RYAN: Can I have an (with American twang) enchilada plate?
CASHIER CHICK: One (with Mexican accent) enchilada plate.
Just because she worked in a Mexican restaurant, spoke with a Mexican accent to match, and looked cute, that chick seemed jackoffable.
Allison from Palmdale, a fellow raver, texted me (I always get a boner whenever she texts me) to ask if I was going to the Beyond Wonderland rave this Saturday.
Rebekah, another raver from Georgia, texted me to ask if I was going to Miami for Spring Break this year. I don't get a boner when she texts me, but I've busted a #3 to her before.
Then it was time for St. Patrick's Day alcoholic fun. Richard (from high school, not fellow raver Richard) changed plans from Residuals bar on Ventura/Vineland to Pat's Cocktails on Riverside/Ventura. Matt didn't feel like coming out. Boo. I told my mommy I was going to refill my gas, but didn't mention the bar afterward.
At Pat's Cocktails, a drunken Irish stranger offered to buy me (and I guess everyone else he saw) a green beer. I saw Tiffany, whom I met I-don't-remember-when, and met her friend Candie. The running gag of the night, invented by Richard, was that I'm 3/4 black and 1/4 white.
TIFFANY: Are you Asian?
RYAN: What makes you say that?
TIFFANY: Just asking from one Taurus to another. 'Cause me plus Asian is like [draws a shape].
RYAN: What shape was that?
TIFFANY: That was supposed to be a heart. So me plus Asian is like [draws heart again].
If only I admitted to being Filipino, I guess I could've gotten some pussy. But I'm a pro and don't break character. Candie was never convinced, though.
CANDIE: (frustrated) You Asian! 'Cause I'm Asian, so I know you Asian!
I blew her off by sipping my green beer. She imitated me ... but spilled hers on herself! I laughed. Her humiliation showed through her frown.
RYAN: Just between us boys, I like your friend Nicky's curvyness.
Richard then showed me a pic on his phone of Nicky's bare tits that she sent him.
RICHARD: You really need to hit her up.
But I can't believe some douchebag on kareoke murdered Oasis' Wonderwall. Richard's Facebook status immediately read:
RIP "Wonderwall" some douchebag just killed this song. Ryan agrees
This chick who works at the bar started spazzing out in front of me for a few seconds ...
SPAZ CHICK: I just wanted to make you laugh.
RYAN: You're awesome.
She looks aight, so I'll put her in my database for being that considerate of my laughter.
This chick, who I'd later find out is named Haley, kept rubbing my arm to tell me that she needed to get pass me. That sensual rubbing my arm gave me a boner. She's in my database.
COLLIN: I call it the spank bank.
RYAN: And my friend, Michelle, says I'm the only guy who talks like that!
COLLIN: Your friend obviously hasn't talked to other guys.
Highlight of the night: Richard and I were going to our cars - I was leaving, Richard needed to get something - when Richard accidentally knocked Haley's cigarette out of her hand.
RYAN: It's OK. 3 second rule!
HALEY: Are you Hawaiian?
RYAN: No.
HALEY: Are you Filipino?
RYAN: Holy crap, you got it right.
RICHARD: No! He's 3/4 black and 1/4 white.
In a conversation where a drunken Haley kept drunkenly hugging me and told me her life story:
- She's Irish, but also Hawaiian and Native American, so I have no idea how she came out Caucasian with blond hair.
- She was born and raised in Hawaii until her parents moved all of them to Calabasas, CA, for a better life, but realized they were "still fucked up," so moved back to Hawaii.
- She jacks her friend's Filipino sweet bread.
- Her hair used to be long enough for her to sit on, but trimmed 8 inches of it off to donate.
- She says people "aren't blessed like us" and referred to our hair as "horse hair" before taking my ponytail in her hands and kissing it!
- It ended with her grabbing my face and kissing me!
You shouldve banged her
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