$50 Costco Gift Card

I finally remembered that sometime earlier this week, I had a dream that I was hunting vampires in the True Blood universe. End of dreams.

Anthony brought the Chips Ahoy chewy cookies and some peach danish that I left at his place last Friday. He accused me of leaving them there on purpose to break his diet.

ANTHONY: These are good, but you gotta take them home! I just lost weight!

I actually didn't practice one back handspring today. I moved on to the prerequisites for a Thomas Flair. Apparently, incorporating the plank into a routine mesmerizes everyone. Anthony practiced back handsprings with Coach Shawn as a spotter.

SHAWN: OK, don't panic!
ANTHONY: I took my xanax. I can't panic.
[Everyone laughs.]

I forgot to say that yesterday I finally used this $50 Costco Gift Card that's been lying around on my desk. I bought everything that I usually do (except salmon because I couldn't find the marinated one; broccoli because Costco's were too small; sweet potatoes because they're better at Whole Foods; and brown rice, bread, peanut/almond butter, and olive oil because I still have some). It came up to $60. A good $10 well spent.

Cousin Andree was in town, so mommy and I visited her in Northridge. Cousin Kristian and his girlfriend were at the Church there. Auntie Bella treated mommy and I to TGI Friday's. I got my usual and some kind of berry lemonade. Refills are no longer free, but about $0.50 each. Probably budget cuts (or some Jewish joke, as Matt would say).

One of the hostesses resembled a young Dawn Marie. She's in my database. She had her hair down at first. Later it was tied. So I got a couple of different options in my database. For example, her hair may be tied back if she were hypothetically orally copulating me.

I went to the gym late at night.

"So how long did it take you?"

Last night at Anthony's place, Gymnastics classmates Ezekiel and Gerard were there. Apparently, Anthony doesn't eat gluten, so it was up to everyone else to help me finish the Chips Ahoy chewy cookies that I bought. Anthony cooked some curry chicken and set out some fruits and chips. Mental note: The apples were soaked in something called agave. We went through The A-Team, some animated Justice League movie, and Kick Ass. Azlynn arrived after Ezekiel and Gerard left. I had two servings of warm sake, then cold sake, honey whiskey, some IPA beer, and two glasses of whatever wine Azlynn brought with her. I think she said it was called Menage e Tois.

My going out with Naomi, Heather's 39-year-old sister, a couple of weeks ago came up. (See entry 7/22/11.)

AZLYNN: So how long did it take you [to get her in bed]?
RYAN: [WTF-type Silence]

Who asks that? From then on, no matter what we were talking about and how irrelevant, Azlynn's recurring line would always be, "So how long did it take you?"

AZLYNN: You still haven't answered my question.
RYAN: ...

We all left Anthony's place at around 4:00AM. I fired up the porn and busted a #3 to the manager at Hot Topic.

Chad texted me today that former WWE superstar Dave Finlay will be at PWG's next show.

RYAN: I didn't think [the card] was up yet, but now I just ejaculated in my pants. Out of nerdiness of course.
CHAD: That's cuz you were thinking of that one chick. That doesn't make you a nerd. Just a premature ejaculator. Haha!

Tonight I had a Sam Adams Summer Ale over some porn and stumbled onto a non acting video of a chick both becoming furious and literally crying over a guy ejaculating inside her (whereas other videos with the same outcome had been fake). I was indecisive about who to bust a #3 to. I was rotating between the [Harry]Potterhead at the neighboring city's Hot Topic, the manager at the Hot Topic I regularly go to, Luani whom I met at the last Harry Potter premiere, and the other Potterhead Ally. I just happened to be on Luani when I finished.

Party at Anthony's place

I rocked at guitar practice going through every major scale. Time to start improvising.

I then carried my guitar with me like a chick magnet through the mall. Passing by Hot Topic, that chick named Ciera whom I'm not attracted to, but had a dream anyway that she was orally copulating me, was chilling outside with the manager, who was sitting on the floor against the railing. I overheard Ciera whining that someone was supposed to come in, probably to relieve her. The manager was wearing short shorts with her thick legs outstretched. She's renewed in my database.

Party at Anthony's place tonight. I caught a little of WWE Smackdown and now it's time to stop by Ralph's to pick up some cookies.

"I had a date ..." - Captain America

I went to the AMC 16 to watch Captain America: The First Avenger at 3:00PM, then snuck into Bad Teacher at 5:40PM and then finally Transformers: The Dark Side of the Moon at 7:25PM.

Cult of Personality

I had a day of nerdiness of just reading Green Lantern and Batman Beyond graphic novels at Barnes & Noble. And how fitting, I lucked out with one of the soft, comfy chairs to do it in. Johnny stopped by.

Mommy and I ate dinner at Cheesecake Factory. I had my usual, but she tried the Salisbury Chopped Steak. Ah, nostalgia. I remember regularly eating microwaveable Salisbury Steak during my grade school years.

Ooh, the serotonin in my head

I had a dream that I was back in high school, but somehow able to magically transform my long hair into an illusion of shorter 1950s style hair with gel. End of dream.

I caught last night's episode of WWE RAW on Youtube.

Walking by Hot Topic, the manager was hanging clothes when she saw me, smiled, and waved. I smiled and waved back. Ooh, the serotonin in my head. I had a boner. Her smiling and waving at me is in my database.

Mommy and I ate dinner at Rubio's. Lizet was working, though I'm reminded again that she looked more jackoffable in her original black hair color instead of this reddish brown that she's still trying to pull off. That chick Olivia who checks me out was working as well, though I'd still need lots of alcohol before I'd hit it just to be nice. (But on the bright side for her, there are chicks with whom even alcohol consumption isn't possible to reach a level of beer goggles.) The cashier was Fredy.

I went to the gym late at night. Victor was working out as well.

6NUF215

I had two dreams last night: 1) My old raver buddy Rebekah was sleeping next to me. Then some chick started having sex with me in cowgirl position. I stopped her momentarily to put a condom on. But then Rebekah woke up. Cockblock. 2) I was back in my old condominium doing Parkour. End of dreams.

I caught last night's episode of True Blood on HBO On Demand.

Naomi texted me back - of all random times - while I was actually busting a #3. I totally forgot that I drunk texted her last Friday during Gabriel's Birthday celebration. Apparently, she three-day-ruled me.

Mommy and I ate dinner at In-N-Out Burger.

That chick who works at Hot Topic, whom I'm not attracted to, but mysteriously had a dream anyway that she was orally copulating me, drove past me in her red car. It had a FIDM sticker on it. Reminds me of how Steve's stripper ex-girlfriend went to FIDM.

I woke up yesterday like, "Is it Monday yet?" But today ...

I woke up for Gymnastics ... and went back to sleep. I atoned for it by going to the gym instead when I finally got out of bed.

The jackoffable chick that helps serve Communion was back at the afternoon mass at Church. She's renewed in my database.

Faith was working at Brookstone. She's renewed in the database.

Mommy and I ate dinner at the Cheesecake Factory. Dessert was at Pinkberry. I had a medium sized pomegranate forzen yogurt with toppings of mochi, raspberry, blueberries, and kiwi.

I went back to the gym late at night to finish whatever I couldn't finish earlier.

Four pitchers of Sam Adams Summer Ale on tap among a potentially new clique

Last night, Gabriel's Birthday party began at the White Harte Pub in Woodland Hills. His friend was named Sarah. I rocked my Taylor Swift shirt, which got me some good attention. I started the night with a pitcher of Blue Moon on tap.

• There was a curly haired chick named Donna who teamed up with Sarah to play darts against Gabe and me.
• Then the next team to play against Gabe and me was some dude and a chick named Heather (not to be confused with THE Heather). This Heather was familiar as she's a friend of Jennie from London and Conch. She would later add me on Facebook.
• A chick with curly hair and a hat named Amanda would remark to me that she can't stand listening to Kelly Clarkson, but she'll have sex with her. Something like that. I can't remember exactly. I was drunk. She pity-kissed Gabe, though.
• And I drunkenly hit two bulls-eyes.

SARAH: (While adding me on Facebook) There's a girl on your face!

We then made it to Scotland Yard Pub, where Gabe drunkenly bought me a Dry Black Thorn Cider on tap ... and then he vomited nonstop ... ultimately on himself as he fell out of Sarah's car and vomited while still face down. I had the munchies and stopped by Denny's on the way home.

Tonight, I went to PWG. James and his friend CJ were there. So was Samantha. Brandon and a couple of his buddies would arrive. We totaled four pitchers of Sam Adams Summer Ale on tap. The chick that Chad and I both bust a #3 to was also there. And the chick who normally wears a flower on her ear and I actually exchanged words as I inquired if her shorter boyfriend was passed out (which he was). That's, like, verbal sex between us! By the way, that quesadilla from the Taco Truck is good.

A Floories Cocktail

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The Dragonfly for Drum & Bass with Naomi

I did a quick database run at the mall. Faith was working at Brookstone. Then I rushed to help mommy with laundry.

And now it's time to return to the Dragonfly in Hollywood to meet up with Heather's 39-year-old sister Naomi. Scandalous.

In Brightest Day

I did cardio at the gym, busted a #3 to Georgia, then spent the whole afternoon being a nerd by reading Green Lantern graphic novels at Barnes & Noble.

Pornstar Natasha Nice's real name is Tatiana Laurent

I had a dream last night that my late dogs visited to play, as they occasionally have done in the dream world throughout the years. End of dream.

I busted a #3 to Luani from last Thursday night at the Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 premiere.

I went to the gym late at night.

CM Punk leaves the WWE as the Champion

I watched last night's new episode of True Blood.

Then I trained Johnny in FMA. We hit up the park across the street from GCC. Today's agenda: Sumbrada (fighter flow drill), vertical gunting (scissors), and hubad lubad (to tie and untie).

And then I looked for illegally uploaded videos of last night's WWE Money in the Bank. 1) Bryan Danielson won the briefcase for WWE Smackdown for a guaranteed title shot. 2) CM Punk in his last match, and in his hometown where everyone broke the script by cheering for him instead of the scripted good guy John Cena, won the title before legitimately leaving the company!

I ended the night with WWE RAW.

Gut Planche

Last night I had a dream that I was in some mansion and I couldn't go to my room because some bum was there, so I started making out with Emma Frost from the movie X-Men: First Class. The second dream I had, there were vampire chicks in the kitchen. Lastly, I dreamt I was making out with that chick Ruby who used to work at Hot Topic during the holidays. End of dream.

I went to Gymnastics. Apparently my move is the gut planche.

I was walking in the mall when Brandon called me to report on what's going on in the WWE Money in the Bank pay-per-view so far. Coincidentally, I was in front of Hot Topic when he called and I stopped to answer. Georgia was working. I hadn't seen her in a while. She's renewed in the database.

My mommy and I went to Church and then ate dinner at Outback Steakhouse. That hostess who looks like that one pornstar was working. She's renewed in my database. Our waiter was some dude named Greg, but it was mommy's favorite waitress Lindsay who served us our salads. Lindsay is renewed in the database.

Carmageddon scare = no traffic in Hollywood = me drunkenly pelvic-thrusting at chicks on the dance floor

Garry's party last night:

• Lots of pizza for us because people were too scared to come due to the Carmageddon scare.
• This dude Ray and I contributing a dollar each so that Garry's other friend could buy his girlfriend Yolanda a $3 rose. We had to hand it to him under the table.
• By the way, Ray was wearing steampunk goggles.

RYAN: If you don't get laid, I'm gonna kill myself.
RAY: Yeah, I'm with him. If you don't get laid, I'm gonna kill him.

• Our waitress named Jax was very jackoffable. She's in my database.
• The cover charge was redeemable as two $5 vouchers for drinks. Sweet. And then they served Sam Adams on tap.
• Champagne was good.

GARRY: (About Jax) I don't know when or where, but someday, I'm gonna have sexual relations with her.
RYAN: That's what I always say about Kelly Clarkson.

On the dance floor, where Guns n' Roses' songs Welcome to the Jungle and then later Sweet Child O' Mine were played, I was retardedly dancing as if no one was watching (everyone else was too) when some white chick in a short skirt dress came up to me and said, "(WTF tone of voice) What are you doing." She reminded me of a chick named Samantha a grade below me back in high school, but with the eyes of indy pro-wrestler Buggy. She said her name's Desiree, she's from Florida, and that I had the best hair there. She's in my database.

I went home and busted a #3 while screaming Desiree's name. It was good.

Today was detox day. It was the annual Cruise Night in Glendale where Brand Boulevard was closed to display vintage cars. This chick named Vicki who used to work at Hot Topic, and whom I suspected as reporting to my stalker whenever she saw me, now works at this girly store called Justice right next to Hot Topic. She still smiles whenever she sees me. She's not my type, but tolerable enough that I'd hit it to be nice.

I drank the last bottled shot, which was Cherry flavored, and chased it with a Sam Adams Summer Ale. Then I busted a #3 to that waitress Jax from last night.

"NOT MY DAUGHTER, YOU BITCH!" - Mrs. Weasley

Oh. My. God.

When I arrived in line last night, there was this blond chick with braided pigtails sitting with her legs crossed on either a towel or a blanket. She was in full Gryffindor robe and uniform. A passerby yelled, "Ten points for Gryffindor." We were talking. She mentioned she went to Oxford when she was fifteen years old and that she got her robe from Florida. She's in my database. And then her short-haired blond friend, not dressed for the occasion, rushed up to her saying, "I think we're at the wrong theater!" We were at the AMC 6. They were supposed to be at the AMC 16. Cockblock!

The homeboys behind me were from Pasadena and took turns smoking marijuana in the parking lot followed by cravings of In-N-Out. Finally, Jesse arrived from his EMT class. We were also given free small bags of popcorn.

Jesse and I sat next to two chicks named Luani and Johanna. Luani took a picture of me in my getup and emailed it to me. She says her name is Swahili. She's in my database.

Our "special" 3D glasses were shaped like Harry Potter's glasses. I gave Jesse a Sam Adams Summer Ale that I brought home from Heather's Birthday party (7/3/11). I downed the bottled cake shot that Gus bought me (7/7/11) and chased it with the Sam Adams.

Today, I woke up and rocked at guitar practice. I carried my guitar with me to the mall like a chick magnet. Lolo Manning was hanging out with his retirement home buddies outside the food court as usual. But cousins Janine and Jillian were also there because Auntie Carisse is looking for a dress to wear to cousin Kathy's wedding.

I avoided eye contact with my stalker when passing by Hot Topic. The Adelle look-alike who works at the i Play & Talk vendor booth is renewed in my database.

Now it's time to leave for Garry's Birthday party, whom I actually met with Richard at my own Birthday at the Scene bar in North Hollywood two Mays ago (5/1/10).

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2!

I went to the gym to do compound exercises. And I just updated my Facebook status to read:

Breaking in the new Gryffindor robe. Rest of uniform - check. Bag full of booze to smuggle in - check. Off to camp out in line with my fellow Potterheads for the midnight premiere of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part 2!

My subconsciousness is clever

I had a dream last night that Leah from Hot Topic went to high school with me and I didn't even know it. In the dream, she reveals her full name as "Leah Stacy Dash." End of dream.

My subconsciousness is clever. In real life, actress Stacy Dash is an alumni of my high school alma mater.

I busted a #3 to that butterface/fellow [Harry]Potterhead from the neighboring city's Hot Topic that I was fortunate to see yesterday. (See entry 7/12/11.)

I exchanged words with the butterface/fellow [Harry] Potterhead! You know, like, verbal sex!

I had a dream that I was back in my old Tae Kwon Do school, but we were being introduced to Brazilian Jujitsu. I demonstrated positioning transitions on a dummy. Vahe, who in real life got fired years ago for abusing the kids, graded it an A+ because I "did more than [I] was supposed to." But someone else, whose face I couldn't make out due to typical dream world blurriness, thought it was mediocre. End of dream.

I think my subconsciousness is telling me to visit Tae Kwon Do.

I finally got to watch last Sunday night's new episode of True Blood. It has a wicked scene where Jason Stackhouse is being raped by the head werepanther chick (you know, like a panther instead of werewolf) with other werepanther girls waiting their turns.

Jesse (the Brazilian, not the Mexican) and his sister Stephanie and I had a mini-Capoeira reunion in Burbank to pick up our tickets for the midnight premiere of Harry Potter and the Death Hallows part 2! It was so cute because we were all lost in the parking lot of the AMC 6 Town Center. I haven't seen Jesse since we watched part 1 (see entry 11/19/10) and Stephanie since last summer (see entry 8/16/10).

But then, the highlight if the day: I walked by the nearest Hot Topic, not my local one that I frequent, and the butterface/fellow Harry [Potter]head was working alone while the rest of her coworkers were on break. (Review of the saga found in entry 7/7/11.) The alarm was being set off mysteriously as I stood near the entrance checking out Superman shorts and jackets.

BUTTERFACE: (Seeing that I wasn't setting off the alarm) Oh, nevermind. I was like, why is he setting off the alarm? (Beat.) Did you see the all the Harry Potter stuff?
RYAN: Yeah, I just bought my Gryffindor robe from a shop that specializes in Harry Potter replicas.
BUTTERFACE: Is it Whimsic Alley?
RYAN: Yeah! Few people know about that! I've met some fans whom I brought it up to, they had no idea what I was talking about, and I was like, "Oh, c'mon!"
BUTTERFACE: Yeah, how are you gonna be a Harry Potter fan and not know what Whimsic Alley is! Some of their stuff still have the Hot Topic tags on them. I was like, "I work at Hot Topic. That's not cool."

We talked about the movie and blah, blah, blah.

BUTTERFACE: I'm surprised you're not gearing up. I usually see you with your Hermione shirt on.

Translation: Holy crap! It means that this whole time when I thought she didn't remember me, she did remember me!

I did a bunch of squats at the gym late at night because squats are love. I just supplemented it with pull ups, chin ups, lat pull downs, rows, push ups, bench presses, as modified jackknife twisters.

I cut 1/3 of my hair

Mommy had the day off today. I got my free small slurpee from 7-Eleven on this fine date of 7/11, an annual tradition from 7-Eleven. I mixed the flavors of Alienade (probably a temporary flavor to promote the upcoming movie Cowboys and Aliens) and Cherry Blaster.

Mommy and I got haircuts from Tito Noel. We then ate lumpiang Shanghai (eggrolls), pork sinigang, siomai, and halo halo for dinner at Goldilocks in the Eagle Rock Plaza, where some of Glee has been filmed. Cutting off 1/3 of my hair made it bouncier and so afterward I strutted with my bouncier hair at the Glendale mall before going home for WWE RAW.

Back in Gymnastics after an inadvertent one month break

I woke up half an hour before I was supposed to when Jesse called to discuss watching Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part 2 later this week.

It was great returning to Gymnastics. Three weeks ago, I felt like sleeping in. Two weeks ago, I showed up while no one else did except for one other classmate because Coach Shawn's wife wanted him home for their daughter's Birthday. And last week, I didn't get home from Heather's Birthday party until 6:00AM.

AZLYNN: Welcome back!

Anthony mentioned that he's been training in some hybrid Kali/Eskrima/Arnis for a month now. Aside from my usual back handsprings, I practiced some windmills and other miscellaneous B-Boying. I went to the gym afterwards to work on my lats and shoulders to supplement the Gymnastics conditioning.

My mommy actually resorted to park in a different area for Church so that I don't catch her walking in late. Ha. We ate dinner at Granville Cafe. I had my usual, but this time drank sangria in front of her.

Return to Whimsic Alley

I had a dream last night that I was beating up my mommy's sister, who in real life is a lifelong arrogant, ignorant, and outspoken bully. My subconsciousness rules. End of dream.

I finally made my return to Whimsic Alley after having a dream about it a couple-and-a-half weeks ago (see entry 6/17/11). I haven't been there in over a couple of years as my last visit precedes this blog. Whimsic Alley is a shop specializing in Harry Potter replicas. Last time I was there, it was in Santa Monica. It has since moved - or apparated, as it appropriately like to say - to downtown LA. And it looks more awesome. I bought a Gryffindor robe, accurate to the ones worn in the films.

I was able to attain whiskey dick after finally finishing the bottle of vodka mixed with some red energy drink that cousin Kristian gave me a couple of weeks ago (see entry 6/25/11) followed by a couple of the Sam Adams Summer Ale that Heather bought me for her party last Saturday (see entry 7/3/11). I busted a #3 to my old high school classmate Celeine, whom I saw sometime earlier this week at the mall.

I deciphered how to find the sharps in each major scale on guitar!

I had a dream last night that I was in line for a buffet. My high school classmate and fellow Spartacus: Blood and Sand fan, Rez, was there as well remarking that the line was a few flights long. I was standing next to my grade school classmate Evan, who was drunk. In response to what he was drinking, he showed a flash card that read, "Guinness Hennesy" with its obvious ingredients of Guinness and Hennesy. I felt under dressed and was about to change when all of a sudden I was in the front of the line. End of dream.

At guitar practice, I discovered a way to decipher the sharps in each major scale!

I then took my guitar with me to the mall like a chick magnet. Victor was on break buying protein bars at the mall's GNC (not the same GNC where Brian, formerly known as Brian at the GNC, used to work). At Hot Topic, the manager and some other worker with short hair with streaks were absently gabbing on and on ...

MANAGER: I'm sorry, did you have a question?
RYAN: (Suave) I do have a question.
BOTH: [Laughing at their own absentmindedness.]
RYAN: What material is this [Gryffindor] tie made of?

I just wanted to exchange words with the manager, you know, like, verbal sex. I already have a Gryffindor tie made of silk. The ones they were selling were made of polyester. The manager actually opened the wrapper to feel it, then couldn't put it back, then threw it back in the pile trying to be cool saying, "I'll fix it later." She's renewed in my database.

The Adelle look-alike at the i Play & Talk vendor booth was yawning really big. Yes! I can now include that detail in my database because I now know what her mouth would realistically look like if she were to orally copulate me.

That girl Dana at Lush was working and is renewed in the database as well.

I ended the night with WWE Smackdown. The CW was replaying part 1 of the Smallville series finale. Ah, memories. I did cardio at the gym. Then I fired up the porn and was so indecisive that while I was busting a #3 it was like Dana, the butterface from the neighboring city's Hot Topic yesterday, my fellow Harry [Potterhead] Ally, and my old raver buddy Rebekah (whose Birthday was last Wednesday) were all fighting over getting on my penis. Ultimately, I finished to Dana.

Yes! Another butterface sighting!

I had a dream last night that I can vaguely remember. I think I had the powers of the Green Lantern. End of dream.

I wrote my first check today. It was for guitar practices. The "Grownup" meter above my head just filled with "Experience Points" just like in a Scott Pilgrim vs the World movie.

I had to break my code of movie-going today. According to movie schedules on the interwebs, after today Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides will stop playing except for in a couple of theaters that are outside my stomping grounds. So I actually paid to see one movie. It was at the AMC Town Center 8 inside the neighboring city's mall. It was so small and amateurish looking. But I got a free Harry Potter movie poster.

BUT before that, I was walking through the Hot Topic downstairs. And the butterface/fellow [Harry] Potterhead was working! Review: I first met her at my local Hot Topic (see entry 11/5/10) where I never looked at her twice until she respected my Hermione shirt. Months later, I found out by happenstance that she was working at the neighboring city's branch, but hasn't remembered me. Today I walked in wearing my Hermione shirt as when we first met. But she was too busy to look up. She has a nose ring now and I was able to see her bra. She's renewed in my database!

After the movie, Gus, the guitarist for Paul and Martha's band, saw me as he was on his way to return something at Bath & Body Works. He insisted on buying me some booze since I made him look good when I last recorded the band. The truth is I look out for my fellow guitarists. At some liquor store two stoplights away, I got two bottled shots - one cake flavored, the other cherry - only a dollar each. We started drinking at the mall parking lot.

I met up with mommy for dinner at In-N-Out and then went to Barnes & Noble to read more Green Lantern.

Naomi three-day ruled me

I forgot to say, Heather's 38-year-old sister Naomi actually 3-day-ruled me as she sent me a friend request yesterday. [Author's note: What the heck was I thinking with the filler originally in this paragraph?] Morgan finally picked up after some phone tag since yesterday when it was his Birthday. I haven't spoken to Morgan in a long time and haven't actually hung out with him since 5/8/10.

MORGAN: Whoa, be careful with people on heroin trips. You don't know how many hitch-hikers they've picked up.

I bought milk and bananas at Ralphs. At the mall, Helen was working at Latin Lingo. She waved and I waved back. She has returned to my database. Faith was working at Brookstone. She was showing more skin as she was wearing a black sleeveless blouse. I got a boner. Then I went to Barnes & Noble to read more Green Lantern stuff.

Holy crap! A black girl!

Finally, I busted a #3 to Meral from the Stylux shop and to Heather's 38-year-old sister Naomi, both from last Saturday.

I was walking into the mall on the In-N-Out side when I walked past my stalker from Hot Topic. Urgh. Surprisingly, she didn't pester me. Progress! She just smiled.

Mommy and I ate dinner at the Cheesecake Factory. Our waitress was a black chick named Monique. She was cute. Some people would've noticed by now that I don't bust a #3 to black chicks much, but that's only because I rarely see them. So when I finally saw one, I said to myself, "Holy crap! A black girl!"

After reading some Green Lantern at Barnes & Noble, I went to the gym and did mostly calisthenics - spider crawls, bear crawls, crab crawls - though I mixed the pull ups with the lat pull downs and included some leg presses.

"Happy 4th of July" high-fives at the gym after midnight

I saw Iam and Victor at the gym last last night, which was technically this morning. Iam actually bikes twenty five minutes to his new job at Direct TV on Wilshire. I worked on my whole body, although mostly pull muscles, but still light weights and low reps for muscle density as opposed to muscle inflation.

VICTOR: Hey, it's 2:00[AM]. Happy 4th of July, guys! [We all high-five.]

Paul and Martha invited me to their place for food. Their son Khan was there as well as their friend Ricky, who I first met the last time we came back from Paladino's, and a couple other audience members from their past shows. Today's menu: Carne asada, onions, tortilla bread, ribs, chicken, hot dogs, potato salad with macaroni, and beer. Although while everyone got lost in their drunken state of playing beer pong with the chandelier ...

PAUL: (Slurring and eyes half shut) Hot dogs are burning.

Khan shared a story about how he's "hooked up with cousins."

RYAN: Wait, cousins?
KHAN: Yeah, cousins.
RYAN: Wait ... Your cousins?
KHAN: (Hysterical) Oh hell no! What are you-- I meant girls who are cousins! What's wrong with you?
RYAN: Sorry, it's just you never know with some people these days.
KHAN: No, no, no! There is no incest on this side of the family!

But the line of the night was when Ricky was recounting how his daughter was singing with Kid Cudi and how he would imagine Khan's reaction.

KHAN: Hell yeah I flipped! I almost took a shit through my dick!
MARTHA: [Laughs.] Can I use that one?

I ended the night with WWE RAW.

"3 Years in the Making"

CHRIS: (At Arlene) You remember Ryan, right?
ARLENE: (Jokingly, suggestively) Oh I remember Ryan.
CHRIS: Whoa, I didn't know it was like that.

At Heather's Birthday party last night:

• Heather brought me back a Butterbeer cup from the Harry Potter part of Disney World in Florida.
• We met Timmy's 21-year-old brother Robert who is also a [Harry] Potterhead.
• Heather and Chris' coworker Christine actually didn't remember drunkenly kissing me since she wasn't even sure whether or not we met before (see entry 10/20/10).

NAOMI: They say you're quite the ladies' man.
RYAN: I appreciate them embellishing for me, but ... [Mutters modest jibberish.]
NAOMI: So how many lesbians have you been with?

And then the running gag of freaking Heather out by crushing on her 38-year-old sister Naomi took a new level:

• First we were watching Heather's son Cameron and his friends practicing light shows. I told Naomi the story of how I noticed her in the background of some old group pic where she's making an incriminating transaction.
• Somehow we ended up in the backyard where I busted out my video camera. Naomi managed to get a hold of it and tried to get me to strip down.
• Back inside the house, Robert was telling me, "She wanted your nuts! She was trying to take your shirt off!" Not realizing Naomi was just behind him. Whoops.
• I drunkenly wasn't paying attention, but for some reason, Naomi joked, "We should hook up," to which I concurred that it would freak Heather out.
• Naomi even joked to Tim about giving me a blowjob.

NAOMI: I'm hooking up with him!
RYAN: [Taunting Heather with thumbs up.]
HEATHER: (Frustratingly, to everyone) This is three years in the making! Ryan is supposed to like underage chicks, but-- [Naomi calls me and I don't hear the rest of Heather's story.]

At some point, I walked Naomi to her car just to get a lighter.

JOHANNA: Are you wearing a Taylor Swift shirt?
RYAN: (Proudly) Yup!
JOHANNA: I just realized that! [Laughs.] Heather must like you. Heather, have you seen his shirt?
HEATHER: [Rolls eyes.] His song on Myspace for three years was Hold On by Wilson Phillips!
JOHANNA: That's because no one goes on Myspace anymore.

At one point, (from my left to right) I, Naomi, Heather, Mark, and Erica were sitting on the couch. When Naomi went to the restroom, Mark fist-pumped with me to which Heather responded by face-palming herself and then smacking me.

RYAN: You're the youngest sister?
JOHANNA: Yeah. (Insultingly to Heather and Naomi) Can't you tell?
RYAN: I'm [tattle] telling!

HEATHER: (Demandingly) I look like the youngest, right?
RYAN: Right.
NAOMI: I can't believe you just said that!
RYAN: (At Heather) Don't cock block!
HEATHER: [Stands next to Naomi] Ryan, choose [between me and her]!

When hugging Lauren goodbye, she found an excuse to press my face against her breasts.

The night ended with Heather, Kat, Timmy, Robert, Shaun, Chris and I in the pool. For once I wore my swimming trucks in lieu of underwear. At one point, Tim was naked while carrying Heather. When the sun started to come up, I left. As soon as I got home, my Facebook status read:

You know what's cool about driving home from partying at this hour? No one else on the freeway. Wheeeeeeee. And the sun's up. Good night.

I woke up and went to the mall. Faith was working at Brookstone.

I went to Church and caught mommy walking in late. Priceless! The jackoffable chick who helps hand out Communion was there again.

Mommy and I ate dinner at Outback Steakhouse. The hostess who looks like a pornstar whose name I can't remember at this moment was there. She's renewed in the database. Our waiter was some dude named Jack, but at one point my mommy's favorite waitress Lindsay served us our salads, so Lindsay's renewed in the database as well.

Zerran

I finally bought some hair product from some shop called Stylux. The brand name is Zerran. Let's see how it goes. The employee chick had brown hair and some accent that I couldn't tell the origin of. It turns out we do the same styling technique - starting on the ends and running the excess on our fingers along the scalp. I walked in thinking she was just average, but she was so helpful and offered additional advice, such as trimming and conditioning, that she's in the database. She says her name's Meral (though I'm not sure how it's spelled). I can scream it out loud now.

At the mall, Faith was working at Brookstone.

I bought Heather some Hefeweizen from BevMo. On the way back, I saw Tony.

TONY: You Shopping?
RYAN: I just bought some beer.
TONY: That's a lot of beer.
RYAN: Now I'm about to go enjoy it.
TONY: Have fun with that.

Now it's time to leave for Heather's Birthday party.

One-man gang on the Ultraviolent

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