Dual citizenship

My mommy came home from work early to take me to the Philippine embassy to apply for dual citizenship. We just had to make sure I cover my ass because anyone vacationing in the Philippines for more than 30 days is automatically sent to the Immigration department upon landing in the airport where those crooks scam them to apply for a visa and charge them 2-3 times more than the actual fees.

We stopped by Costco so I can take a half-ass pic for the application. Then we found out at the embassy that because my dad still has his Philippine citizenship, I'm automatically a dual citizen. Those crooks won't be able to fuck with me now.

MOMMY: I don't even have dual-citizenship! When I became an American citizen, they made me renounce all other citizenships. So you're (that's me) better than me.

I over-ate at Sizzler, as is my Sizzler tradition, with a steak and lobster tail, plus salad bar (clam chowder, salad, chicken wings, tacos, ice cream, fruits with cottage cheese, jello, pudding, miscellaneous junk food) all in a total of 5 plates, and strawberry lemonade.

I did more shopping at Costco afterward for stuff to bring to the Philippines. I bought a drink, but all the rasperry nestea was unsweetened despite the labels still saying "sweetened." I asked for a refund. They refunded me, but told me to keep the cup as their apology and get something else. Free drink!

Then went to the mall and saw that Hot Topic has a new wolfpack tanktop (Twilight/New Moon) that I need to get. Finally! I've been waiting for the franchise to come out with muscle shirts! While walking at the Americana, my BFF Kat, who was likely at a bar, sent me a picture message of a snakebite (1 of my favorite drinks) that read:

Mmmm snake bites thinkin of u :) xoxo

(For the millionth time) Kat's family lives down the street from Kelly Clarkson's family in Texas. That's why I made her my BFF.

Israeli chicks

My mommy and I ate at Zono Sushi. I got kind of bitchy at the restaurant because they NEVER have toro (fatty tuna) sushi whenever I'm there. I can no longer remember when was the last time I tasted toro sushi.

My mommy decided to buy some toys at the mall for my new little cousins that I'll be seeing soon when I go to the Philippines. She ended up buying a Little Miss Sunshine doll that electronically sings and a pink teddy bear (after making fun of my choice in a stuffed dog that electronically sings).

MOMMY: Do you want any clothes from American Eagle?
RYAN: No. It's too pro-caucasian.

Then I stepped out, saying I have to "look at something really quick." I stared at Jazz at the Red Robin to renew her in my database. Then my mommy called me on my cell phone telling me we were late for church.

MOMMY: (driving crazy) The devil distracted us!

By the time we got to church, there was only 5 minutes left. I played with the hand sanitizer again.

I later went back to the mall myself and some Israeli chicks selling cosmetics called me over. It's always an Israeli selling products from the Dead Sea.

ISRAELI CHICK: (with thick accent) My name is Shani. Can I show you something?

I've seen this thing a million times already, but they were all cute so I said, "Yes."

ISRAELI CHICK: Where are you from?
RYAN: Here.
ISRAELI CHICK: Or where are your parents from?
RYAN: Around.
ISRAELI CHICK: Are you Indian? (I'm sure she meant Native American.)
RYAN: Sometimes I pretend I am just because I can.
ISRAELI: You know "Pocahontas?" You look like her husband. [They all high-five like it was the funniest joke ever.] How old are you?
RYAN: Not old.

To make a long story short, after rubbing the stuff all over my arm and hands, it took will power to override the boner and decline. That chick Shani even offered to give me her number to call her in case I had any questions. Holy fuck, they must be really desperate and not making any money!

Bad News: Bailey Banks and Biddle went out of business and apparently had huge sales. Fuck, I could've gotten a real rolex for 50% off if only I was paying attention.

On my way to Barnes and Noble, I witnessed a couple having an over-pretentiously angsty, teen-drama-type conversation ... They were in their 30s! And the dude (asian) was shorter than the chick (white).

At Barnes and Noble, I was reading sheet music for the Twilight soundtrack that features Muse's Supermassive Black Hole and Linkin Park's Leave Out All the Rest. Then I noticed some older blond lady checking me out.

OLDER BLOND LADY: (impressed) Are you reading sheet music?
RYAN: (elegantly) Yes.
OLDER BLOND LADY: You can actually read the notes and play it in your head?
RYAN: (confidently) Yes.
OLDER BLOND LADY: Do you play piano?
RYAN: Guitar.
OLDER BLOND LADY: What do you play?
RYAN: Classical. [She looks like she wets her pants]
DUDE WHO'S WITH HER: She's a classical pianist.

He had an accent that pronounced "pianist" as "penis." Ah, the pussy I could've gotten in life if only I never had anxiety attacks when trying to talk to girls.

In that gay Edward Cullen sort of way

Woke up pretty late. I was watching Casper last night (the 1995 film adaption of the old Casper the Friendly Ghost cartoons). During the part when Casper begins to remember his previous life and how he died ... um ... I started to maybe tear up. (But shut up! I can still kick your ass!)

Anyway, it stars Christina Ricci. It made me think about Edlin because she's always getting teased about how she looks like Christina Ricci (because she does) and hates it. If only Edlin wasn't STILL mourning how some guy she likes moved away, I would've gone for her.

Anyway, after that, I stayed up until 5:00AM watching porn, but the kind with non-actors. It's a nice change of pace from that studio-produced, scripted stuff with actors doing scripted sex.

I did jack shit today. So I just walked around the Red Robin and Jazz was sitting against the window in the back where they spend their break. I stood there literally a couple feet from her, watching in that gay Edward Cullen sort of way. If anyone asked, my excuse would've been I was listening to the restaurant's sound system. I listened to the songs just in case (1 of them was Counting Crows' Accidentally in Love from the Shrek soundtrack). I noticed Jazz had typical girly arms, which are skinny. She was just talking on her phone. Finally she went back to work. Then I went home.

Louis' (from Capoeira) Birthday party at Mission Bowl was tonight. His Birthday was last Thursday. Apparently, Angel's was 2 weeks ago, but Andres implied that we'd still be jumping them in the Capoeira tradition. But I didn't feel like driving to Louis' party. I'd rather be extracting the database.

Black Friday

My mommy woke me up to see if I wanted to do some Black Friday shopping. I remember saying, "Yeah" and immediately going back to sleep. I woke later, had some Thanksgiving leftovers for breakfast (albeit in the afternoon) and caught up with my mommy at the mall. We ate at McDonalds where I had a McRib sandwich for the 1st time. Then she went to work but I stayed behind to do a database run.

Sad news: Sword in the Stone went out of business. That was my go-to store whenever I couldn't think of what present to get for someone (i.e. Matt's double-sided knife, Stef's sword-letter-opener, my mommy's pepper spray).

Jazz wasn't working tonight. But I noticed some cute white girl walk into the Red Robin. She had 2 black friends with her (or maybe 1 of them was Indian, not sure). And later on, that same chick would keep passing by me at different parts of the mall. It was like God wanted me to put her in my database. She was blond - hard to tell if bottle blonde or natural or both, wore blue plaid, beige pants, and sneakers. One time, I was heading to the restroom and so was she. She was stuck in line for the women's whereas the men's had no line. If only this was a porn film, we would've exchanged cheasy dialogue, invited her to use the men's restroom so she wouldn't have to wait in line, the handicap stall would've been available since it's the most spacious, and bow chicka wow wow. But nooo. In this real life, I just watched her fade away into the parking lot while I held on to what was left of my erection.

I went to Hot Topic. This employee named Danielle, who holds me over whenever Jazz isn't working, wasn't there either. But this chick who's tatted up, and who's been working there for a while, was. Only tonight did I realize that she's actually a butterface. I don't know, maybe she needs to pluck her eyebrows or the hair's been damaged by too much black hair dye, but I'd prefer to be wasted if I ever had to fuck her. If only this was a porn film, she would've been storing alcohol in the backroom (because the workers seem like the type), invited me to do some shots, there would've been some corny reason to look at something in the fitting room, and bow chicka wow wow ... even if it's in positions were I wouldn't have to look at her face. But nooo. In this real life, I just looked at her from behind as she folded clothing in the Twilight merchandise section.

I was at the Americana when I saw Veronica (chick from my childhood, appears African, but considered Filipina since she was raised by her Filipina mom). Holy crap, she's suddenly pregnant. But she's not married! Last time I saw her, I was eating at the Cheesecake Factory (Veronica's a waitress there) with my mommy and Carlos and Michelle before they moved away. I remember hoping that none of them caught me staring at Veronica's ass while I thought to myself, I'd hit it. So when I saw her tonight, I was jealous that I didn't get to before she got knocked up. If only this was a porn film ... nevermind, any hypothetical sex situations involving pregnant chicks might sound disgusting.

Thanksgiving

What the F? I woke up after having a dream that I was having sex with Kelly Osbourne. I guess I was still thinking about how she should've won this season's Dancing with the Stars last Tuesday. Should've.

Anyway, today's Thanksgiving, my 2nd favorite holiday of the year (after Halloween). I just like to eat. My mommy sent me to some Filipino food store called Arko to pick up egg rolls and goat. Then I went to Ralph's to buy distilled water.

There was this chick standing next to me in line that I had to put in my database. She had light brown hair, a bad perm, about my height, and "an older woman" type of face. Wasn't sure if she was armenian because sometimes it's hard to tell these days, but if she was, I would've fucked her only out of spite. Now if this was a porn film, we would've exchanged cheesy dialogue, there would've been some corny reason to go back to her car or mine, and bow chicka wow wow (even though it would've been crowded since we're the same height). But nooo. In this real life, I just paid for my stuff and left.

I went to McDonald's for my junk food fix. There was this employee that I had to put in my database. She was some kind of latina with a pretty face.

RYAN: May I have a refill of orange soda?
CHICK: [Taking my cup] Sure. Hold on to your lid please.

I actually exchanged dialogue with her! Score! If only this was a porn film, we would've exchanged cheesy metaphors comparing sex to her refilling my cup, there would've been a pretentiously corny reason for us to end up in the backroom, and bow chicka wow wow. But nooo. In this real life, she refilled my cup, I said, "Thank you," and went home.

I had to stop by Ralph's again to pick up paper plates. My cousin Mark and my niece Mikaela were at my house. For the 1st time, Mikaela was able to not cry around me. She had always thought I looked like a villain out of a cartoon and cried out of fear whenever I came around. Hiro, my friend from Japan who had nowhere to go, arrived next. I grubbed on turkey with cranberry sauce, ham with tantalizing mustard, cranberry juice, fruit salad, coconut pastries, pumpkin pie, coffee, and cousin Andree's Birthday cake (fruit tart from Porto's Bakery).

I see your true colors shining through

Stopped by Baja Fresh for some nachos before finally going to Capoeira training today. The Glendale Marketplace was blasting Paul Van Dyk's Sandstorm. I've been having trouble making the earlier 4:00PM start time, but training today started at 5:30PM. So I thought I was finally gonna be early ... but no. Of all days, there was mad traffic. Something about heavy winds on the 118 forced everyone to clog the 210 freeway.

I finally saw the new room we landed. Today's class: Andres, Angel, Jesse II, Louis, Diana, and Brian (not to be confused with Brian at the GNC). Brian, who had to leave for Utah last summer, was in town for Thanksgiving break.

For my own boring reference, the 1st combo we drilled: meia lua de frente (inside ax kick), armada (spin kick), esquiva (dodge), meia lua de compasso (low spin kick). 2nd combo: meia lua de frente, armada, quexiada (ax kick), switch stance, meia lua de compasso. Then we played. Then the higher-ups interrupted us because they had to close the facility. And we continued playing outside. In my last game, I was playing Angel and my pants were falling down, but Jesse II bailed me out.

Then we talked:

• Brian says there's nothing to do in Utah except that a chick told him the clubs are in the city and "there's exstacy."
• In a lot of schools in Utah, boys and girls have Bibles placed between them while dancing to make sure they don't get too close.
• Everytime Andres joked about cutting a hole through the Bible to "hook up" while dancing, he eerily found new blood on his forehead.
• Andres' overly-Christian mom once freaked out when Andres placed another book on top of the Bible.
• Andres was once set up to check out a transvestite while in Brazil.
• A chick's ass implants went terribly wrong that they look like hamstrings.
• I shared the chapter of my life when I had to go out with a stripper.
• Girls Gone Wild is boring as it's just girls flashing for a shirt, which they do so quickly that the editors have to replay it in slow motion and pause it.
• Rebuked Diana's claim that she saw a Brazilian chick with no ass since "there's no such thing" and I reinforced it with, "I watch the [Brazilian] porn. Chicks have ass!".
• Andres FINALLY looked up the naked pics of Ashley Greene (Alice Cullen from Twilight) - saying, "I like Alice!" - and said he thought of me since I was 1st to break the news of it.
• Andres reenacted a scene from New Moon where Jacob Black takes off his shirt in slow motion with the cameras on his abs to wrap it around Bella's bleeding head.
• I shared how, whenever I have to shake hands with someone I don't like, I rub my hand down my crotch first out of spite.
• Somehow Andres hand went into Angel's mouth during their handshake and that's the new joke.

Ended the day with an all new episode of Glee that featured their cover of Cyndi Lauper's True Colors and then The Ultimate Fighter.

Mark Dacascos vs. Chuck Liddell

Rocked out in guitar practice again. Same song. Damn, Soleares is a LONG song to get through. And I just found out it's actually Flamenco (I've been calling it Classical this whole time).

I was about to go to the gym early to hit the weights, but stayed home instead to watch the Dancing with the Stars finale. Kelly Osbourne was robbed! Sure, Donny Osmond is an ok winner. And Maya was forgettable. But Osbourne was robbed!

BUT the most important part of the finale was bringing back past contestants of the season and giving us Mark Dacascos (of Martial Arts B-movies fame) vs. Chuck Liddell (retired UFC fighter):



HO.LY.FUCK!

Going to the gym to lift weights now.

Wheat germ and milk

I was supposed to go to Capoeira training today, but this earlier start time isn't working for me. Went to the gym to do calisthenics. Ended the day with Chinese food my mommy brought home for dinner while watching WWE Raw. Gives me a chance to catch up on yesterday ...

Woke up yesterday at 2:00PM. My mommy called me to make sure I go to church. She was in Las Vegas for the weekend with family, but I stayed behind for Chris' Birthday party (PWG was just a bonus).

Went to church and then Red Robin afterward for dinner. Good news: Jazz was there. Bad news: She wasn't my waitress. Dammit.

The hostess who sat me down noticed I was wearing my Hermione shirt and ranted about how she's a big Harry Potter fan and how she has both the Gryffindor and Ravenclaw uniforms. She was ... eh ... all right looking, I guess. My waitress was named Liz. I recognized her from this 1 time when she stood next to me at the mall's guest services table and asked me if it was still open. I said, "No." And she remarked, "Fuck." And I was like, "Ooh ... a Red Robin employee said, 'fuck.'" Liz was also ... eh ... all right looking, I guess. Not necessarily un-sober-fuckable, but I'd prefer to be drunk if I had to fuck her.

There was this new employee with glasses who was kind of cute, I guess, but not like Jazz, though. I caught the glasses-wearing chick and an employee dude staring at each other with bedroom eyes. Ha. I wonder what goes on in the backroom there. And I caught another employee dude say "shit."

Anyway, Liz can't make a Freckled Lemonade for shit. It kept coming out yellow because she kept making it backwards. You're supposed to pour the strawberries and syrup 1st and the lemonade last to turn it pink, not the other way around. I gave her a low tip because of that. But she offered to give me a Freckled Lemonade to take home. When I got home, I found out it was overloaded with strawberries and syrup and very pink, perhaps her way of saying sorry. Damn, I feel bad about giving her a low tip now.

But everytime Jazz passed by, I reached my hand deep down into my pants and touched myself (thank God for being covered by the table). If this was a porn film, Jazz would've been my waitress. We would've exchanged cheesy dialogue like that in porn movies and there would've been some corny reason for her to come back to my place because no one was home and ... bow chicka wow wow. But nooo. In this real life, I went home to fire up the porn and then extract the database ... BUT before I could do anything, my mommy came home 1 hour earlier than expected. Cockblock! But thank God I wasn't busting a #3 in the living room where I would've been caught with my pants down.

The morning after B.O.L.A. and Chris' 34th BDay Party

Last night, I picked up Matt, headed for night 2 of PWG's Battle Of Los Angeles, and called Chad when I got there ...

CHAD: Oh, yeah, I decided not to go. I'm at home right now.
RYAN: What the hell are you doing at home? Jacking off?
CHAD: Yup. You know to who.

Speaking of which, that 1 chick at PWG shows who Chad and I both have in common in our databases showed up. So Chad missed out. It was just Matt, James from the night before, his friend Christian, and I. And I can't believe they ran out of beer on tap after just 3 matches! Blasphemy! We had to request filling a pitcher with bottled beer, but at least it was Sam Adams. Tornado talked to me during intermission. I guess I'm still in the in-crowd.

We were not feeling the main event of Roderick Strong vs. Kenny Omega that Matt said, "If they go longer than 25 minutes, we're leaving." But I corrected him, "20 minutes." I timed it. Coincidentally, they finished in 20 minutes flat at 12:01AM! Wow, they must've heard us. Stopped by Wendy's fast food, took Matt home, and Fast and Furious-ed it to Anaheim for Chris' 34th Birthday party really late. Made it there in 32 minutes - a personal record!


I quickly ate everything I saw (mostly tacos) to make up for not eating the whole day, did a bunch of shots, drunkenly wore Chris' hard hat, and finally gave Heather a shooter from Las Vegas that was supposed to be her Birthday gift 2 years ago that I just kept forgetting to bring whenever I saw her.



MARELIS: It's about time you came! Don't make me take back this magazine!

Marelis was cleaning out her office when she found some magazine with Kelly Clarkson on the cover and the 1st thing she thought of was giving it to me. And she did. Yay.



Since it was past midnight, it was officially Judy's Birthday. But Judy (right) and her wife, Lauren (left), passed out quick. Still, we managed to get Judy to drink a shot while unconscious.



For his Birthday gift, I gave Chris a bottle of wine at my mommy's suggestion. We were in the kitchen while Heather and Shaun were arguing next to us and I commented on Chris' facebook, "Dude, we're in your kitchen. I'm eating an apple cinnamon airhead. And you're still fucked up." He commented back, "I'm so fucked up and everybody is mad!"



That's Kat, my B.F.F. Her family lives down the street from Kelly Clarkson's family in Texas. Hence, why she's my B.F.F.

RYAN: So anytime you wanna take a roadtrip to visit your family, just let me know.
KAT: I might go in January.
RYAN: Dammit, I might be in the Philippines still.



That's Kat's boyfriend Shaun and I doing a gunshow pose down. I then heard some new stories about our old friend John (also Marelis' ex).

SHAUN: 2 weeks into my relationship with Kat, John said to me, "If it weren't for you, I'd be dating Kat right now."
RYAN: Was he drunk?
SHAUN: That's the same thing Marelis asked. But no. He was stone cold sober!
RYAN: What a dick!



This seems to be a tradition. Every year at his Birthday party, Chris would pass out and Shaun and I would take pics of ourselves next to a passed out Chris.



And that's my turn.

I also heard a new story about Mark. Apparently, last year, Mark brought them what was supposed to be happy medications. But when everyone woke up the next morning with no memory of the night before, they deduced that the meds must've been roofies! And since Judy had taken naked pics of Heather, Heather made Judy throw away her camera. But Heather bought Judy a more updated and expensive camera.

In other news, Shaun is the descendant of a past King of Scotland. I got home at 6:00AM. Way too tired to extract the database. Knocked out instead.

Battle of Los Angeles (night 2)

Last night, I hung out with Chad and James (Brandon's friend whom I met last PWG show). Despite calling me a few days ago to remind me about PWG, Brandon somehow forgot it was this weekend and took a road trip to San Francisco.

Once again, the asian bartender was talking to me. I should probably learn her name by now. She noticed I was wearing my Hermione shirt ...

ASIAN BARTENDER: Are you serious? (Silence.) That is so wrong! Only 'cause she was still a teen when that image was taken.

It was an outrage that all they had on tap was Bud and Miller. AND they ran out of each, so they had to mix them! Plus, they automatically assumed since I was retuning 2 pitchers that I wanted both refilled. So I had 2 pitchers, each a mixture of Bud and Miller. But at least Lisa, the bartender who's been in my database for a long time now, spoke to me ...

LISA: Tell our friends in Nebraska that we said "hi" and we miss them.
RYAN: I will!

I exchanged 2 lines of dialogue with her. Score! Fuck it, both bartenders are in my database (since the asian one's always put effort trying to talk to me). I have enough alone time on my hands.

CHAD: The last time we sat together at a show was last summer with Carlos and Michelle. We were fucked up. Remember how we were talking to the wrestlers? Oh, remember how we met that chick Buggy?

Ah, if he only knew. Buggy wasn't at PWG last night. I guess she's still sick with the flu. I wonder if she'll still stalk me since announcing 3 days ago that she got in a relationship with 1 of the local wrestlers. It's flattering how there was dialogue between us on her facebook wherein she implied that she liked me, but had to hide it once she got in an official relationship. It gave me that "the other guy" type of feel. Flattering. Oh well. Her friend Krystal was cuter anyway. Speaking of which ...

CHAD: Hey, that chick (Buggy's friend, Krystal) looks like Socal Val.
RYAN: Socal Val's too high maintenance.
CHAD: Yeah, she don't even look that good.
RYAN: But I'd jack off to her (Krystal).
CHAD: I would too!

That chick who used to wear a flower on her ear and who sits in the back row was there too. Renewed in my database.

Watching Pineapple Express on TV now. Today's plan: Pick up Matt to go to Battle of Los Angeles night 2. And then show up to Chris' Birthday party in Anaheim really late.

Battle of Los Angeles (night 1)

The plan was to pick up Matt, then go to Capoeira training, and then PWG's Battle of Los Angeles since it's nearby to Capoeira training. That didn't happen.

Matt had to cancel. My mommy brought home some halo-halo from the Filipino food store just when I was supposed to leave for training. I stayed a little longer to eat it. By the time I was done eating, I didn't feel like showing up really late for training. I watched an all new Degrassi instead.

Chad just called me and he's in the Pasadena area on his way to PWG. I told him I'd be there at 6:00PM. But I feel like stopping by the Red Robin first to renew Jazz in my database since she's working tonight. 6:30PM it is. I'm on my way.

A double-you-tee-ef dream

Ok, so apparently I had a nocturnal emission last night. The problem is that I don't even remember having any dreams last night. All I remember was going to sleep and then waking up having to change my pajamas. That's not fair. If that's going to happen, I'd like to remember why I have to change my pajamas. I'm calling it a "double-you-tee-ef" dream.

It's my homeboy Chris' 34th Birthday. Fuck, that's old. I just have to figure out how I'm going to be in 2 places at the same time on Saturday night: his Birthday party in Anaheim and night 2 of PWG's Battle of Los Angeles.

Anyway, today was a great weight-lifting day at the gym.

I'll Stand By You

Late last night/early this morning at the gym, I was doing my calisthenics when a cop walked in looking for someone. He didn't say who, but only 1 person comes to mind: Datu. Let's review: Datu's a regular customer at the GNC who disappears periodically because he was either in the hospital or in jail. He's required to remain on medications. Last time he was arrested, it was for masturbating outside of a club in Glendale called Giggles while on cocaine.

I found out the following conversation took place after I left:

IAM: I can't tell if that's a guy or a girl because he or she has bitch tits.
GUY WITH BITCH TITS: (overhears) What are you guys talking about over there?
IAM: We're talking about your bitch tits.
GUY WITH BITCH TITS: This is a chest.
IAM: Do you prefer the term "man boobs?" It's not supposed to hang down like that.
[nervous silence]
GUY WITH BITCH TITS: I guess I'll increase my cardio.

I had a nutella crepe today with strawberries, bananas, and whip cream. It was bomb. I also took my sweet time eating it that I texted Andres I'd be late to Capoeira practice.

When I finally got there 50 minutes late (and there was traffic today when there's never traffic), I found Andres, Louis, Diana, and Jesse II in the recreation center of the park. Andres finally convinced management to give us a space to train indoors! But we do have to prove that we can draw more students. Anyway, there was no training today because it was so damn cold. And I promised Diana that I'd treat her as "1 of the boys with no special treatment" because she got fed up with being excluded whenever we guys share "guy stories."

I called Carlos while I was at the mall:

CARLOS: Are you gonna ask Jazz out?
RYAN: Um, I just have to try to catch her when she's not busy.
CARLOS: Are you walking around the Red Robin right now?
RYAN: (coincidentally walking around the Red Robin) Um, no. But I'm walking there right now.

I visited Brian at the GNC. Edna, the director of The Forgotten Jewel, which I worked on as a stuntman, called me to make sure she spelled my name correctly in the credits. Then this security guard named Ken walked in. He's a guy I knocked out with a roundhouse kick to the head during a fight 10 years ago. Ken shook hands with Brian. So then I rubbed my hand all over my dick before shaking hands with Ken out of spite. Then Brian's new girl, Tu, stopped by to grab Brian's balls to give him blue balls before leaving for the night.

I ended the night with watching Orianthi Panagaris, who was Michael Jackson's lead guitarist in his movie This Is It and whom I later busted a #3 to, perform on Dancing with the Stars. Then an all new episode of Glee where they covered The Pretenders' I'll Stand By You. Lastly, The Ultimate Fighter on Spike TV.

Angels

I had a weird dream last night that I was having sex with Buggy. Who's Buggy? Let's review: She was the valet at a wrestling show whom I met last summer when I went with Carlos and Michelle. Since then, she has stalked me at every wrestling show. Anyway, yeah, that was a cool dream. It's also her Birthday tomorrow, but I just wished her a Happy BDay today on her facebook to beat the traffic of BDay greetings tomorrow.

I rocked at guitar practice today. Same old stuff.

Time for the gym now. I leave you with a video of Kelly Osbourne's Rumba last night on Dancing with the Stars where the cover band covers Robbie Williams's Angels.

My teeth rule

I went to the dentist. I've never had a cavity. Still don't. They were surprised that I've never had braces. Apparently, my teeth are that good. But they said they might have to seal over some dips.

Skipped Capoeira training.

I parked at the Americana where it's supposed to be free parking Monday - Thursday. But just for the "holidays," they began charging today after an hour. This might last until after New Year. What are they? Jewish? I visited Brian at the GNC. The annoying kid Emmanuel was there.

RYAN: What are they? Jewish?
BRIAN: Must be!

A few minutes earlier, I had walked by this kid Johnny, who was walking with 2 lesbians. Coincidentally, Johnny walked into the GNC later.

JOHNNY: I'm hanging out with these lesbians right now. One's a butch. I made fun of them all throughout high school and now they won't leave me alone. I told them I had to come in here right now to get medicine for my stomach. They bought it.
BRIAN: How old's the one who's not a butch?
JOHNNY: My age (highschool).
BRIAN: Send them over his way (pointing at me).

I went to move my car so I won't have to pay those "Jews" parking. I saw Dave hanging out in the Glendale Marketplace on the way back. Emmanuel was gone. Yes. That left Brian, Johnny and I to talk about real guy stuff:

• Each 1 of us has illegally taken out a chick because she lied about her age.
• Johnny's ex 13-year-old girlfriend's mom also lied about her daughter's age because she thought Johnny was the best her daughter could do.
• Extenze apparently makes it so that you can't stop ejaculating to the point that you soak the chick.
• Brian has shown all of his reluctant dates porn to the point they become brainwashed into thinking "porn style sex" is "real life sex."
• Johnny hates the actors from Twilight because his girlfriend and her friends are in love with them.
• Brian just hates Taylor Lautner who plays Jacob Black on Twilight because he's only 17 and buffer than all of us.
• Brian is self-conscious about his current girl, Tu - a.k.a. Vietnam - because he thinks she qualifies as a midget at 4'8.

BRIAN: But Ryan, you said you'd fuck her (Tu), right?
RYAN: Um, no I didn't.
BRIAN: Didn't you? Mario said he'd fuck her. And someone else said so too.
RYAN: It wasn't me.
BRIAN: But wouldn't you?
RYAN: You want me to fuck your girl???
BRIAN: No, no, no! [Johnny laughs] Like, I need a second opinion. If more guys would hypothetically fuck her, it reassures me that she's not a midget.
RYAN: Brian's a midget fucker!

Mommy brought home Chinese food for dinner. I watched Dancing with the Stars. I would've never thought this before, but after seeing Kelly Osbourne's transformation throughout this show ... I'd hit it. Ended the night with WWE Raw.

Brian's blue balls and Database overload!

My mommy woke me up at 12:55PM to tell me I missed church ... again. I'll admit I went to sleep at 5:00AM after watching homemade porn by real everyday people (it's nice to get away from the "acting" porn once in a while). I had inserted some chick named Debbie in my database for the 1st time. She's a personal trainer at the gym I go to.

My mommy and I ate at Zono Sushi in Glendale. Then went to the mall. I visited Brian at the GNC. He told me about how his new girl (her name's Tu - she's Vietnamese, but I think "his new girl" sounds better) randomly rubs his balls and then just stops. I told him he had to finish his "blue balls" story some other time as I had to meet my mommy at church, but not before walking by the Red Robin to put Jazz in my database.

After church, my mommy and I continued shopping. I finally bought this belt with the "Last Supper" design at Urban Outfitters. Then bought a Rascal Flatts shirt at JC Penny. I don't remember the last time I ever bought anything clothing related. I feel like such a girl. I walked by the Red Robin again to see Jazz for another database run.

Then my mommy discovered her phone was lost. After calling Urban Outfitters and finding out it was turned in, I went there to retrieve it. We were locked inside the mall for a while, though. On the way there, I passed by Cheesecake Factory and noticed this waitress named Crystal who served us once. I remember she was the one who kept touching my arm every time she spoke to me, which gave me a boner. I renewed her in the database. A chick employee at Urban Outfitters met me at the door to give me the phone and she was also worthy enough to be in the database. Overload! I'm gonna have my work cut out for me this week in jacking off.

My mommy and I had dinner at In-N-Out Burger.

Red, White, and Blue ... and Gold

I had the weirdest dream last night: I start out as Sav from Degrassi. I'm peeing in an alley at night, but looking over my shoulder because zombies are taking over the world. I'm all alone except for a truck and a guy picking up trash. I'm supposed to wait for a phone call from Edward Cullen from Twilight about our plan.

When I get back to the safe house (which turns out to be my/Uncle Lando's old condominium), 2 zombies try to break down the door. I call Edward on the phone for back up, but he laughs evil-y. But I bludgeon the zombies with my car/house keys and they get cured (perhaps the keys were made of silver, even though silver is more for werewolves). Professor Dumbledore from Harry Potter appears to discuss futher plans. A witch reveals she has been hiding in a secret room at Hogwarts. The room disappears as she shows us, but Hogwarts looks like Mount Olympus from the Percy and the Lightning Thief trailer.

Then I woke up. End of weird dream.

I went to the gym to lift weights. I worked out my whole upper body. I watched UFC 105, which was free on Spike TV. Brandon Vera got screwed by the judges. I'm not sure how many points they gave Randy Couture for humping Vera against the cage despite being taken down, knocked down, ground-and-pounded, and taking lots of kicks to the ribs. BUT Manny Pacquiao destroying some bigger guy named Cotto redeemed it for the Red, White, and Blue ... and Gold (hint: Philippine flag). I was then inspired to go to the gym for a 2nd time and work out my whole lower body, thus working out my entire body in 1 day!

Friday the 13th

I skipped Capoeira training today just because I was lazy. After just 1 hour, 26 minutes and 36 seconds class was supposed to begin, Andres texted, "Great class guys!" Now I'm curious what they went over.

I was supposed to grapple with Brian at the GNC, but he wasn't picking up his phone. Anyway, I was gonna call him to cancel because I messed up my left knee against the wall while doing handstand walks last Wednesday.

I watched an all new Degrassi at 5:00PM. Went to walk around the Red Robin at 7:00PM to put Jazz in my database. And got home in time for an all new Smallville at 8:00PM, which debuted the Wonder Twins, 1 of them played by David Gallagher (from 7th Heaven).

I ended the night by firing up the porn. There was this 1 video of a guy and a girl practicing Mixed Martial Arts (MMA) naked! It started on the ground with Brazilian Jujitsu (BJJ), but ended when the chick roundhouse-kicked him in the balls! It ended with the guy crying on the floor.

JCVD

I went to the gym to do calisthenics and I gotta say ... I'm back! I made up for last Saturday's sorry ass calisthenics day when I felt like shit. AND I burned 273.9 calories at a distance of 2.73 miles.

I went to Hot Topic in the Glendale Galleria afterward and listened to the Glee soundtrack on their headphones. Meanwhile, I noticed the employees opening boxes next to me with New Moon (Twilight sequel) merchandise that just arrived. I hope they got more werewolf stuff.

WORKER DUDE: By the way, we're pretty much closed. You can still keep shopping, but I'm just saying we're closed.
RYAN: Holy crap, what time is it?

Apparently lost track of time while listening to the Glee soundtrack.

WORKER DUDE: But since you're here, can you fill this out?

I now have a Hot Topic rewards card. I learned the workers names by listening to them talk to each other. The worker dude is Gary, and the other 2 chicks are Georgia and Dani.

Dani's been in my database for a long time, but I hadn't been busting a #3 to her since she tried experimenting with her hair and went horribly wrong. But her hair's back to normal now. I'll probably bust a #3 to her this weekend. She holds me over whenever Jazz isn't working at Red Robin. Gosh, I just gotta catch Jazz when she's not busy so I can hopefully introduce myself without stuttering and maybe even - in a Hail Mary sort of way - mutter something that resembles asking her out so I can finally tell Michelle about it (because I know she reads this).

I guess I'll be staying up late to watch JCVD on Spike TV. It starts Jean-Claude Van Damme as himself (hence, the title JCVD) in a fictional account about himself. Wow, just ... wow.

Just another hump day

I pulled up to Capoeira practice and found Diana sitting alone. Of course. She never runs. The rest of the class returned from their run and it was just Andres, Jesse I, and Ian. I accidentally scraped my left knee deep against the wall (despite wearing pants) doing handstand walks. By the time I finished cleaning it up in the restroom, it looked like a murder scene in there. Andres and Jesse went for a 2nd run, leaving just Ian, Diana and I to break.

RYAN: I had a dream about--
DIANA: --a guy?
RYAN: You're too obsessed with guy-on-guy fantasies! I had a dream about Kristen Stewart (Bella Swan from Twilight).
DIANA: Was it rated PG, R ...
RYAN: Um, what happened was ...
DIANA: It was rated R.
RYAN: And it was cowgirl.
DIANA: Oh God.
RYAN: I just don't know how that happened 'cause I'm more of an Alice Cullen (Ashley Greene) type of guy. By the way, her leaked naked pics are on my secret blog.
DIANA: You have a blog?
RYAN: And you're not gonna find it!
DIANA: Maybe you thought about Kristen Stewart right before you fell asleep--
RYAN: Oh, and I might have to boycott New Moon (upcoming Twilight sequel) 'cause Kelly Clarkson's - my future baby's mama - song that she submitted for it's soundtrack didn't make the final cut.
DIANA: What do you talk about in your blog that's so secret?
RYAN: Jacking off to this girl who works at Red Robin, and other girls, blah, blah, blah ...

I also ended up landing a side kick to Diana's boobs when we played in the roda. Andres says it's off limits just because she's a girl. Andres is on a raw food diet for the next 20 days, which is why he's so tired because his body's adjusting. He also confessed to getting a large cup of ice cream at Cold Stones as soon as we all ended our diet after Monster Massive. Jesse II stopped by to visit.

I finally opened the mysterious box Stefanie gave me on Halloween when she drew the wolfpack tattoo on me. Pics to come when my laptop is working again. My mommy and I had dinner at Cheesecake Factory. The usual beef ribs and rasperry lemonade for me.

Numero Uno Pizza

Highlight of my day: I ate a "small" thick crust pizza (which fills up half a plate) with olive and mushroom toppings at Numero Uno Pizza for the 1st time in many months. Gosh I'm loving not having to walk around with no shirt on any time soon. Any dieting ended after Monster Massive on Halloween.

Then went to rock at guitar practice. Picked up where we left off last week with that flamenco song Soleares. I know I always say I rocked, but I was really feeling it today. Must've been the pizza. Oh, and as soon as he started playing, my guitar teacher snapped his G-string. Get your mind out of the gutter. That's the 3rd string on the guitar.

2nd highlight: I burned 427.9 calories at 4.71 miles on a treadmill at the gym.

Finished the day with some Yoshinoya.

Back in the saddle again

Well today sucked. Supposed to go to Capoeira practice (although today was grappling day). Drowning Pool's Let the Bodies Hit the Floor was blasting on youtube as I got ready. But then I couldn't find my "getting dirty" pants. By the time I found it (mommy had tossed it under a pile of clothes), I didn't want to walk into practice late. Plus, Andres mentioned he had to leave early to talk with the higher-ups of the new place he's trying to get for us.

I went to the gym instead. And boy did I make up for last Saturday's sorry ass workout where I felt like shit.

But then Andres texted that the new place is a "no-go." Boo. He said:

Just remember what big momma said 'aithangs gonna be alright'

Finished the night with WWE Raw and Chinese food my mommy brought home.

Hand sanitizers rule

Mommy woke me up to tell me I overslept and missed church again. That's been happening every Sunday lately. Saw that I slept through text messages from Andres and Tiwat. Andres' said:

Weird nite last nite. Im dreamt i wz eating a giant maeshmallow ... Wen i woke up my pillow was gone ... ill find out if it was cotton or feather when nature calls

Went to visit Brian at the GNC. (BTW, there was this band playing at the Americana that was so horrible that even I thought I could do better.) Last week, the security guard Ricafort mentioned Brian's debacle to get to Monster Massive. Brian's group's plan was to meet at his place. But 1 of the drivers for their carpool deviated by going to the rave 1st and telling them to meet him there. Everyone then flaked.

BRIAN: But at least I got laid.

This ugly girl that Brian was forced to go with during a double date ("take 1 for the team," as they put it) kept looking at him, which always prompted Brian's new girl Tu (I finally learned her name) to grab on him. The ugly girl was jealous and pissed.

RYAN: By the way, to ensure that I didn't break out (in acne) the way I usually do whenever thinking too much about an upcoming party with girls, I had to quit masturbating a couple weeks before Monster Massive. Didn't get to do it again until this weekend and - holy crap - I had no idea I could produce that much--
BRIAN: I know! That happens to me too! It was like a freakin' gallon, huh?

RYAN: Do you still talk to Ryan Perez?
BRIAN: Funny you should mention that. He's actually [goes into detail about Perez's life] blah, blah, blah--
RYAN: Anyway, I trained him back when we were working at Mann Theatre. We had this co-worker named Jennifer. She got him that job. The point is: Jennifer was my main database back then. I finally saw her again years later at the gym last week. I had a boner.

Went to church with my mommy. Got to play with the hand sanitizers the church just installed. Then spent the rest of the night at my mommy's sister's house.

A dream within a dream

So I passed out after mixing 2 shots of Jack Daniels with Pepsi, doing it a 2nd time, a straight shot of Jack Daniels, and finishing with 2 bottles of Warsteiner beer.

Whoa, I had a trippy dream last night: I woke up at Red Robin and saw that waitress Jazz (the 1 I like busting a #3 to). So because I woke up inside my dream, I believed that the dream was the real world. But then I left Red Robin to go to ... wait for it, wait for it ... the Great Gatsby's mansion! What the fuck? The Great Gatsby? Seriously? Yeah, I was really confused about where I was by the time I woke up in my bed in the real world.

I went to the gym to do calisthenics, but felt like shit. Probably all the alcohol from last night. Speaking of last night, Michelle texted me that some chick who went to my high school is apparently Carlos' pyscho ex. What a small world. Anyway, after doing pull-ups, I just did 1 set of each of the remaining exercises, drank my protein shake, and went home. It felt so wrong (like that lazy, annoying kid Emmanuel), but I felt like shit.

I treated myself to Taco Bell for the 1st time in months (I love how I can binge-eat again now that I'm done walking around with no shirt for Halloween). I watched the StrikeForce fights on CBS. I was supposed to watch it at Brandon's, but couldn't get a hold of him (after all, anything agreed on during a rave should be voided). Kevin texted me looking for something to do, but I had nothing.

Boom boom pow

Capoeira class was cancelled today because a server went down at Andres' work and he had to rebuild it (Andres works with computers).

Brian at the GNC and I were supposed to grapple today, but couldn't think of a meeting place.

I texted Edlin to greet her Happy Birthday. Edlin is DJ Rich's friend and the 3 of us raved together at Electric Daisy Carnival (EDC) last June. I used to bust a #3 to her for a long time after that. But even though she's officially not taken, she seems crazy about someone else, so I gave up on her. But every time she texted me back, I always got a boner. Anyway, she texted back:

thanks for the birthday wishes ryan!! im prob just gonna chill today! im very tired

And I was hard again.

Walked around the Red Robin to look at that waitress Jazz whom I like busting a #3 to. How ironic. This time, she was serving at the table that my mommy and I sat in last time we were there. But at that time, she was serving on the other side of the room. Darn it.

Off to Dave's to watch G.I. Joe on DVD with beer.

I'm looking at the Man in the Mirror

Today I went to the AMC 16 to pay for 1 movie at a student discount, using my old CSUN ID, and sneak into a bunch of others. I saw Michael Jackson: This is It at 2:15, Law Abiding Citizen at 4:35, Astro Boy at 6:45, and watched Michael Jackson: This is It again to kill time before Where the Wild Things Are at 10:20.

5 movies total (although 2 were the same movie). Total time at movies: 10 hours. Thank God for a bag full of food and drinks. BTW, Where the Wild Things Are felt like I was watching 1 bad acid trip.

Got a drunk text from Michelle. Yay. Also, Michael Jackson's lead guitarist - Orianthi Panagaris - is so in my database. Never seen a chick go crazy like that on the guitar. I think I had a boner.

Back to training

Today's Capoeira class: Andres, the 2 Jesses, Kevin, Louis, Diana, and I. Everyone shared what happened to them at Monster Massive last weekend when we got separated. We laughed at me tea-bagging chicks sitting on the floor. Then Diana had to leave to get her computer being fixed, but she had to take 'lil brother Louis with her to make sure "it gets done right."

For my own boring reference: 1st drill was a combo of armada (spin kick) and pisau (side kick). Then same drill, but replaced pisau with a pontera (front heel kick). Then lunge into a chapa (back heel kick) into a cabecada (headbutt). We started at point A and finished if we could kick our partner, holding the pad, past point B. 1st game was to mirror each other as follows: lunge, negative role (recovery), repeat, end with cartwheel. End of boring mental notes.

Then wished Andres good luck as he went to an interview to score a time slot at some Martial Arts studio so we can train indoors again. Later he texted us that they had him teach their Karate class even though he doesn't do Karate. WTF?

Tommy's Burger and Peter and the Sword of Mercy

I rocked that classical flamenco song Soleares at guitar practice.

FINALLY, I did what I swore I wouldn't do until after Halloween since I was trying to cut down on fat so that I could walk around with no shirt at Monster Massive: Ate a Tommy's chili cheese burger with chili cheese fries and a large rasperry nestea.

AND I finished Peter and the Sword of Mercy at Barnes and Noble. It's, like, what do I do with my life now?

How is it possibly Monday?

So while I was recovering from Monster Massive yesterday, I checked my Facebook and saw a comment from Michelle that said:

You tap Jazz(y) yet? What's the hold up man. You're letting your rep suffer! Stop it right now!
Here's what you do...
Walk up to her and say "I've been to the gym every day for the last 6 months and I'm still missing something in my arms"
and when she says "what are you missing?"
You say "YOU"
then stand back and count how... many seconds it takes for her to need to change her panties.
LMAO.

My mommy and I ate at Red Robin later that night. Bad news: Jazz wasn't our waitress. Good news: I got to look at her anyway.

BTW, our waiter was some new guy named Matthew who was probably the hardest working waiter I've seen.

When we were leaving, I saw Jazz from the corner of my eye pass by behind me. I turned to look. She looked back. We made eye contact for a second. But staring is rude, so I looked away. It had nothing to do with wussing out, I swear. But got 1 second of mental masturbation. Next time. I went to Barnes and Noble to read more of Peter and the Sword of Mercy for the rest of the night.

Today was Monday. I did jack shit. Actually skipped Capoeira practice. Ate at Thai BBQ. It was the Halloween store's final day open with everything 50% off. I got 2 life-size cardboard cutouts of Bella Swan and James from Twilight for the total of $35.

Read more of Peter and the Sword of Mercy. Almost done.

Monster Massive (the day after)

(No, this wasn't actually posted on Sunday. But for the sake of having 1 entry each day and not falling behind ...)

So what happened last night when I went to the annual Halloween rave - Monster Massive - with my Capoeira group?

• Even after all of our teacher Andres' "I don't do drugs" speeches, he had Kevin bake him a special brownie.
• Ian dressed up in nothing but underwear, a cape, and a Scream mask.
• Andres surrounded by hot chicks at the ATM only for Ian - again, in nothing but underwear, cape, and mask - to embrace him in a guy-on-guy sort of way in front of said chicks.
• Ian - in his underwear, cape, and mask - humping the windows of cars stopped in traffic.
• Jesse I in his Tarzan costume (nothing but jungle underwear) and I (in nothing but shorts) walking around downtown L.A. with black chicks hollering at us.
• Andres' special brownie finally kicking in.

ANDRES: (stumbling, trying to close the door) Whooooooooa shiiiiiiiit ..."
JESSE II: Do you have the keys?
ANDRES: (on the floor) Yeah I have the (giggling hysterically) k-k-k-keys ..."

• Taking shots of vodka before going in (it was Ian's 1st shot).
• A MILF passing by and asking if she could do shots with us.
• Andres, still trippin', doing an au (cartwheel) into negative role (recovery) into a mococo (1-handed back handspring) before getting dizzy.
• Me buying the 20-year-old Jesse I's drink for him.

RYAN (me): What's the strongest shot I can get for $10?

JESSE I: (a few minutes later) Whoa, I've NEVER had a shot this strong!
JESSE I: (another few minutes later) I am sooo fuuucked up!
JESSE I: (another few minutes later) I'm fuuucked up. I'm gonna go walk around.



The Capoeira pack!

Left to Right:

• Ryan (me, as Twilight's werewolf Jacob Black, complete with wolfpack tattoo),
• Ian (the guy who wore nothing but underwear, cape, and Scream mask),
• Kevin (borrowed someone's U.S. Marine pants),
• Jesse I (the I is Roman Numeral for 1; as Tarzan),
• Andres (the teacher, but no costume),
• and Jesse II (the II is Roman numeral for 2; as a street fighter).

Then Kevin and I went off to do the real raver shit. Met up with Brandon (a fellow PWG fan) and his friends. Then went to meet with Danny, former So-Cal wrestler King Fuji.



Kevin and I with Danny/King Fuji.



Someone from high school always finds me at these things. This time, it was Geoff. Haven't seen Geoff since Shannon's funeral not too long ago. We talked about how these stories (rave-related, for example) were going on about me among our former high school teachers.



Full circle. At last year's Monster Massive, Sassoon - the son of my 1st Martial Arts teacher - found me. This year, he found me again. I told him I went to visit like I said, but he wasn't there. He says he teaches Monday through Friday, 6:30PM - 9:30PM.

Then Kevin disappeared. Fuck. His phone was the only 1 between the 2 of us that was actually working. So I didn't find out until after the rave that the rest of the Capoeira group had been in the van for an hour, unable to get a hold of me. So embarrassing.

Andres drove. Got lost on the way home. Jesse II took over while Andres passed out. Got home when the sun was coming up. Slept.

Fixed my mommy's bucket that I shattered the day before with the waterproof cement. Caught the end of Church. My mommy and I ate dinner at Red Robin. That's a story for another time. I'm fuckin' tired.