Halloween 2010

Right before I left Chris and Heather's hotel room last night (or technically early this morning), Arlene just HAD to inadvertently be a buzzkill for the entire party ...

ARLENE: (At Chris) Can you promise not to get mad if I say something?
BRIAN/DOUG: You do not begin a conversation with that!
ARLENE: Well, two months ago, you were a total asshole at work.
HEATHER: Yeah, there's a reason for that!
MARELIS: You have no idea what you just opened up.

What a way to end the night.

I overslept and caught the last few minutes of church. I wore my "Just Give Me The Damn Candy" shirt and trick-or-treated at the mall. Jazz wasn't working. Boo. At least Georgia at Hot Topic was there. Yay. But I wasn't even inside Hot Topic when that now-annoying (but not ugly) new employee found me - I guess she was on break - with a giddy demeanor like she knows me ...

NEW CHICK: Why are you here everyday?
RYAN: I'm not here everyday.
NEW CHICK: You were here yesterday!
RYAN: Well, I was Halloween shopping ... because I was partying last night ... and now I'm getting candy.
NEW CHICK: So you came to the mall to trick-or-treat?!

Jessica wasn't working at the Halloween store. Boo. I hung out with Nataly at Coffee Bean on the other side of the Americana that I never go to, worth noting since I'm never at that part.

Mommy and I ate dinner at Cheesecake Factory. I got a seasonal pumpkin pecan cheesecake, assuming that it would be gone after Halloween today.

Sex (almost) with clothes on without intercourse and on the dance floor

I was supposed to be a half-naked Gladiator for Halloween, but nooo ... The forecast for tonight's weather just HAD to be cold.

I drove to Costa Mesa where Chris and Heather were staying at a hotel. There was some kind of OC Halloween party. Chris bought me a ticket. How the heck can I ever repay him? I found Chris on the sidewalk, he got into my car, and rocked out to Kelly Clarkson on the way to the liquor store as we talked about chicks I bust a #3 to.

Tonight's group: Mark, Erica, Marelis, Brian (a.k.a. Doug), Heather, Judy, Lauren, and Rendy. New people: Rendy's "date" Jose, Chris' coworker Arlene, and Arlene's friend Jaqueline.

Heather gave Doug and I some of her medications. Doug and I split one and said, "Cheers."

RYAN: [Accidentally spilling mine all over my pants] Oh shit.
DOUG: Are you kidding me?!
RYAN: I got it, I got it. [Sucking it all off of my pants.]

From then on, Arlene's "nickname" for me was - not really a name, but - the motion of licking off my pants.

And the bad luck of trying to see Speaker Junkies (a band that Chris produces for) continues. Back in Spring Break in Miami 2007 when we were supposed to watch them perform, someone in our entourage got the cops called on us. It was the last time I outran the cops in a foot chase. Tonight, the Speaker Junkies equipment wasn't working despite a successful sound check. Chris speculates they were sabotaged. Boo.

Some tall, brown haired chick just came up to me with some gibberish about how I'm hot and started grinding up on me. Heather and Rendy were witnesses. Heather cheered me on. Immediately after chick left, I updated my Facebook status:

Random pretty hot chick just started grinding up on me ... I have a boner.

HEATHER: Of course ...

Well, Arlene had been flirting with me all night. And when the rest of the group wanted to go back to the hotel, Arlene and Jaqueline wanted to stay and asked me to stay with them. So I danced with Arlene the whole night, hoped she didn't notice I had a boner when she got too close, blah, blah, blah. And then the text messages from an overprotective Chris:

CHRIS: (3:07:05 AM) Ryan you know how to get back right?
CHRIS: (3:31:46 AM) Dude you guts still there?
CHRIS: (3:42:31 AM) Talk to me man!
CHRIS: (3:44:23 AM) Dude
CHRIS: (3:45:45 AM) Hello?
RYAN: (3:46:29 AM) We're walking back now.
CHRIS: (3:46:52 AM) Oh thank God !

Arlene mentioned she noticed that I was "white-girl hunting." She and Jaqueline also said that should I ever try 4lokos, I should try it with them and they'll "take care of [me]." We were greeted with applause by everyone (except Mark and Erica who were asleep) when we got back.

HEATHER: We had doubts that you would bring them back. (Referring to Spring Break in Miami 2007 when I went the wrong direction for 30 streets, despite the streets being numbered, while under the influence of Heather's medications.)

JOSE: (Pointing at me) This guy was pimping with me!

Oh yeah, I don't recommend that Jose ever try E. He was sober and yet danced as if he was on drugs nonstop. He had me tag along with him to get chicks. Apparently, this left Rendy angry as it was supposedly OK for her to flirt with every chick, but she flipped out whenever a chick was hitting up her "date."

Tonight's Smallville ended with Lois and Clark having sex

Did my 15th day of my current regiment at the gym. Couldn't finish because I had to go to guitar practice, so I had to come back later. At guitar practice, Vahik greeted me with ...

VAHIK: I'm not drunk. My eyes just hurt.

His contact lenses were giving him problems.

1-hour-and-fifty minutes before an all new Smallville, I commented on Tiwat's Facebook:

Ooh, gotta visit the mall to stare at the girl I masturbate to. I'll try to make it back in time for Smallville. Hold down the fort for me.

He replied:

Will do, sir.

Jazz wasn't working, though. Darn it. But Jessica was working at the Halloween store. Yay database. And Georgia was working at Hot Topic. Score. But then the new Hot Topic employee from last Wednesday (see entry 10/27/10) was there and I think she's on to me ...

CHICK: Are you here everyday?
RYAN: No.
CHICK: But I saw you yesterday.
RYAN: I wasn't here yesterday.
CHICK: I was commenting on your eyes!
RYAN: That wasn't yesterday.
CHICK: OK, two days ago!

Made it back in time for Smallville with three minutes to spare!

Went to the gym to finish my workout from the morning. I saw Iam and Victor for the first time since last September (see entry 9/6/10). I revealed to them that Dad died during the last time I worked out with them, but I just didn't feel like saying anything to draw attention to myself. Since then, Victor got hit by a car while he was on his bike.

Then I went home and busted a #3 to two old acquaintances that I randomly remembered, both of whom are named Rebekah and are white with long hair. What a coincidence.

Living Trust

I was going to return to my Thursday movie-hopping routine today at the AMC, but my mommy wanted me to tag along with her to confirm her will with the attorney.

So I killed some time by walking around the mall, not expecting anything. Jessica was working at the Halloween store. She's been great in the database lately.

But then Jazz was working at the Red Robin. I don't remember her ever working a shift during the day on Thursdays. I guess now I know when to walk by. Her bangs that naturally fall to the left were clipped to the right. That deserved several quick victory yoinks down my pants as I looked around to make sure no one saw.

At the attorney's office:

• I found out that I'm inheriting a lot.
• I was able to write the asshole Uncle Lando out of certain parts of the will.
• The attorney says the law field is progressive enough that I don't have to cut my hair. (For example, Imelda Marcos' male attorney has a ponytail.)
• Mental note: Brookside's Dark Chocolate-covered Acai blueberries are addictive. Buy some.

My mommy and I ate dinner at the Jewel City Diner in the Americana.

Ain't Nothin' 'Bout You

I did my 14th day of my current regiment at the gym. Gosh, this Cellucor's M5 creatine really doesn't fix my attention difficiency while working out. But at least I can lift heavier.

There's some new chick working at Hot Topic dressed up in some kind of princess outfit since it's the Halloween season. She's not the type I'd put in my database, but the type I'd end up banging anyway only with the aid of beer goggles. But she does have long, reddish brown hair.

CHICK: Are you wearing contacts?
RYAN: Clear ones.
CHICK: Those are your real eyes?
RYAN: Yeah.

Quiz/Riddle: One of those two is true. The other's a fib. Hint: She didn't specify between "eyes" and "eye color."

Jessica was working at the Halloween store. I just noticed she has a tattoo behind her right ear.

I ended the night with the usual Wednesday night Ultimate Fighter. Oh, and this is my workout song this week, Tayor Swift's cover of Brooks & Dunn's Ain't Nothin' 'Bout You:

Because there's nothing to do on Tuesdays

I did cardio at the gym.

XNXX is finally working again! It's been down since I got back from the Philippines. I watched some Bailey Brooks videos before busting a #3 to Jenn Seven.

Jessica was working at the Halloween store and apparently had a pretentious attempt at trying to curl her hair. There was some customer in a black top and booty shorts and a less then pretentious - but ridiculous nonetheless - attempt at trying to curl her dark brown hair. Her face, with a nose piercing, was all right. But it's her meaty, yet not obese, thighs that got her in my database.

None of the substitutes [for Jazz] in my database were working at Hot Topic. But there was this Latina customer with a cute face, dark hair and simple white jeans and a shirt. I had to stare at her for a long time to make sure she was in my database as my memory requires longer uploading for someone new.

I saw Johnny, who used to be a regular at GNC back when Brian (hence, formerly "Brian at the GNC") used to work there, by happenstance for the first time since March.

RYAN: I got everything I need in my database. Now I gotta get some studying done.
JOHNNY: Right.

While studying a little at Barnes & Noble, there was this white chick sitting in one of the comfy chairs. She had shoulder length, natural blond (as opposed to bottle blond) hair, a pink top, and a pink laptop to match. She might've looked only 17, though. Oh well, she's in my database.

I went home for the only interesting thing about Tuesdays: A new episode of Glee.

Can't believe pornstar Jenn Seven only has one video

Did my 13th day of my current regiment at the gym.

I rocked at an extra guitar practice to make up for the lost time while I was in the Philippines for dad's funeral.

Busted a #3 to Judy's roommate Rendy from last Saturday just to get her out of my system.

I still can't believe pornstar Jenn Seven only has one video. Boo.

And of course Monday ends with the usual WWE RAW.

Oh what a glorious Sunday for the database!

I saw Jazz was working while passing by the Red Robin. Reached down my pants for a quick, subtle victory yoink.

At Hot Topic, Georgia - the substitute in my database whenever Jazz isn't around - was on duty, but didn't have to be since Jazz was around. Georgia's coworker, Leah - who in turn is the substitute if Georgia also isn't around - was present as well. And walking through the Halloween store, that chick Jessica was also there.

Nataly, again technically my first Martial Arts student, found me at the mall. She showed me the photo department where she works at in JC Penny. My mommy and I had dinner at Cheesecake Factory. I've been liking their Cajun Jumbalaya lately.

Heather and Chris' place for UFC 121 because, except for DJ Z-Trip, Monster Massive sucks this year

I did my 12th day at the gym. Then I headed to Heather and Chris' place in Anaheim to watch the UFC 121 PPV, or their "The Lineup At Monster Massive Sucks This Year So We're Having Our Own Party" shindig as Heather dubbed it. My mommy told me to bring them fruit salad.

• Heather was in a Marie Antoinette costume. Chris had some creepy costume. Jared was a human whoopie cushion. Tim was in "white guy trying to act black" getup. Other guests included Marelis, her boyfriend Brian (or Doug as he's nicknamed, which helps differentiate him from other Brians I know) and other grownups.
• Heather told me the night before that I can bring my Oktoberfest mug and fill it up there. She even bought Sam Adams Oktoberfest beer because she remembered Sam Adams seasonal beers are my favorite.
• Jared, who again is a Brazilian Jujitsu instructor, taught me the X-guard and Z-guard, both of which I've never heard of before.
• Judy and her roommate Rendy came, both of them wearing some kind of sporty getup.
• The running gag of me freaking Heather out by crushing on her older sister (38 years old) continued ...

HEATHER: Ryan likes porn, but I'm trying to get him to stick to appropriate porn [not high school chicks].
RYAN: How's your sister?
HEATHER: [Rolls eyes.] He likes my sister.
SOME GROWNUP: Which one?
HEATHER: Naomi. Um, she's fine. We're trying to get my mom to move in with her, not me. And she's busy getting a divorce.
RYAN: Tell her I said, "Hi!"
HEATHER: [Laughs.] I will.

• It seems Lauren and Judy are back together. (Yes, they're both girls.)
• Jared privately disclosed that he's a Republican and doesn't like lesbians, which led to him getting pissed off when Judy said Rendy could kick his ass, which led to him challenging Rendy to a Jujitsu match and making her tap out!
• Doug proposed the idea that we all do shots in honor of my dad. We used Jameson whiskey.

HEATHER: (With her hand on Judy's bra) Ok, everybody except for Lauren and Chris close your eyes.

Before I could cluelessly ask why, I was already seeing Judy's nipple.

HEATHER: Judy doesn't cuddle with me anymore because Rendy stole her. Ryan, will you replace Judy as my cuddle buddy?
RYAN: [Sigh.] Fine.
HEATHER: (Sarcastically) I love your enthusiasm.
RYAN: Would your sister join us?
HEATHER: [Sigh.]

While we were all in the jacuzzi, Rendy stayed in the kitchen because she was buzzed (and obviously not used to drinking). Jared decided to keep her company. Uh oh. This worried Heather.

LAUREN: Don't worry, she won't go for him.
HEATHER: She's drunk!

Judy then went to interfere.

RYAN: I'll go with [Judy] for backup.
HEATHER: Backup ... Riiight. Ryan just likes staring at Rendy's ass!

As soon as Judy and I got back to the jacuzzi, everyone was getting out ...

CHRIS: What the fuck? Where's everyone going?
RYAN: I'm still here! I'm loyal!
HEATHER: Loyal to Rendy's ass!

I got home. Fired up the porn. There was a new Jessica Carrboro video where her boyfriend, instead of finishing on her face as usual, finished inside her for a change! Sweet!

Redlight

I woke up from a dream that I was saving my grade school classmate Laura from a gang rape attempt. What weird is that the setting looked like Uncle Bobby's backyard. I wonder what Laura's up to these days in real life.

I skipped the gym in the morning and played my guitar until I had a calous on the tip of my thumb. I fired up the porn until I had to go to guitar practice.

I went around the Red Robin, but I guess Jazz was either working the day shift or not working today. I rushed by Hot Topic and saw that Georgia, the substitute for Jazz in my database, was working and bobbing her head to that one song by Akon featuring David Guetta. That's cool because the body mechanics of head bobbing are also used in oral sex and now I got Georgia's body mechanics stored in my database.

I went to the Halloween store to see that chick Jessica from last week, the one who was obsessingly like, "Are you finding everything OK? My name's Jessica," "If you need anything, my name's Jessica," and "Blah, blah, blah, my name's Jessica" (see entry 10/15/10). So I was screaming "Jessica" while busting a #3 to her last Monday (see entry 10/18/10). BUT tonight I walked around her a few times and, despite looking hot, she actually didn't even notice me! I mean, I understand they were busy, but I looked hot for God's sake!

DUDE: Is it OK if we take a picture with these [Chewbacca and Darth Vader cardboard cutouts]?
RYAN: I don't work here.
DUDE: Oh, whoops. You look like you do. That's a nice shirt. (Referring to my Just Give Me The Damn Candy shirt.) Your hair's cool too!

I love it whenever I can make a straight guy compliment my hair. (I'm assuming he's straight because I'm assuming the chick he was with is his girlfriend.)

I ended the night with a new episode of Smallville, found a new porn series called Redlight Sex Trips while watching Max Payne on HBO, busted a #3 to that chick at Barnes & Noble last night (see entry 10/21/10), and then busted a #3 to Jessica in an anger masturbation (you know, as opposed to anger sex) sort of way for not noticing me earlier.

Finally, I decided to do a periodic check of my endurance. On one hand, I was happy with the results. But on the other hand, everyone knows you automatically last longer if you had just previously busted a #3, so I kind of felt cheated.

And then cleavage attracted my attention

I had a three dreams last night:

First, I was Batman. I was riding in the Batmobile through alleys and swinging across building with the grappling gun. My biggest challenge was a villain that tried to shake my hand with a cigarette, which I was able to withstand, and I tee'd off on all his vital points ... But even after repeated kicks to the groin, he taunted at first, "That doesn't work on me." But eventually I killed him.

Second, I was driving that Americana trolley. It was hard keeping it straight. But when I couldn't drive it uphill under a bridge, I gave up.

Third, I had to think of an excuse to get away from my mommy so that I could meet up with this chick Nicky to have sex. In real life, Richard once showed me a pic on his phone of Nicky's tits. (See entry 3/17/10.) So I was rushing through the neighborhood - ala American Pie - to meet up with Nicky ... But woke up before I could reach the destination. Boo.

End dreams.

I did my 11th day at the gym. There's nothing on TV on Thursday nights, so I had a quiet evening studying at Barnes & Nobles. Some asian dude who barely spoke English didn't want anyone sitting next to him because he was looking at naked pics of chicks.

And then cleavage attracted my attention. There was this white chick sitting by herself. Reddish brown hair in a high, short ponytail. Not sure if her jacket was real leather or pleather. Jeans torn to be bellbottoms and dark sneakers. She's in my database.

"You got choked unconscious."

I did cardio in the gym.

Today was Jessica Carrboro day in terms of firing up the porn. Busted a #3 to pornstar Carrboro.

After studying a little at Barnes & Noble, I came home for some Ultimate Fighter on Spike TV. One of the contestants is a guy named Sevak Magakian who goes to my gym. He got choked unconscious on tonight's episode. Now everytime I see him, I'll be thinking You got choked unconscious. Ha.

Common denominator: Tits and ass

I did my 10th day of my current weight lifting regiment.

I found out that the name of this one porn star that I've been trying to figure out for the longest time is Bailey Brooks. Also, another anonymous one that I first saw last year is Jenn Seven. I fired up the porn and busted a #3 to Brooks and Amber Rayne.

I watched Dear John starring Channing Tatum and Amanda Seyfried on good ol' HBO. What do they have in common? I first saw Tatum in an indy film that had nudity and softcore sex. I first saw Seyfried in Alpha Dog where she and a bunch of other chicks were topless. The common denominator is tits and ass.

Then I caught an all new episode of Eastbound and Down, which meant more tits and ass. Oh, and tonight's Glee was a rerun.

Happy Birthday to Michelle in Nebraska.

And ending the night on some wonderful news:

Studies show that men in their 20s who ejaculate five of more times a week reduced their risk of prostrate cancer by a third, and older men reporting 21 or more ejaculations per month lowered their risk as well.

--Health and Beauty Benefits of Sex

YAY!

Helen

I started my morning with some cardio at the gym. And FINALLY, since I've been waiting until after my dad's 40th day death anniversary (since it's believed that one wanders the earth for 40 days before ascending to Heaven and since I didn't want my dad's ghost watching me bust a #3) with the only exception of busting a #3 to Sam on the plane ride coming back (see entry 9/28/10), I busted a #3 to that random chick Karen from Rubio's (10/14/10), that blond from the LSAT seminar(10/14/10), that Halloween employee Jessica (10/15/10), and that stripper Sandra (10/8/10).

I went to an extra guitar practice to make up for the time that I lost while I was overseas for dad's funeral. Vahik had bought me an extra coffee from McDonald's. For the first time, I started playing the harmony of previous songs at higher octaves. It was difficult and that's when Vahik, in his broken English, made it known he thought of me as his sidekick ...

VAHIK: I know it's hard because you lost something and you're my sidekick blah blah blah ...

Actually, it was hard because it's new. But I thought it was funny that 1) he thought of me as his sidekick and 2) his English is broken despite having lived in England for some time. He even offered me $2 when I went overtime (only the first 90 minutes being free in the parking lot). Man, he gives great condolences. Good thing too as the parking attendant's machines were down and had to do everything manually, causing traffic in the parking lot.

I went to the Halloween store and surprisingly saw my old co-worker, Helen, from Mann Theatre back in 2005. Rewind: When our chief of staff, Nancy (who was a jackoffable geek chick), first introduced me to Helen, instead of shaking my hand Helen saw my "Papas & Beer" wrist tags from Rosarito, Mexico and jealously told me, "I hate you." But she was jackoffable and she even had a crush on me! Just too bad someone knocked her up that same year. Present day: Helen's bastard daughter is big now, but sadly Helen is no longer jackoffable. I can't even bust a #3 to her like I used to. Motherhood must've sucked for her.

After studying for the next LSAT at Barnes & Noble, I came home for some WWE RAW. And this segment with Bryan Danielson (who headed a pro-wrestling tryout that Matt and I failed miserably at back in 2004) was epic ...

If life was a RPG game, "Laundry Skill +1" would pop up above my head

You know what's awesome about Sundays? No time limit on parking on the sidewalk outside the gym. So I did the 9th day of my regiment and followed up with cardio.

As progress toward my journey to become a grownup that parallels that of Clark Kent in Smallville, I spent the afternoon in the laundromat and, after separating the whites from the colored (Who knew laundry had undertones of racism?), did laundry!

Then my mommy and I ate some Jack in the Crack. (Author's edit: I really did accidentally type "Crack" instead of "Box" without noticing until now.) Can't remember the last time I ate that. Mommy had to have her sister (a doctor) write a doctor's note for her with a fake excuse for missing work this week. Mommy finally goes back to work tomorrow.

Dad's last day on earth

I spent the whole day cleaning the house for relatives to come over at night for dad's 40th day death anniversary. (It's believed that one wanders the earth for 40 days before rising to Heaven.) Mommy's friend and accountant, Lena, came to help. But then mommy sent me to do groceries ... Yay free time!

Jazz was working at the Red Robin. I reached down my pants for a quick and subtle victory yoink as I passed by.

I bought some tapes at Best Buy for tonight's gig before going to Ralph's to pick up Jade colored roses, diet soda for the adults, ginger ale and Hawaiian Punch for the kids, and distilled water because it was cheaper than regular water.

The 5:30PM mass at church was being offered for dad. At home, the family started reciting a packet of prayers. Meanwhile, I had to skip out to record Paul and Martha's band's performance. Thank God since the family didn't know how to sing the hymns listed and eventually started arguing - during prayer, mind you - over how the rythm was supposed to go!

I drove to Woodland Hills, got lost for an hour before saying, "Fuck it," and drove to Tiwat's house to watch last night's 200th episode of Smallville that he recorded. Oh my God, I have never metaphorically ejaculated so many times over the greatness of an episode! The writers delivered! It had a "Ghost of Christmas past, present, and future" feel to it with Clark Kent (Tom Welling) time traveling all over the place to visit the source of his regrets and included scenes with his dad (John Schneider) who was killed off back in the 100th episode. I then realized, in a way, I am also Superman.

Awkward moment at a girly store

I took my M5 creatine and did my 8th day at the gym.

I finally returned to guitar practice. It seems the office didn't tell Vahik that I was in the Philippines until after a couple of weeks went by with him wondering where I was. He shared that his dad died at 85 years old and his mom at 53. Lots of new material today. I had no idea he knew the rift for Ozzy Osborne's Crazy Train. And now I'm practicing it.

I went to the beauty supply shop afterward, which resulted in the following awkward exchange ...

RYAN: I just need a huge clip to hold my hair while the conditioner sets in so I can multi-task around the house instead of staying in the shower.
CASHIER CHICK: Well, we have this one [shows a leopard skin design].
RYAN: No, black's good.
CASHIER CHICK: Oh, I don't know how fancy you wanna get with it--
RYAN: I'm not planning to go outside with this.
CASHIER CHICK: Blah, blah, blah ...
RYAN: Strictly for in-home purposes.
CASHIER CHICK: Riiight ...
[We do the transaction.]
CASHIER CHICK: Have fun with that, dear.

You know, she's not necessarily ugly. Maybe if I was high intoxicated and on beer goggles, I'd hit it only out of respect for her sass.

I passed through the Halloween store. Some white chick employee kept telling me that her name's Jessica in case I needed any help.

JESSICA: Well, if you need anything else, my name's--
RYAN: --Thanks, Jessica.
JESSICA: (Giddy) Yes!

Adorable. Perhaps I can hit that. She's in my database.

It was actually mommy's idea to eat dinner at Red Robin. Jazz wasn't working, so I suggested eating somewhere else. But for some unknown reason, mommy felt like eating at Red Robin. I tried this Mount Olympus Burger, one of those temporary burgers made by wannabe-chef contest winners. It had spinach artichoke dip in the burger. It was bomb.

I saw Nataly at the Americana. She was sort of my first Martial Arts student. I told her how I saw her pro-wrestler ex-boyfriend Evan Jelik perform over the summer. Jelik, who broke up with her, said that he couldn't be friends with her anymore because she "lived too far." Ha.

2 in the database - 1 with a name and the other with audio

My car was in the shop all morning and is absolutely fine after the engine was smoking yesterday.

I ate my dinner at Rubios. There was this chick there. Wavy blong hair that was reddish on the lower half. Face was aight. Kind of thick. Tummy was a bit pudgy, but not too bad. I overheard her tell the cashier her name's Karen. It's so nice when you can scream someone's name out while busting a #3 to them.

Then I walked across the street for a LSAT seminar since I'm thinking of retaking it. It wasn't crowded, yet some ethnically-ambiguous (possibly some type of middle Eastern) brunette sat next to me. She must like me. I suppose I can put her on the waiting list for my database.

But then there was this blond chick in a leather jacket, cute enough that I decided to make up some bullshit to talk to her afterward just so I can get her voice as audio in my database ...

RYAN: Hey, you look familiar. Where'd you go to school?
CHICK: I'm at UCLA. But I also did Moorpark.
RYAN: OK, school ain't it. But I think I've figured it out. You remind me of one of the characters from True Blood.
CHICK: Really? Which one?
RYAN: The were-panther (Lindsay Pulsipher as Crystal Norris). I was like, "Where have I seen her before?"
CHICK: Yeah, that [were-panther's] not me.

Score!

Then I texted Michelle in Nebraska to ask about her newly born baby Xavier.

The chick tried to tell the Dean that she found the Analytical Reasoning section as the easiest (after the Dean went on nonstop about how insane it was) because she's a Philosophy major. After she left, the Dean made fun of her for it!

"Chicks have wet dreams too."

I did my 7th day at the gym.

And then I noticed my car's engine was smoking when I got home.

I remembered how in my sociology class back in college, some chick said, "Girls have wet dreams too." After waking up from a nocturnal emission yesterday, I researched it. Apparently, chicks do. But since they don't ejaculate like males, they can actually not notice that they had a nocturnal emission. Interesting.

I finished the day with The Ultimate Fighter and cleaning my room.

It only took an hour-and-a-half for a nocturnal emission?

I went to bed at 2:00AM. I woke up an hour-and-a-half later at 3:30AM from a nocturnal emission. I'm not even sure who it was as I was thinking about different chicks right before I went to bed.

I did some cardio at the gym. My LSAT classmate Mike and his girlfriend left for China tonight. I think Mike's planning to be there for a year. Meanwhile, Michelle in Nebraska is in labor.

I can see why some prudes think Glee is starting to get smutty, not that I have a problem with that. Tonight's episode had a girl on girl scene (but with clothes on) between Brittany (Heather Morris)and Santana (Naya Rivera). Best. Musical. Ever.

In a perfect world/porn flick, opening doors should = bow chicka wow wow

I did my 6th day at the gym. Outside, a short bottle blond chick, with her hair tied back to expose tattoos behind her ears and rear shoulders, was lost. She couldn't find the gym entrance, so I had her follow me. She had just moved from Westlake Village, wherever that is. I opened the door for her. Points!

If only this was a porn flick, cheezy dialogue would've followed about how awesome it is that I open doors for chicks, the two flights of stairs are too hard for her to climb since she's kind of thick, so she'd have to use the elevator that at the moment was empty, and it being empty would've given her an idea leading to bow chicka wow wow.

But nooo. In this real life, her only show of gratitude was offering me to go in front of her in line.

I ended the night with WWE RAW.

10-10-10

My mommy and I went to Auntie Bella's house. We harvested persimmons from her backyard, ate at T.G.I. Friday's, I got an extra Jack Daniels pulled pork sandwich due to a coupon, and got a free flu shot in the house.

The difference a pitcher of Sam Adams Oktoberfest makes

I did my 5th day at the gym.

I picked up Matt to go to PWG. I got to talk to his dad for the first time in a while. He gave his condolences for my dad.

To make a depressing story short:

• I didn't ask, but I guess bartender Lisa and the Asian bartender don't work there anymore because I haven't seen them lately.
• The new bartenders are some bottle blond and a racially ambiguous brunette. The brunette's actually jackoffable, but I wasn't in the mood to put her in my database because ... well ... they're not the other bartenders.
• The chick who usually wears a flower on her ear and who sits in Sam's group wasn't there tonight.
• The chick that Chad and I both bust a #3 to wasn't there either.
• That reminds me: Chad didn't show up. I forgot to tell him I was back from the Philippines, so he assumed no one else in our group would be at PWG. Whoops.

But the good news is: They had Sam Adams Oktoberfest on tap!

There was this chick, Krystal, who was a valet in AWS and whom Caesar once mentioned that he's friends with. Caesar also said she banged half the locker room.

RYAN: Urgh ... If I ever had to bang her, it would only be anger sex to convey what I feel about her rep--
MATT: --Ok, we're not getting another pitcher [of beer]!

We headed to Norm's afterward.

RYAN: It feels so wrong leaving a PWG show without anyone in my database!
MATT: Well, you still got the subliminal signals from Sam.

That reminds me. I had a dream last Tuesday. Sam was in it. Platonically, though. Still, this continues the running gag of her trying to incept herself in my database. But I am not busting a #3 to her again damn it! On the airplane - in what Matt referred to as "a crappy mile high club" - was the last time! Because we're friends, thus it might start to feel weird.

Matt noticed this cute white chick arguing with her black boyfriend outside of Norm's. Later, that chick ate by herself while the waitress consoled her ... the whole time! Short version: Matt - wanting to be a hero and save her - and I faced off against the black boyfriend for "the holy white chick" (as Matt described her)!

Full circle: the strip club saga

I did only cardio at the gym. And I hate that Stair-Master, which I've only tried for the first time this week.

Jazz was working at the Red Robin. She was smiling when I was doing my reconnaissance. Ooh, I have just upgraded her as "Smiling Jazz" in my database.

I had to have Tiwat record Smallville for me because Steve wanted to leave early for the strip club, which we haven't been to since last year for his Birthday.

Recap of my history with Steve: His ex-girlfriend was a stripper named Reese. Reese had a younger sister named Raquel, who was also a stripper. Reese got so fed up of Raquel always third-wheeling them that she asked Steve, "Do you have any friends to keep her company?" And I was the fall guy. But it all ended when Steve broke up with Reese. And now, a new chapter of strip club related adventures ...

Some stripper, whose name I didn't get, hung out with Steve and I the whole night because she needed an excuse to avoid her stalker. She's our new friend. She filled us in on what goes down backstage (i.e. who's doing cocaine, who's a bitch, etc).

RYAN: (To stripper) Honestly, I just wanted to watch Smallville.

Strippers who actually propositioned us were named Taylor, Eva, Denise, Heidi, and Sandra.

A couple years ago, there was a stripper named Sandra who was stalking me. She was nice. Possibly Cuban. I think she became a dental assistant. But this Sandra tonight was different. She was a white chick with an ass like a black chick and with hair like Taylor Swift. She was the only one I put in my database.

I told Denise we were celebrating Steve's Birthday.

DENISE: How old are you?
STEVE: [Sigh.]
RYAN: [Laughs.]
DENISE: Getting up there, huh? Men get better with age.
STEVE: No, we don't.

Pornstar Shyla Stylez was supposed to perform the whole weekend, but got kicked out last night after trying to spit water into a guy's mouth, trying to get a guy to eat her out, fighting with the DJ, bitching at the strippers, being coked up, etc.

And then the start of potential drama: A stripper named Paris, whom Steve had the biggest crush on, came out of retirement. They began talking again. She also has a younger sister who just began as a stripper. They look so much alike that Steve can't even tell them apart. This saga with Steve might come full circle.

Kenny Powers is a Real American

It was my 4th day back at the gym. But I started the day with the latest episode of Eastbound and Down. I don't remember ever laughing so hard at such an epic entrance:

Wassup Rockers

I had a dream I was having sex in a way that it was more of a jujitsu match with - and this is kind of fucked up - my friend Patti. Oh well, it's not like we're the best of friends anyway.

My mommy and I had our dentist appointments today. I had perfect teeth as always.

We ate at somewhere new. Taylor's Steak House in Foothill. The host had Kelly Clarkson's speaking voice. (I'm curious if she could sing.) She was a white girl with dark, curly hair. She was shorter than me, but tall for a girl, like a cute girl should be. Too bad she had no name tag. I would've loved screaming out her name while busting a #3 to her.

I randomly decided to track down Larry Clark's 2006 film Wassup Rockers. The whole movie was actually on Youtube. There's this chick in it named Jessica Steinbaum. She's not famous and according to IMDB.com hasn't acted in two years. But she is the most jackoffable natural looking chick I've seen in a while. She was 16 when Wassup Rockers was filmed and she even has a scene where she's in her bra and panties. But she's 21 today, so she's in my database. I'm gonna have fun busting a #3 to her.

I ate leftovers of my prime rib and mashed potatoes with creamy horse radish from Taylor's Steak House. Yeah, the portions were so big that I had to take some home. I steamed my prime rib to heat it, a Chris Benoit joke that only Matt and I would get.

M5 and Grilled Cheesus

It was raining for the first time since I can remember. I was standing in the corner of Wilson and Broadway when I saw this blond chick at a stop light. She had a hoodie on even though she was in her car. A pretty face. That white girl's in my database.

I bought Cellucor's M5 creatine from GNC. (Gosh, it's not the same since Brian, formerly Brian at the GNC, doesn't work there anymore.) I went home and tried it out. At the gym, I was doing my 3rd day of my current regiment when it kicked in and gave me the weirdest buzz. I was getting so dizzy that I thought about returning the M5. But I was lifting more weight! Finally I got used to the buzz.

My new glasses and contacts came in. I had to return the contacts, though, because they were the wrong ones.

And then Glee aired their best - and arguably most controversial - episode yet entitled Grilled Cheesus in which the Glee characters struggle with theology and their views on God!

Procrastinating the day away

Plan today: Buy some Cellucor's M5 creatine from GNC and go to the gym.

Didn't happen.

Gosh, I was lazy today. I guess my highlight was watching WWE RAW.

Georgia + red lipstick - black eyeshadow = I'd hit it

Today would've been Turbo's 16th Birthday. Happy Birthday.

My mommy and I ate lunch at Elephant Bar. I changed it up. I had 1 lamb shank (instead of my usual 2), but with a side of macaroni and cheese, and raspberry lemonade.

I went to the Galleria Mall. Jazz wasn't working. I went to Hot Topic. Georgia looks pretty good in red lipstick, but she overdid it with the black eye shadow. And to think Georgia was a substitute in my database for Danielle, a former Hot Topic employee who in turn was a substitute in my database whenever Jazz wasn't working at Red Robin.

My mommy's sister came to visit. God I hate how her sister instigates a rant of how she's annoyed over which relatives are fat and blah, blah, blah.

I'm from Frankfurt

RYAN: I busted a #3 on the plane (see entry 9/28/10).
MATT: What a crappy mile high club.

I finally got back in touch with Matt.

RYAN: Just standing outside the Red Robin. Back to my old routine.
MATT: Oh yeah, I'm pissed Paul London took down his Youtube videos to sell them on DVD. The one you were in finally showed up. (See entry 8/20/10.)
RYAN: Did you show it to your dad?
MATT: Yeah, he got a kick out of it. And he got a kick out of it when I told him why you were there [standing outside the Red Robin].
RYAN: You told him that?!

Yes, Jazz was working the day shift, a shift that I've never seen her work on a Saturday. Jazz was renewed in my database. It's good to be back.

And for extra credit, I went to Hot Topic. Georgia, the substitute for my database whenever Jazz isn't working, was there as well. Oh what a wonderful day for the database!

Then Matt, Richard and I all hung out together for the first time since 8/1/09 (see entry 8/1/09) as we went to Oktoberfest in Alpine Village. The host came down from the stage and walked towards me as I held my 32 oz. Oktoberfest mug filled with 32 oz. of Oktoberfest beer.

HOST: (In a German accent) What is your name?
RYAN: Ryan.
HOST: Ryan, where are you from?
RYAN: Glendale.
HOST: Nein! (No!) Today, you are from Frankfurt!

And to make a long story short: I puked in the porto potties. Later, I woke up in Richard's house to Matt puking in Richard's bathroom. We went home at 4:00AM.

I miss dancing in the background during people's drama

I went to the gym and tried out the new finger-scanning check-in system. Holy technology, Batman! Then they closed the weight room from 1:00PM-1:30PM to fix their arrangment.

RYAN: I can't find the benchpress.
TAWNA (personal trainer): That's why we're moving everything. This is not working!

My last eye doctor's appointment was exactly 1 year ago. It was time for another round of dilated pupils. Then lunch at Zono Sushi before going to the mall where Teagle Optometry managed to make my Oakley glasses tighter so they don't fall off anymore.

I shampooed my hair for the first time since being back, washing away the Philippine smell. It's back to its American smell now.

Tonight's new episode of Smallville mentioned the word Superman (by Lois Lane) for the first time. And Clark Kent's new costume is a red leather jacket with the S on the front. I want that jacket.

I called Steve to wish him a Happy Birthday. As for Mark's Birthday party, it was at Big Wangs in Hollywood. I gave the best Birthday greeting by calling him from the Philippines last Tuesday. It was just Arthur, Mayra, Mark, and ... Erica? Last I heard, Mark and Erica broke up, but Mark now said they're "working on it." Erica seemed to be having a fit.

RYAN: The municipal office lowered the Philippine flag for my dad at the funeral. I don't know anything about flags, but apparently that's a big deal.
MARK: That's huge!

I finished Arthur's Adios Mother Fucker (AMF) for him because he was too wasted. At Arthur's place we discussed:

• Me dancing in the background during people's drama (i.e. Jordan from high school fighting with his girlfriend).
• Arthur and Mayra wanting to videotape me dancing in the background of people's drama to put it on Youtube and become famous.
• Arthur should greet his cousin Steve, "Happy Birthday" since they haven't talked in years.
• The chapter in my life involving Steve, his stripper ex-girlfriend, and his stripper ex-girlfriend's younger sister who's also a stripper.
• Arthur getting too wasted everytime we go out.
• Me busting a #3 on the airplane ride coming back to the U.S.