Israeli chicks

My mommy and I ate at Zono Sushi. I got kind of bitchy at the restaurant because they NEVER have toro (fatty tuna) sushi whenever I'm there. I can no longer remember when was the last time I tasted toro sushi.

My mommy decided to buy some toys at the mall for my new little cousins that I'll be seeing soon when I go to the Philippines. She ended up buying a Little Miss Sunshine doll that electronically sings and a pink teddy bear (after making fun of my choice in a stuffed dog that electronically sings).

MOMMY: Do you want any clothes from American Eagle?
RYAN: No. It's too pro-caucasian.

Then I stepped out, saying I have to "look at something really quick." I stared at Jazz at the Red Robin to renew her in my database. Then my mommy called me on my cell phone telling me we were late for church.

MOMMY: (driving crazy) The devil distracted us!

By the time we got to church, there was only 5 minutes left. I played with the hand sanitizer again.

I later went back to the mall myself and some Israeli chicks selling cosmetics called me over. It's always an Israeli selling products from the Dead Sea.

ISRAELI CHICK: (with thick accent) My name is Shani. Can I show you something?

I've seen this thing a million times already, but they were all cute so I said, "Yes."

ISRAELI CHICK: Where are you from?
RYAN: Here.
ISRAELI CHICK: Or where are your parents from?
RYAN: Around.
ISRAELI CHICK: Are you Indian? (I'm sure she meant Native American.)
RYAN: Sometimes I pretend I am just because I can.
ISRAELI: You know "Pocahontas?" You look like her husband. [They all high-five like it was the funniest joke ever.] How old are you?
RYAN: Not old.

To make a long story short, after rubbing the stuff all over my arm and hands, it took will power to override the boner and decline. That chick Shani even offered to give me her number to call her in case I had any questions. Holy fuck, they must be really desperate and not making any money!

Bad News: Bailey Banks and Biddle went out of business and apparently had huge sales. Fuck, I could've gotten a real rolex for 50% off if only I was paying attention.

On my way to Barnes and Noble, I witnessed a couple having an over-pretentiously angsty, teen-drama-type conversation ... They were in their 30s! And the dude (asian) was shorter than the chick (white).

At Barnes and Noble, I was reading sheet music for the Twilight soundtrack that features Muse's Supermassive Black Hole and Linkin Park's Leave Out All the Rest. Then I noticed some older blond lady checking me out.

OLDER BLOND LADY: (impressed) Are you reading sheet music?
RYAN: (elegantly) Yes.
OLDER BLOND LADY: You can actually read the notes and play it in your head?
RYAN: (confidently) Yes.
OLDER BLOND LADY: Do you play piano?
RYAN: Guitar.
OLDER BLOND LADY: What do you play?
RYAN: Classical. [She looks like she wets her pants]
DUDE WHO'S WITH HER: She's a classical pianist.

He had an accent that pronounced "pianist" as "penis." Ah, the pussy I could've gotten in life if only I never had anxiety attacks when trying to talk to girls.