I guess I'd hit it, but you know my motive with armo chicks: I'd only hit it out of spite.

Brandon called me while I was driving ...

BRANDON: What are you doing?
RYAN: Driving, Kelly Clarkson turned up on my radio, and talking to you on my (trying to sound gangsta) hands-free device!
BRANDON: I knew you were going to say you were driving with Kelly Clarkson on! That's what I love about you, man.

Went to my 2nd LSAT class. Pop quiz. Boo. I forgot to mention the Viet teacher's name is Sissy! Seriously? Who names their kid "Sissy?" Anyway, I think there might be one jackoffable chick named Ginger. She mentioned she's supposed to be Asian. She must be either half-Caucasian or an Asian who unexplainably looks more Caucasian. There's also this Latina chick named Beatrice who might be good to go after beer-goggles.

Eugene called me after I got out, perfect timing too as I just turned on my phone. He says he and Stef's old friend Anieszka is in their play. They want me to be a bodyguard for her because she's getting stalked by some fans. Eugene mentioned that Anieszka's on "Team Jacob" in terms of Twilight. I explained to him how coincidentally I have a lot of Jacob Black references attributed to me.

Tiwat's going to jail on the 15th

Tiwat's going to jail on the 15th, so he's trying to party hardy until then.

I went to the gym and began a new regiment: whole body, only 1 warm-up set and then a heavy set for each exercise, and supposed to finish in 45 minutes. But it took me an hour.

We haven't gotten a text from Andres about Capoeira since 2 Mondays ago, which was weird, until today:

There will be new rules for the class pertaining to training, participation, conduct, payment, expectations, and attendance.

Did he say "payment?" If so, I'll have to quit. We've been training in Capoeira for free for over a year. But I guess all good things come to an end. I guess he was irritated that no one else showed up besides Jesse II, Carlito and me last time we trained. It all makes sense now when I said, "See you guys Wednesday?" and Jesse II replied, "Just wait for his text."

Spent the rest of the day trying to figure out my LSAT homework. Gosh I can't believe there are no jackoffable chicks in my LSAT class.

RYAN: There was this one chick named Kira Conner and I started trying to tell myself, "The name 'Conner' (Terminator reference) has some significance to you, right?"
MATT: [laughs] I haven't heard of anyone try to jack off to a last name.
RYAN: Me neither. I've heard of people jacking off to a chick's voice, but even I can't do that!

Ended the night with American Idol.

1st LSAT class

What an asshole. I met with Guro today at 11:30AM at our usual spot on the border of Glendale/Burbank, which has been perfect, for Filipino Martial Arts (FMA) training ... only for him to tell me to follow him to a new spot. His excuse: The horses peeing on the ground attracted too many bugs. So I drove after him all the way into Griffith Park, specifically Matt's neighborhood of Atwater. And I guarantee in future trainings I will never find that exact location.

For my own boring reference:

• Practiced angles of attack with a twirl at the end of each strike.
• Thrusts are now double gripped.
• Counters to shot to my left collar bone: Wing block, over and under strikes to wrist ... 1) abaniko (fan strike) to head, or 2) stick uppercut and crash back down to head.
• Counters to shot to my right collar bone: Outside sweep block, downward slash the hand, upward slash the elbow ... 1) abaniko the head, or 2) downward slash the neck/head and stick jab the (in any order) knee, ribs, and back of the ear.
• We reviewed sumbrada (fighter flow drill).

End boring reference.

Went to guitar practice. Improvised a lot.

Went to my 1st LSAT class. As soon as I walked in, that annoying Filipina girl who was the conductor for my diagnostic test immediately directed, "Room 101," in a way as if I annoyed her enough already. We had been told there would only be 6 of us. Apparently, about 20 people signed up last second since then! There are no jackoffable chicks yet. The teacher is some Viet chick who is too nerdy that she's not cute. Boo.

1st new friend is named Ben. He shared how he was a bad guy for a student short film with a cool story that I'll leave here for my own notes if I ever want to steal it: Bad guys kidnap the wrong guy (good guy). But 1st bad guy decides they have to kill good guy to hide evidence. Good guy then wakes up in front of computer like, "That was a weird dream," and begins writing about it. 2nd bad guy is later shown watching good guy from a distance. Twist: Flash back reveals that 2nd bad guy killed 1st bad guy to save good guy. (And if they forgot to copyright it, I'm stealing it.)

Ended the night with WWE NXT, a.k.a. The Daniel Bryan Show (or as we cool fans will forever know him as "The American Dragon" Bryan Danielson.

Grape-flavored Branch Chain Amino Acids

Well today was a clusterfuck of a day. I woke up to the sound of rain. Guro and I were supposed to have Filipino Martial Arts training at 10:30AM. Then we went back and forth about whether or not we should reschedule for another day or see if it would stop raining. We went for another day. But then it stopped raining and we rescheduled for 3:00PM. Then 3:30PM. Finally, Guro was stuck in traffic and we have to go tomorrow instead.

I visited Iam at the GNC to get change for a 20. He was listening to some 80s music by Meatloaf.

RYAN: So I heard you were high.
IAM: When?
RYAN: Umm ...
IAM: Everyday?
RYAN: Yeah. How come?
IAM: I'm just trying to get some sleep.

I returned to the gym and worked out my pull muscles. I finally tried that grape flavored BCAA packet that kid at Great Earth gave me for free. Ended the night with WWE Raw.

What did the Easter egg say to the boiling water? "It's gonna take a while to get me hard. I just got laid by some chick."

Credit goes to Andres for texting me that joke.

Mommy asked me to wear these new True Religion jeans and Armani shirt she got me for church. The jeans are tight. I have to unbutton whenever I'm sitting down.

We ate at Thai BBQ and brought sweet & sour pork, kung pao beef and egg plant from Panda Inn to Uncle Lando's for potluck. Cousin Janine had a fever.

Highlight of the day: Mommy's sister (Auntie Bella), the bully, couldn't make it.

Cute moment of the day: Janine and Jillian's dog, Brownie, was playing with Kristian and Kathy's new dog in the empty/drained swimming pool. Brownie was hyperactive enough to run back and forth from both ends of the pool. But the new dog was too fat to run up the slope. Eventually, the much smaller Brownie tried running up behind him, pushing his head into his ass to go up the slope.

Gloria, gloria, gloria ...

Cockblock! I just realized I neglected to mention here: I gave up masturbation for Lent. So this whole time, the database has been piling up. (Nocturnal emissions don't count, so I've been good.) Since I was in the Philippines when Lent started, where I can't bust a #3 due to no privacy, I idiotically figured, "Might as well give up masturbation." Right now I would've been buffering all the porn and come midnight, the official end of Lent, I would've been having a porn fest culminating in multiple #3s with condoms on (going all out as opposed to being tacky with just tissue or in the shower), which would've even been set to the song Hallulujah at full volume!

BUT NO! Since my mommy just got out of the hospital, she has called in sick from work for the whole weekend! Ladies and gentlemen: The biggest, blue-balled cockblock in the history of mankind! The end.

On the bright side: Last night when I was meeting Mark at the hookah place, a couple of blond chicks passed by me. Both were cute. One of them hit me up ...

BLOND CHICK: Hey.
RYAN: Hey.
BLOND CHICK: What's up?
RYAN: Nothing much. [Looking busy as I get on the phone with Mark.]
BLOND CHICK: I like your hair.

She so wanted my cock! She's in my database ... the now-overflowing database. And when Mark and I were leaving the hookah place, a cute brunette chick sitting down wouldn't stop eyeing me. She's also in my database ... the now over-flowing database.

This morning, my superstitious mommy told me to jump up and down, screaming, "Gloria, gloria, gloria," over and over again, which is the tradition every year the day before Easter.

My mommy's friend Lena visited to help her clean the house. Apparently, Eugene left flyers for his play on my door some time today. We ate at Rubios. I had cheese enchiladas instead of my usual steak enchiladas because mommy won't let me eat meat until tomorrow. I was supposed to go to the gym, but became lazy. Boo.

Highlight of the day: I stopped a computer virus attack with my quick-thinking. In other news: Pro-wrestler Kris Kanyon passed away. I ended the day with mall-ratting. Wow, I'm bored. Cockblocked bored, that is. Good night.

Mommy's home from the hospital

Today is my "raving BDay" as I went to my 1st rave 5 years ago today.

Mommy got to come home from the hospital today. She left her phone charger, though, so I had to go back and get it later. The nurse who answered the door for me was kind of chunky, but had a pretty face, worthy enough to be in my database. My mommy and I ate at Subway sandwiches.

Boredom: It took 398 steps to get from the Emergency Room entrance to mommy's room.

Smallville returned today with an all new episode. WWE Smackdown was pre-empted due to baseball. I couldn't watch Spartacus: Blood and Sand, though, because of its tits and softcore porn content since mommy was actually home since she just got out of the hospital. (She's normally working on Friday nights.) Boo.

I met up with Mark for the 1st time in months at the Cafe-O hookah place in Burbank.

• Mark gave me back my book, The Secrets of Cabales Serrada Escrima.
• Mark and John (not to be confused with Johnny) formally ended their since-highschool friendship. The break started last summer because Mark wouldn't leave Heather's party when John's ex-girlfriend, Marelis, was there.
• John deleted us from his Facebook long ago because we're all still friends with his ex.
• Mark revealed that, even when they were still best friends, he always supported me when I stood up for myself and was about to kick John's ass.
• We're planning to check out Eugene's play on the 16th.
• That hookah was good.
• Tiwat's judgement day is this Tuesday when he finds out whether or not he's going to jail.
• Tiwat came to meet us, but couldn't find us, so he simply went home. WTF?
• Mark remembered today was my "raving BDay." He was the one who took me to my 1st rave after all.

Happy April Fool's Day

My Facebook status was updated to:

Happy April Fool's Day. You know what that means? My Birthday's exactly 1 month from now. You all now have 1 month to plan my surpise party.

Mommy was supposed to come home today, but the medications for her high blood pressure had a side effect that dropped her heart rate. So she's staying for another day.

The jackoffable receptionist in the Emergency Room was there today. Renewal in database!

Auntie Bella (or "mommy's sister" as I normally refer to her) visited. My mommy's nurse today was named Prudencia. Prudencia is not jackoffable, but she was checking me out in the elevator.

PRUDENCIA: Is this your son? I love his hair. It's to die for. That's not fair.

I conned the Mexican ticket-takers at the parking lot into thinking I was an employee and giving me free parking.

I went to Tonga Hut in North Hollywood for Trevor's Birthday, whom I haven't seen since Richard's graduation party last May. Gumby, Amy, and Collin were there. I formally met their friends Courtney and Cameron.

• Courtney is 23 and just passed her driving test on a 2nd attempt. By the way, she's in my database.
• Trevor's living in Moorpark now, which he describes as "in the middle of nowhere."
• Gumby used to go to PWG shows.
• Gumby discovered a new recipe last St. Patrick's Day: Guinness blended with vanilla ice cream and Hershey's chocolate syrup "tastes like a milkshake."
• Some drunk white dude was spazzing out alone on the dance floor and his friends were ashamed of him

TREVOR: (regarding spazz on dance floor) Drunk much?
RYAN: Well, that's me at a rave.
CAMERON: But that's at a rave!

• There was this Hispanic chick who displayed a nice B-Girl top rock on the dance floor. She's in my database.
• Richard is going with Nicky and her friend Molly to Vegas for the weekend. Collin's trying to tag along. Richard and I recounted how he showed me Nicky's topless pics last time.

RICHARD: I'm telling you, you should hit her up.
RYAN: Isn't she getting married or something?
RICHARD: She's fucking around. (Pause) By the way, I never showed you those topless pics. [Does "Jedi Mind Trick" motion.]
RYAN: (joking) What topless pics?

COLLIN: I'm kind of worried about going to Vegas with them. I think that chick Nicky likes me, but I'm not attracted to her.
RYAN: Did you want me to take one for the team?
COLLIN: [laughs] You need another beer. [Goes to buy be a Pabst.]

• There was this redhead in a white top on the dancefloor. She's in my database. Also in Cameron's.
• Trevor was pissed at how he couldn't stop accidentally giving too much information because he was drunk, such as how he got laid by his ex for his Birthday.

RYAN: If it makes you feel any better, I had a 3-some once.
[Trevor's jaw hit the floor. He tries to toast, but his cup is empty. He grabs Richard's whiskey & coke to toast with my beer. Some of it spills inside my beer.]
CAMERON: Um ... I almost had a 3-some once.

The night ended with Trevor throwing his shoe at Richard's head while he was peeing. By sheer dumb luck, it hit.

RICHARD: I know it was Ryan! He's the only one agile enough to pull that off right now!

They had to linger because they were too drunk to drive, but I had to go to bed.