New Year's Eve (Time Traveling Part 1)

We tested out our fireworks. My 1st time lighting 1 up, I threw down the driveway ... but then it started rolling downhill toward us. Just my luck. We all took cover as it exploded. I love how buying fireworks is legal here unlike in the States where they're a pussy about it.

I saw High School Musical 3 for the 1st time today on the Disney channel. I saw it's sequel yesterday and the sequel to that the day before.

The sky will not stop blowing up. Every household has fireworks. For example, when I was filming outside, I didn't even have to turn on the nightvision on my camera. Continuous fireworks exploding provide the light.

PHILIP: (handing me a box) It's a cake. It's heavy. You should open it.

I opened the box ... and it's a 45 calibur gun! Or however the heck it's supposed to be pronounced. But basically a gun! Sweet!

We ate sashimi (that's sushi without the rice) and I drank San Miguel beer in front of my mommy and reveled how she couldn't do anything about it.

Since we're 14 hours ahead of the Philippines, I will be in 2010 for 14 hours while everyone else I know in other parts of the world will still be in 2009. Me in 2010 talking to anyone in 2009 is the closest we can get to Time Travel!

I'm in my $500 Salvatore Ferrogamo shoes from Rome, a.k.a. the pussy magnets. Time to step out into the battlefield now. That would be the streets already heavily littered with fireworks residue while more fireworks will be exploding.

Dad finds out I was a stuntman

I went to sleep at 3:00AM last night (or this morning) while everyone else was still out on an emergency mission: my dad's oxygen tank was running out of oxygen. The driver, Bernie, took my mommy and Malou around the neighborhood to ask around if anybody had an oxygen tank or had any leads. Philip and Bong then went into the heart of Manila to do the same.

When I woke up this morning, they shared a funny story about how Bernie, Malou and my mommy saw prostitutes patrolling around Philip's office building. It was funny because they weren't pretty.

The 1-eyed maid, Linda, finally got to wash my clothes after many dayd of me procrastinating to give her my laundry. I finally publicly debuted my Harry Potter/Gryffindor tanktop and my Twilight shirt here in the Philippines.

I saw High School Musical 2 for the 1st time on TV. Either it wasn't as gay as it's prequel, which I only saw yesterday, or I might be starting to get used to it.

My mommy told my dad for the 1st time about how I worked as a stuntman, a topic that always makes my mommy hysterical and prompts her "You're my only son!" speech at me.

DAD: Did they punch you and stuff?

The light bulb in the bathroom is acting up. We ate at some restaurant where I had sweet and sour pork, fish filet, garlic spinach, lechon, crab and seafood omelette, buko pandan, and some tropical juice. Then did some grocery shopping.

Red wine

I caught the animated Gotham Knight on TV again. Later I watched High School Musical for the 1st time to see what allt he fuss was about. It was pretty gay.

Philip and I opened a bottle of red wine. I will always be a beer person, but supposedly red wine is actually healthy for you. Therefore, to me red wine is just something that needs to be done, like green tea.

Philip told me how his office operates. They're kind of above the law sometimes. Meanwhile, some scary comedy Filipino movie was on the TV, featuring the urban-mythical "white lady." The discussion turned to Filipino folktales.

Batman overdose

I had insomnia last night. The clock read 3:40AM last time I checked it, which meant I had tossed and turned for 1 hour and 40 minutes since going to bed at 2:00AM. I forgot to say after watching Cadet Kelly last night, it was followed by Waverly Place. It's a total rip off of Harry Potter.

I watched The Dark Knight again, immediately followed by the animated Gotham Knight, which is an anthology that bridges Batman Begins to its sequel The Dark Knight. The family was trying to call me to join them for breakfast in the kitchen, but I had to decline as Gotham Knight was too good. Then it was followed by The Dark Knight again. Philip walked in, admitted he's never seen it, and activated the surround sound for the 1st time. But then he had to go to the market and my mommy came in and continued watching.

Sometimes I hear Bong singing in the background. He can actually sing.

I finished my leftovers from Shakey's last night for breakfast and then dinner. There was also some fresh chicken adobo. Also for dinner, I ate my dinoguan (blood pudding), which Philip bought for me last night.

Philip and I went for a walk to the bank. On the way, he showed me a "gym" he found nearby. It's literally a small hole in the wall (or a box in the wall if you want to be technical). It's open 24 hours, but I think only so that someone can guard it at all times since there doesn't seem to be a 4th wall, much less a door. It only cost 50 cents per workout.

Auntie Aida and Uncle Mon visited. They're driving to Gerona all day tomorrow. They were inviting us to come. I actually wanted to see the hick town and the surrounding jungle just to take video of it. But my mommy didn't want to and then I didn't feel like going.

Philip and I then lit some fireworks in the middle of the street. And then lit some more fireworks.

I watched Terminator: the Sarah Connor Chronicles. It's a rerun to me, but apparently all new to these people here. Step Up 2: The Streets was also on, so I was flipping channels.

This lizard just ran past me. It is so camouflaged that its practically invisible. Now that's skill.

A hole in the Gun Show

Some good movies on TV today. I watched The Dark Knight and Twilight.

Babes was given a bath. The 1-eyed-maid, Linda, went back home today. The broken flooring in the kitchen was finally replaced from when they had to drain the septic tank. Dad's sleeping in the kids' Play Room because it doesn't require stairs and it's air conditioned.

A cat showed up at the driveway. I remember they used to have a cat that moved in here years ago, but mysteriously vanished.

RYAN: I think this cat wants to move in.
PHILIP: No, we will not let her. Pochi (the big dog in the backyard) will get mad.

I felt like I was going to throw up at the thought of going to church again. I've been pretty burned out since having to sit in church for an hour before it started each time both times this past week. I put my foot down on it that I wouldn't go if my mommy couldn't get anyone else to go. My mommy actually wanted to fight me about it. Whenever she tries to force religion on me at an "overkill" level, I feel like those innocent victims throughout history who were massacred when given the ultimatum to "convert or die." But my mommy's lucky that everyone decided to go just to shut her up. If not, I would've never lost the fight to stay home and chill.

I wore my shirt that says, "Got your tickets? To the Gun Show!" (some people associate me with that shirt). My mommy pointed out it has a hole now under the right armpit. She tried to get me to change into another shirt for church. I kept it on just to spite her.

They actually hold church services inside the mall. But Philip bought me a mudpie ice cream, so I had an excuse to stay outside for a while and eat. During the part of the mass where they ring those tiny bells for whatever reason, Samantha screamed, "Ice cream!" Haha.

We ate at Shakey's Pizza for dinner. I had the same thing as last time - a belly buster pizza with bottomless iced tea. Michael Jackson's Smooth Criminal was playing on the van radio. The driver, Bernie, changed the station and I went ballistic until he changed it back to the King of Pop.

PHILIP: Is it true that Michael Jackson wrote Billie Jean?
RYAN: That's supposed to be common knowledge.

I watched Cadet Kelly again starring Hillary Duff on the Disney Channel. Guilty pleasure. I guess I just like the military dance battle.

Happy Birthday Mommy

Today is my mommy's Birthday.

The sci-fi channel was airing a Legend of the Seeker "catch-up marathon" all day. I never really watched this show in the States, but it's kind of cool.

MALOU: Are you almost done eating?
RYAN: Almost.
MALOU: When you're done, can you help them carry the oxygen tank because you're the 1 with the muscles?
RYAN: Ok.

But then I heard my mommy screaming for me. Dad was supposed to be released from the hospital yesterday, but couldn't because we needed an oxygen tank for him at the house just in case. I casually walked over to 1 of the extra bedrooms where Philip, Bernie and my mommy had carried the oxygen tank.

MOMMY: Why weren't you moving?! Philip has back problems! You're supposed to be carrying this! Blah, blah, blah ...
RYAN: Oooh. They just asked me if I was done eating. They didn't tell me to do this now.
MALOU: I thought it was embarassing to rush him.

Then I went back to the Legend of the Seeker "catch-up marathon." Mommy left to visit dad in the hospital.

Philip later invited me to go to the hospital with him to pick everybody up. I got ready really slowly as I was watching the Legend of the Seeker "catch-up marathon."

RYAN: (pointing the video camera at him) Dad, did you know it's mommy's Birthday?
NURSE: (at my mom) Oh, Happy Birthday!
MOMMY: (whispering) Why do you keep broadcasting it's my Birthday? I'm gonna have to feed everyone!

The nurses changed dad's bandages. I coached him through his inhalation exercises. I got him to do 10 reps (he couldn't do more than 3 reps last time). But he laughed sarcastically at the midpoint when I barked at him, "5 more!" AND immediately afterward, I got him to sing "Happy Birthday" to mommy.

We took him home. Then I went back to watching the Legend of the Seeker "catch-up marathon." Then Uncle Mon and Auntie Aida came over for dinner. We ordered the same stuff we ate last night, but took it home. I reminded Uncle Mon about more motorcycle riding lessons in the future. Then went back to watching the Legend of the Seeker "catch-up marathon."

Now I'm blogging while everyone's asleep, but I have to get back to watching the Legend of the Seeker "catch-up marathon."

Merry Christmas

Yay! Presents!

I acted "surprised" like I said I would when Philip handed me my present, which he and Malou bought yesterday with my approval while I was with them. But it was addressed as from my nieces Samantha and Maxine. My mommy opened her present "from me," or which Philip and Malou bought for me to give to her. She liked it.

I finally debuted my Rascal Flatts shirt today! We went to church. We were late. We arrived when it was ending. So we were forced to sit and wait for the next mass. Philip confirmed with a security guard whether or not there would be another mass.

PHILIP: Is there another mass?
SECURITY GUARD: Yeah. 11:30.
RYAN: We don't have to tell them.
PHILIP: [gives me the "Are you serious?" look]

I caught Philip sleeping during church and recorded it with my video camera.

PHILIP: I was ... praying solemnly ... with my eyes closed ...
RYAN: [gives him the "Are you serious?" look]

We visited my dad at the hospital. I went home with Philip, Malou and Lola Ellie while we left the other "oldies" at the hospital to stay with dad. I slept for 2 hours.

I woke up and flipped through the channels and found a cool show called The Doctors. Apparently, gene testing is possible to determine whether or not you and your mate are compatible, and how compatible. It's like a scientific explanation for how the werewolves in Twilight can find their perfect mates, a process they call imprinting.

We went back to the hospital. I drank my bottle of C2 Green Tea Apple Flavor. It was bomb. We went out to eat at some restaurant. I found an ant in my quail egg soup. They replaced all our soups. I stuffed myself with sweet and sour pork, shrimps, chicken, siomai, tea, and endless refills of iced tea.

While my mommy bought something at the market, we waited outside where people were selling bootleg DVDs. We bought 1 of that new movie called Avatar. We tested it out in Philip's DVD player in his car (he's living large). It was a really clear bootleg! We also tried a bootleg of Ninja Assassin, but the fools illegally recording it in the theater had their camera crooked, so that was a no go.

On the way back to the hospital, a street was blocked.

PHILIP: It seems they blocked a street. They're having a party.
RYAN: Do they have a permit?
PHILIP: No.
RYAN: Can we fine them? (Remember, Philip's the district attorney who's trigger happy at fining everyone)
PHILIP: We could ...
RYAN: Yeah!
PHILIP: ... but in the spirit of Christmas, we won't.
RYAN: Boo!

The driver's brother showed up at the hospital to visit.

The driver, Bernie, has been missing all day. I heard a long, interesting story about him that I'll write about at another time when I'm not in a hurry to get to bed. But he claimed he had to go to his friend's child's baptism today. Philip doesn't believe him. Bernie asked for permission to stay out until 4:00PM. Philip gave him until 3:00PM. It's past midnight here in the Philippines and he's still not back. Philip ordered the maids not to open the door for him. Uh oh. Someone might be getting fired.

Since it's past midnight, it's officially my mommy's Birthday.

Noche Buena

I went shopping with Philip and Malou. They bought me a tight shirt from Guess. It shows my muscles. The cashier said we're the 1st ones to buy it since it just arrived. They also helped my broke-ass self by buying a blouse as my mommy's Christmas present. But since I picked it, they already credited me as the 1 who got it when they told my mommy to expect a Christmas present for me.

We ate at Pancake House. I had cordon bleu with potatoes and a stack of lemon-orange syrup pancakes with cream cheese and milk.

I finally had to change the tape in my camera. I've been busy filming. 2-year-old Samantha threw a temper tantrum that Philip asked me not to film because it was too embarrassing.

I caught Ducktales the Movie: Treasure of the Lost lamp before visiting my dad in the hospital. He was initially supposed to go home today, but we changed our minds because we need an oxygen tank in the house for him just in case. I was able to catch Peter Pan II: Return to Neverland and then a UFC recap show on his TV.

Apparently, it's a tradition here in the Philippines to have a midnight dinner on Christmas Eve. They call it "Noche Buena." We bought a bucket of KFC and mashed potatoes and cooked some other stuff for the dinner. Yay Santa Claus.

Back in the saddle again

I took out my 9 postcards to send today. And then realized I needed 1 more. My mommy volunteered to by an extra postcard.

RYAN: Buy 1 with a rural design. Do you know what "rural" means?
MOMMY: Of course! What do you think of mom?

Malou relayed the request to the driver, Bernie, to get my postcards to the post office before it closes at 5:00PM. Bernie had dropped of my mommy at the hospital to visit my dad. Then my mommy, who has a compulsive problem of being a nagger, called to talk back and insist that I have my postcards delivered tomorrow because it would seem like the driver would be driving too much in 1 day. Hello! Earth to mommy's brain: What do you think the driver is being paid for? I put my foot down on it.

I finished writing 10 postcards by 4:15PM. Bernie and I left and tried to go Fast and Furious style with the van to the post office. We made it. Each postcard required 2 stamps. I spent 140 pesos in postage stamps.

I visited my dad in the hospital. My mommy pestered me again about not going to Confession before Christmas. We stopped by my Auntie Aida's place. Snacked on chicken adobo. Listened to some carollers sing at the door. Then went to church for some simbang gabi mass. My mommy caught me playing with my communion bread in my mouth. Went to some place with Singapore food for dinner. It was aight. I had chicken curry.

MOMMY: Your dad thought that, because you kept videotaping him this whole time, he was gonna die!

Whoops. My bad.

Now here's the real fun: Uncle Mon started teaching me to ride a motorcycle. I hadn't been on a motorcycle since the last time I was in the Philippines 2 years ago. I had a lot of near accidents then, and I had a lot of near accidents now. We'll pick this lesson up later.

Mommy arrived

Philip woke me up at 4:50AM to pick my mommy up from the airport. I watched the sky change from dawn to Twilight to sunrise (I always wanted to use the word "twilight" in a sentence that wasn't related to the books/movies). There were cameras everywhere as someone was shooting a documentary. Then my mommy arrived.

Stopped by the house for breakfast. Then went to visit my dad in the hospital. Auntie Aida called, just as she had been doing for the past few days to pretend like she was trying to visit just to be nice. My mommy got all excited.

RYAN: Mom, Auntie Aida's not coming. She only pretends like she's trying to just to be nice.
DAD: [laughs]
MOMMY: Don't make your dad laugh!

My mommy's ears haven't recovered yet from the pressure changes in the plane ride. I keep speaking low to make her paranoid as a joke. I went back home with Philip and Malou so we could "leave the oldies behind" in the hospital. I went back to sleep.

My other cousin Ken visited for the 1st time since I've been here.

KEN: Your bicep is big!

Fuck yeah! After not working out this whole time since I've been here, I still got it. Oh, and my mommy realized she accidentally left a shitload of money back at home in California.

Later in the hospital, I exposed all of my mommy's mistakes so dad and I could laugh at her.

MOMMY: (at me) I am never telling you another secret! You gossip too much for a boy!

My mommy then lectured dad about not eating chocolates because supposedly cancer cells feed on chocolates. I made fun of her claims.

DAD: I guess we'll have to hide from your mom when we eat chocolates.

We were watching a UFC recap show while my mommy went to buy food. For some reason, even after repeating a million times, she couldn't hear our orders on the phone. Dad started getting impatient, then pissed.

RYAN: You're making dad's blood pressure rise!
MOMMY: What? Did you say your dad wants rice?
RYAN: No goddammit!

We're home now. As planned, Philip tried to give my mommy Auntie Zelda's room so I can keep having my own room. My mommy tried making up some bullshit excuse that she's too scared to sleep alone. Thankfully, jetlag knocked her out as she lied down on Auntie Zelda's bed.

I leave you with a music video of Paul Oakenfold featuring Brittany Murphy:

Rest in peace Brittany Murphy

I watched the 1980s Batman movie starring Michael Keaton today on TV. After close scrutiny, I can say that it is not a real Batman movie. The most important characteristic about the Batman psyche is that Batman refuses to kill. In this 1980s version, Batman is killing left and right. That is not Batman. But Christian Bale's Batman got it right.

I think the 1-eyed-maid, Linda, thinks I'm grossed out by her having only 1 eye ...

LINDA: Do you need anything else?
[I accidentally glance at her missing eye and instinctively look down]
LINDA: Oh, sorry.

Dammit. My bad. But no one should have to apologize because they only have 1 eye. And then I found a hair in the corned beef. The other maids tried to investigate how that happened. Apparently, Linda was the 1 who cooked the corned beef. I lost my appetite and simplified the English to explain ...

RYAN: I'm not hungry.

They all laughed.

I called my mommy since she'll be arriving tomorrow. She was stressed out trying to get the luggage under the 50 pound weight limit, so she told me to call back later. I called later. She was at the airport complaining how the line was long. She told me to call back later. I called later. She was complaining how she couldn't carry her bag and hold the phone at the same time. Ha.

We visited my dad in the hospital. He's out of the ICU now. But we had to move him to a smaller room. 2 of the doctors working on him are friends of the family. They agreed to work on my dad for free since he had no job. But if they saw my dad had 1 of the swanky rooms, it might contradict our story that my dad had no money. So we moved hom to a really small room to keep the story consistent. But at least he has a TV.

Speaking of which, the news says that a volcano will definitely reupt. But fortunately, it's 310 miles away from us.

Then my dad and I made fun of my mommy some more.

I finally ate some of that casava cake that Lola Ellie brought during dinner. Baby Samantha forgot her Barney stuffed toy at the dinner table. That never happens. I put it on my lap. Then she returned to the kitchen and took it back like a diva.

I can't believe I have to wake up at 4:45AM to help pick up my mommy from the airport.

In closing, I found out Brittany Murphy passed away. Clueless was aight. But I liked her recurring appearances in Party of Five and Boy Meets World, and her roles on King of the Hill, Riding in Cars with Boys, Sin City, and my personal favorite 8 Mile (alongside Eminem).

Red Horse

Philip walked into my room to wake me up, saying something came up in the hospital.

I tried finishing my expired sapin-sapin for breakfast, but it was too much. I made my own breakfast for the 1st time with cereal and green tea. That's when I noticed 1 of the maids was missing. I miscounted when I earlier said there were 11 people living with us. It's 12. Auntie Zelda actually has a "babysitter" (as my dad put it). But since Auntie Zelda left for Washington D.C. this morning, her babysitter has also gone on vacation.

I finally used the phone card to call my mommy today. I tried the house 1st. No answer. Then her cell phone. No answer. Finally, her work number. She answered. Meanwhile, Stardust was on TV again. But mommy's pretty useless in terms of bringing over more stuff. She'll be leaving for the Philippines tomorrow.

We went to visit my dad in the hospital. Still in the ICU. He's bloated as some kind of side effect, not sure why. But he's better, despite not being allowed to talk.

RYAN: What should I tell mom?
DAD: I'm "getting better."

He even caught Philip snooping around the doctor's desk and told me to tell Philip that he'll get caught.

Dinner was a big mac and fries from McDonald's and a bottle of water. Philip also got a new room to avoid any potential retaliation for breaking up the nurses' noisy party last night. He also made me kiss my dad on the forehead again upon leaving.

We came home and there was this woman here with only 1 eye. Her name's Linda. She used to work here, but Auntie Zelda was actually angry because she only had 1 eye! So they had to let her go. But now that Auntie Zelda's on a plane to Washington D.C., plus since they need a replacement for Auntie Zelda's babysitter who went on vacation, 1-eyed-Linda's back to fill in.

I called my mommy again at her work. They couldn't find her.

PHILIP: Perhaps she escaped to finish some errands before she leaves to come here.

Had to try again later.

PHILIP: Drink your beer downstairs.
RYAN: Am I allowed to drink beer in front of the kids and everyone else?
PHILIP: Yes. I'm the boss! Your dad's not around, my mom's not around ... I'm the elder now!

So I drank my San Miguel Light around the house. The light beer here - I repeat, light - has more alcohol than the American regular beers! Philip sent the driver, Bernie, to buy more beer. They let me try a Red Horse, which its label emphasized was "extra strong." I was buzzed. 1-year-old-baby Maxine kept reaching for my beer. Philip gave her, along with 2-year-old Samantha, a taste. The babies didn't like beer. Also snacked on some sausages and these crab-chip-thingies.

RYAN: My mommy's asking what do you want.
PHILIP: Nothing. Just her presence.
RYAN: Ok. What do you want for presents?
PHILIP: No. "Presence," not "presents."

I called my mommy again. Philip updated her on all hospital news. Now I'm watching something on the Disney channel called Wizards of Waverly Place.

Won't that look gay?

Philip and Bong slept at the hospital to watch over my dad in the Intensive Care Unit. He sent the driver, Bernie, to pick me up along with Malou and Auntie Zelda (after 25 years, I just can't reprogram myself to start spelling her name correctly with the "S"). My dad had a couple of episodes throughout the night, but he was better when we got there.

PHILIP: Kiss your dad.
RYAN: Um, what?
PHILIP: Kiss your dad and tell him we're leaving to eat lunch.
RYAN: Won't that look gay?
PHILIP: No! You're his son!

I kissed my dad on the forehead before leaving to go eat lunch. We also asked his permission if it was ok for Auntie Zelda to leave tomorrow as planned to visit cousin Shiela in Washington, D.C. He said it was ok.

When we got home, Lola Ellie was praying in the living room. (Lola is the title for grandma or any other female elder relative.) She's my dad's aunt. Pretty healthy for a really old woman. She brought me casava cake.

We went back to the hospital with Lola Ellie. My dad caught me videotaping him. He made me stop taping him. As he slept in the ICU, we went to go chill in his assigned room. Suddenly, there was bad kareoke of Black Eyed Peas' I Got A Feeling - and in Tagalog! - booming through the walls.

PHILIP: They're lucky your dad's not in this room right now.

But eventually, it was so annoying that Philip went to management to inquire what the noise was, followed with a complaint. Plus, there were other patients anyway in their nearby rooms who unfortunately had to put up with it. It was the staff's Christmas party.

MANAGEMENT: You have to understand this is their Christmas party.
(Are you fucking -- F-U-C-K-I-N-G -- kidding me?!)
PHILIP: YOU have to understand this is a hospital where sick people are trying to rest!

The party stopped. Philip said if it started again, they would lose their jobs. You best believe that District Attorney Philip can realistically make it happen. We went to dinner.

PHILIP: I think they're mad that I stopped their party.
RYAN: If they say anything to you, I'll flex my muscles and intimidate them. From what I've seen, I'm bigger than all of them. I'll even wear a tighter shirt to make myself look bigger.
PHILIP: I should buy you a body shirt. (I guess that's what they call form fitting shirts here.) What if I bought you 1 with a midrift?
RYAN: I won't be able to intimidate anyone! Even if I held them high above the ground by their throat, against a wall, they will laugh at me.

I watched Stardust on TV. I remember watching this in theaters when it 1st came out, for free as I snuck into it during 1 of my movie hopping days.

Auntie Zelda is packing her stuff to leave for the airport at around 3 or 4AM in a few hours.

A dream double feature

We were eating at a Japanese restaurant for lunch, except for Philip who was at the hospital with Bong to watch over my dad. I was eating the same sushi that I eat back in Glendale (except this place didn't have the salmon eggs), plus more sushi and lemonade. But Philip called ...

PHILIP: Finish as soon as possible and come to the hospital immediately.

I actually ate fast, even finishing Auntie Zelda's shrimp tempura for her (it's still so weird just finding out for the 1st time her name's actually spelled with an "S") and getting another refill of lemonade.

Apparently, the nurses were taking my dad back to his room when he had a hard time breathing. So they took him to the intensive care unit and gave him oxygen with medicine. I did more guerrilla filming. Dad kept giving me the thumbs up to say he was ok. In the few words he spoke, he said ...

DAD: Sit.
RYAN: (I sit for the next few minutes)
DAD: Are [Philip and the rest] still outside?
RYAN: I think so.
DAD: Just go with them.

My mommy called the house later.

MOMMY: What is this about you videotaping?! Your dad's dying and your videotaping!

I watched Army of Darkness for the 2nd time since I've been here on TV. They show the 1 with the alternate ending where Ash (Bruce Campbell) sleeps too long and wakes up in a post-apocalyptic Britain. I never knew there was an alternate ending. The other one's better.

Dinner had some extra protein: ramen noodles, salmon and fish filet. They gave me this 4 seasons juice to try. They reminded me that I still hadn't opened my sapin-sapin yet (cake that I'm not sure what it's made of). I ate 1/4 of it. They told me it expires today. I'll finish it tomorrow.

I finished the bonus chapter of Mick Foley autobiography Have A Nice Day, thus officially finishing it.

Time to catch up on a couple of dreams I've had the past few nights.

• Dream 1: This was 1 of those weird dream within a dream's. I'm in an abandoned warehouse with Ash, Bruce Campbell's character on Army of Darkness, killing zombies. Somehow I become aware that I'm aleep in real life and this is a dream. Ash and I make it to the exit that's being guarded by some hot chick, who's on our side. She sort of resembles Ashley Greene (Alice Cullen on Twilight). I make out with the chick, but nothing more to avoid waking up wet in the real world. But I wake up anyway all wet and pissed because of it. BUT - and here's the real twist - I wake up again in the REAL real world and I'm all dry, and thus happy. End dream.
• Dream 2: I'm at some party hosted by my old co-worker Nancy Stricker. In real life, I've busted a #3 to her a bunch of times. In the dream, some crack whore is hitting on me and it disgusts everyone that they move to another room, led by Nancy. I follow everyone. But we somehow get teleported inside a school where a juggernaut outside sees us and comes after us. Oh, and my grade school classmate Laura Allen is with us. The rest plays out like a horror video game. We can't disapparate (teleportation in the Harry Potter universe) due to a machine that's blocking magic. We find the machine, but some of our party is killed along the way. We shut down the machine, join hands, and disapparate in the nick of time. I wake up. End dream.

Championship bout

I stayed up last night watching Twilight on TV. I was able to wake up without opening my eyes, thus pretending to still sleep when Malou walked in the 1st time and reacted like it was such a scandal that I was still asleep at ... 8:30AM! But the 2nd time, she woke me up saying we had to go.

PHILIP: What time did you sleep?
RYAN: Early.
Malou Early morning?

That's the same thing my mommy answers back with!

The family asked me what I wanted for breakfast. I jokingly said pancakes, a joke because the maids obviously wouldn't know how to cook that. When I went downstairs for breakfast, I found they had bought pancakes from McDonalds! There were 4. I finished 2, but only bit into the 3rd and had to rush to see my dad in the hospital before his operation - or the "championship bout," as he put it - at 11:ooAM.

DAD: Mom called me AGAIN.
RYAN: What did she say?
DAD: She said don't eat too much!

I got some video footage. When dad fell asleep, he rolled over, and we could all see his ass. My biggest regret was not catching that on video before Philip covered him with a blanket.

We went to eat at 1 of the many malls. I had a porterhouse steak and a blueberry and cheese crepe.

Dad's operation was done by 3:30PM. They took out the part of his lungs that had the cancer, but unfortunately found new lymph nodes.

When I got home to finish my last 2 pancakes, 1 of them mysterously did not have the bite that I left in it. That could mean only 1 thing: the maids prematurely threw them away when I left, but realized that I'd probably want them later, so they bought new ones.

I had packed a bunch of books in my bag and opened it for the 1st time. My mommy insisted I wouldn't read during my trip, so it was time to spite her. I picked up Mick Foley's autobiography Have A Nice Day, which Carlos let me borrow over a year ago. I haven't read it since I was in Italy 2 Septembers ago, last year. I actually finished it tonight, except for the bonus chapter.

Balut (Duck fetus)

DAD: Mom says you're good at praying. Can you pray for me?
RYAN: Mom lied.

Dad's obviously nervous about his operation tomorrow. My mommy called today. The usual "making sure I'm behaving" checking in.

We were supposed to leave for the hospital at 12:00PM. But the doctor postponed it to 4:00PM. That adds to the long list of setbacks. So far:

• Dad's operation was supposed to be 2 weeks ago, but postponed because doctors forgot to tell him to quit taking aspirin.
• Dad's operation was then supposed to be last week, but postponed because the doctor was having renal stones and had to undergo an operation himself.
• And more rescheduling that I actually can no longer remember it all.

I went with Philip to a hearing he was supposed to be at. Mental note: I spotted a MMA gym nearby his office! Philip seems to be popular as the parking attendants give him a parking space that they block off for everyone else. The prosecutor who scheduled the hearing didn't even show up, so we left. We stopped by Samantha's (Philip's 2-year-old daughter/my niece) school where they were having a Christmas party with all the little students performing.

We finally admitted my dad in the hospital. Did a lot of guerrilla filming since recording was not allowed. My biggest regret was not catching the funniest thing on tape: A guy walked into a glass door and everyone laughed at him. My dad's room, which he has all to himself, is almost like a hotel room (all the cheap ones were taken, so we had to go with an upscale one). We bought spaghetti, donuts, and dumplings. My OCD was kicking in when I spent half an hour trying to open the bag of soy sauce, which I was never able to open until I finally poked it with a toothpick. There was some UFC programming on the TV. We left, except for Bong who will be staying in the hospital to take care of my dad. They really don't trust me with that task.

PHILIP: Of all viruses ... redtube[.com]!

The computer still has the virus of not being able to get rid of that porn site as the default homepage whenever someone opens the browser. We were reminded of that this morning when Malou tried to search the internet and started screaming about what she saw. Philip just laughed at her.

I had 3 balut (duck fetus) for dinner.

PHILIP: Your dad asked me how much balut you ate. I told him 1 ... He doesn't believe me.

Then came the phone call from my dad, lecturing me about not eating too much (duck fetus has a lot of cholesterol). Anyway, since my dad will be in the hospital for the next 5-7 days, I have our bedroom all to myself. You know what that means? FINALLY, alone time. Hehe.

Bong

I finally ate my Italian Bratwurst today for breakfast along with hotdogs, cheddar, bread, and orange juice. Dad ignored my suggestion that bratwurst is supposed to be cooked in beer. Boo.

I visited my auntie Aida to drop off my mommy's gift to her. There were buckets everywhere since their ceiling is leaking all over. Uncle Mon says I got a lot of muscle on me. Yay.

Philip treated me to lunch at some burger place called Tropical Hut. It was all right. I finally ate a halo-halo for the 1st time during this trip.

Later, Malou treated me to snack on Taco Bell, despite Philip telling me not to snack because dinner was going to be at an all-you-can-eat place. I drank some of my Japanese green tea to speed up my metabolism so I can digest everything and over-eat for dinner.

A package that my mommy sent finally arrived at the house while we were out. The maid called Malou's cell phone for the delivery boys to talk to me because they needed my authorization. They were disappointed I was American. I found out it's typical for Filipinos to tip the delivery boy and they assumed I wouldn't know that. Malou instructed the maid to tip them 200 pesos.

Philip (again, a district attorney) abruptly had to leave because his superior complained he was never around. Philip checked in with his superior, made an excuse that he had to leave, and we all went to dinner.

Dinner was at a place called Kamayan. I've been there in the past. I continued the tradition of everyone, full and done eating, waiting on me as I continued to eat like a monster. There were ingredients to make your own halo-halo. I tried making a halo-halo for the 1st time ever in life. Epic fail.

When we got home, distant cousin Bong had finally arrived from Gerona (a farm town in the jungle where both sides of my family were originally from). Bong will be taking care of my dad while he recovers from his operation, which is scheduled on Thursday. I guess everyone didn't trust me to do my best in taking care of my dad.

Random: I just found out that auntie Selda's name is spelled with an "S." My whole life, I assumed it was spelled with a "Z" like Legend of Zelda.

Porn as virus

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Gay people be checking me out

I've been waking up to roosters crowing.

People from the sewage company came to drain the septic tank, which turned out to be below the kitchen, underneath the dining table. I had to eat my own breakfast in my room - croissant with Laughing Cow cheese, donut, chicharon (pork rinds), milk, and water.

While everyone I know had to pay to watch UFC 107, it aired here in the Philippines on 25-minute tape delay on free TV. (UFC PPVs usually start at 7:00PM California time, Manila is 16 hours ahead of Los Angeles, UFC 107 started at 11:25AM Manila time.) I stayed behind to watch UFC 107 while the rest of the family went out to eat for lunch.

My favorite parts: 5 rounds of B.J. Penn vs. Diego Sanchez, 2 of my favorite fighters, for the Lightweight Championship, which Penn retained via doctor stoppage. And then Frank Mir choked this french guy named cheik congo unconscious in only 1 minute and 21 seconds of the 1st round! I don't usually like Mir because he talks too much shit, but he was the lesser of 2 evils. I'm ALWAYS happy to see harm come to a frenchie.

I ate the food they brought home for me. It was squid, rice, and sweet & sour fish filet. I washed it down with some orange juice.

Some fag (it's ok, I have gay friends, so I'm not racist ... or whatever the appropriate word for this situation is), who was checking me out, asked cousin Philip if I would be 1 of the judges in their gay pageant. Apparently, Philip had helped them out in the past. I declined.

Cousin-in-law Malou tried giving me some sour mango slices. I couldn't eat it. Too sour. For dinner, I had pork chops, cream of artichoke soup, omelette, my leftover Shakey's pizza from last night, leftover cinnabon, and water.

Watching the free replay of UFC 107 now.

Farting on a pillow = Pink eye

The beloved Terminator: the Sarah Connor Chronicles lives on in the Philippines being promoted as a "new" series (it was cancelled last May 18). I saw 2 different reruns at 2 different times on 2 different channels this evening. But to the people here, they were "new" episodes.

I guess the try-outs for G4's American Ninja Warrior - which are supposed to take place in Los Angeles again this month, but I'll have to miss them - are still in the back of my mind as I had a weird dream incorporating them last night: In my dream, I'm at the try-outs. Then out of nowhere, there are these 3 blond chicks. We start talking - I don't remember what about. Then they're feeling me up. Then they're jacking me off. I remark, "I feel like I'm on e." End of dream.

I woke up in the middle of the night because both the air conditioner and the electric fan together brought the room to sub-zero temperature. Initially, I couldn't sleep because it was too damn hot.

Cousin Philip's eye was red today. I told him that according to Knocked Up, you get pink eye if someone farts on your pillow. Cousin-in-law Malou seems to believe it. But it turns out Philip accidentally rubbed his eye too deep that some of the top layer came off. Ouch! The eye doctor told him to put some medicine, patch it up, and sleep it off. It now looks mostly back to normal.

I had a lasagna, salad, and raspberry iced tea for brunch at Sbarros. I bought some plain white tanktops for me and postcards for people.

We came home and the hallway was flooded. The water was coming from the bathroom. The septic tank was full. It's supposed to be good for 40 years. Apparently, 40 years have gone by.

I snacked on some M&Ms. Dinner was at Shakey's. Mine was a belly buster pizza, some chicken, potatoes, garlic bread, spaghetti, and bottomless lemonade. Everyone thinks I eat too much.

I like how I'm taller than everyone and chicks be checking me out.

I'm so gangster you could find me baking cookies at nights

My mommy called from the US to bitch about my binge eating since I've been here in the Philippines out of her parental supervision (dad's such a snitch). With that said, cousin-in-law Malou gave me what was supposed to be a sweet treat covered in dry squid. My dad and I ate more of the free chocolates that came as a gift with the cologne that my mommy bought him. Then I ate some chicharon (pork grinds). Oh, and my cinnabon too.

It was a pain in the ass finally finding a video of the fall finale of Glee online because hulu.com doesn't show anything to anyone outside of the US (fuck hulu). The final scene featured the cast doing a cover of my future baby's mama Kelly Clarkson's My Life Would Suck Without You.

I got to flex my muscles by carrying a heavy bag of rice while doing groceries. Cousin Philip showed me this shop that tried to swindle him, so he fined them 10,000 pesos (that's right, don't fuck with my district attorney cousin)! He also bought me 3 bootleg DVDs of Seal Team VI, Streets of Blood, and 9. We had to go to a donut shop just to get croissants for my Laughing Cow cheese. Figured we might as well buy some donuts. Going to eat my donuts now. But the highlight of my day was finding this video of Taylor Swift and some rap singer named T Pain:

Time Travel

It's Day 3 here in the Philippines and the dude from the company FINALLY installed the high speed internet (and my cousin's homepage just happens to be set as redtube.com). I've officially time traveled: The Philippines is 14 hours ahead of Los Angeles. Since I left on Sunday (December 6), L.A. time, and arrived here Tuesday (December 8), P.I. time, I never officially experienced Monday. That counts as a time jump (like they say in Terminator).

People who live in this house: my dad, aunt, cousin, cousin-in-law, 2 nieces, 2 nannies (1 for each niece), the maid, the driver, and the driver's brother. And I might still be forgetting someone. Plus, the 3 dogs. And my distant cousin will be moving in soon to be my dad's caretaker when my dad has his surgery. The point is: I will never have a chance to jack off. Yeah, I said it.

But Babes, who I thought might have died of old age by now, is still alive! Although she sleeps a lot and only walks across the whole house once a day.

Highlight of last Tuesday: I ate a whole lobster to myself.

Highlight of yesterday: I found a place with a "Beers from Around the World" menu that includes Sam Adams and Stella Artois (Stellart) beer! It was strange that the waitress reminded me of Jazz from Red Robin back in Glendale (same hair color, hair style, skin tone). Bad news: They had everything but Guinness. Good news: I felt good after 2 Sam Adams.

Highlight of today: Cousin Philip took me to a place called Brothers Burger where I had a pound burger (yes, it weighed 1 pound) with cilantro cream and bleu cheese.

Stuff I watched on television lately: UFC, Xena reruns, 7th Heaven rerun, Power Rangers reruns, Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor, Army of Darkness, some Hilary Duff movie, and some movie called The Dark is Rising. Yes, I've been bored when not eating or drinking. Must eat my cinnabon now.

Still on the plane, refueling in Hawaii

Just chilling while the plane refuels here in Hawaii. Paramedics are here too because some old woman passed out and needed oxygen.

The movies aren't working. Boo. But they got a selection of albums and I was able to edit my own playlist consisting of Michael Jackson, Celine Deon, Madonna, Taylor Swift, Beyonce, Christina Aguilera, Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana, John Mayer, Katy Perry, Lady Gaga, Queen, Wicked, The Phantom of the Opera, Grease, Les Miserables, and many more. Taylor Swift has a nice song called Breathe.

The stewardist/flight attendant (whatever they're called) was being a bitch telling me to turn off my phone. Fuck her, she's ugly. I just hid my phone under my leather jacket and put a blanket over me as I finished typing this. Shades of my former FTW self!

Leaving on a jet plane

It's not really a jet. Just quoting a song.

My mommy woke me up at noon to pack. We were supposed to leave by 5:00PM. I finished packing at 6:00PM. Uncle Oca came by to help.

Before leaving, my mommy showed me a card from Carlos and Michelle in Nebraska that just came in the mail. Perfect timing.

At the airport now. Just ate a McDonald's #2 meal in record time right before getting in line to board the plane. And I'm off.

I haven't had blond streaks in years

My mommy woke me up early to go to Tita Dory so she can fix my hair. ("Tita" just means an auntie who's not biologically related; no English translation for it.) She trimmed a couple of inches off and gave me blond highlights. Surprise. I haven't had blond streaks in years.

I was supposed to finally hang out with TJ before leaving tomorrow, but he got sick.

My mommy was supposed to work tonight, but she called in sick to help me pack. Cockblock. I guess I won't have the house to myself to exract the database. I didn't even get to Sabrina yet. I guess that bartender chick Paula will be the last 1 I busted a #3 to for the next month-and-a-half. My family's house in the Philippines is a full house. No one's ever alone.

Walked around Red Robin. I missed Jazz. I forgot that I noticed a pattern as of last week that she doesn't stay until closing anymore. Blue balls! Danielle at Hot Topic (who holds me over whenever Jazz isn't around) wasn't there either. Double blue balls. But at least that chick Georgia tried talking to me again. She's kind of all right. But not even that new Israeli chick selling cosmetics was working. More blue balls. I end the night on "double whammy plus 1" blue balls! This is a bad omen.

Blue Tooth

I FINALLY activated my Blue Tooth device for the 1st time ever because the headphones I've been using as a hands-free device has been bugging. I went to Northridge for Auntie Bella to give me the H1N1 shot (swine flue shot). She also gave me a bag full of peanut bags to give my dad in the Philippines and a roast beef sandwich and starbucks for me to snack on.

I called Tiwat to hang out. He couldn't form any coherent sentences whatsoever because he was brain dead on too many pills. So I got lost a lot trying to find his place. He told me to make a left. I was supposed to make a right. He couldn't understand the words coming out of my mouth. So then I started yelling. But I finally found his place.

We watched the Smallville episode that aired on November 20th, which I missed. Lois and Clark had sex. I finally met his dad, the guy who always abuses him. But of course he was putting up a fake nice guy front in front of me. I could sense he has a "snap" quality, though.

I had to rush to Dave's Birthday party at the Days Inn. Dave bought me a margarita, then 2 screwdrivers. Then his friend bought me a screwdriver. I call it drunken generosity. Dave had a bunch of stand-up comedians perform. None of them, except for maybe 2, were funny. It made me feel like I could stand up on stage with index cards full of jokes and call myself a comedian.

6 PLATES of death

Last night, I went to Richard's Birthday gathering at NoBar in North Hollywood:

• Sabrina was there and I found out she just turned 21, meaning she was using a fake ID when I met her at Tonga Hut.
• The guy who made Sabrina's fake ID was obsessed with her and she cut him off as soon as she got her fake ID ...
• ... Nice. But too bad she can't help me now with my under aged friends who need fake IDs.
• Sabrina isn't Israeli like I thought (she's Russian Jewish), but I told her my story anyway from last weekend about how Israeli chicks selling cosmetics are more dangerous than strippers and she agreed.
• I noticed Sabrina looked better than last time, so I put her in my database.
• Gumby and his girlfriend, Amy, were there.
• I met this dude named Bahman who has known Richard and Gumby for a long time.
• Richard, Gumby, Bahman, and I sang along to Journey's Don't Stop Believing.
• I reminded Richard that he was voted in our high school yearbook as "Most Bashful," which he felt was awkward since it was alongside his ex-girlfriend.
• Richard told Bahman, I'm "built like a mutherfucker."
• Bahman claims that the Iron Shiek is his uncle.
• Bahman met The Undertaker before he was the Undertaker that he calls him Mark (The Undertaker's real name).
• Sergeant Slaughter taught Bahman an armbar, which he showed me (the cop armbar).
• Bahman hung out with Hulk Hogan through his uncle, the Iron Shiek.
• Bahman says Sergeant Slaughter and the Iron Shiek may have been rivals onscreen, but were best friends in real life.

BAHMAN: When I 1st had sex with a 40-something year old, I realized I had never had sex before. I was just masturbating with another person. You can have sex with a 20-something year old and not cum for 3 hours because they don't do anything but lie there.

RYAN: What is [Guinness] brewed with?
RICHARD: Heaven.

Richard was able to hook up discounts with drinks (I bought him a screwdriver, I bought myself Guinness) because he knows the bartender. Her name's Paula. I tipped her. She winked at me. She gives good wink.. Paula's in my database.

By midnight, my Facebook status read:

At a bar using a pool cue as an air guitar to Guns 'n Roses "Sweet Child 'o Mine"

BAHMAN: I need to take you to the cougar bar.
RYAN: Sweet.

Today, I saw Ninja Assassin at 2:00PM and then snuck into New Moon at 3:50PM. There was only me and a group of 3 kids in the entire theater watching New Moon. When Jacob Black phased for the 1st time into a werewolf, as planned, I stood up and yelled, "WHOOOOOOOO!"

Normally, I see a minimum of 4 movies (only paying for the 1st and sneaking into the rest). But I had to meet my mommy for dinner and this is my last Thursday (student discount days in which I still use my student ID) before going to the Philippines.

But 1st I stopped by Hot Topic. On my way there, I saw Angelica for the 1st time since Shannon's funeral.

ANGELICA: That's a nice shirt. (I was wearing my Twilight shirt.)

Then I saw Sheila, who was 2 years younger than me in high school, for the 1st time in I-don't-know-how-many-years.

SHEILA: That's ... um ... a nice shirt. (referring to the really low v-neck) Really sexual.

Apparently that New Moon tanktop I wanted must come with these girly pants.

RYAN: I don't suppose you can sell this tanktop by itself, can you?
HOT TOPIC DUDES: No, the pants go with it.
RYAN: Do these pants look too gay on a guy -- I'm sorry, whatever the politically correct word is.
HOT TOPIC DUDES: It's cool. (regarding the pants) It's not too bad.

My mommy and I had dinner at the Hilton. It was all you-can-eat.

WAITER: (at me) Do you drink beer?
MOMMY: No, don't give him beer. Give him something nice.
WAITER: Ok, I'll give him a tequila shot. It's nicer than beer.
MOMMY: ...
RYAN: What's the strongest beer you got on tap?
WAITER: Chimay. It's Belgium.
RYAN: Mom, is it ok if I have a Chimay?
WAITER: Are you at that age where you can drink, but you wanna be respectable?
RYAN: Yes.
WAITER: I was like that too! Then I went to Italy with my mom and I couldn't stop drinking in front of her! Have you been to Yardhouse? It's like the Disneyland of beer.

ANGUS: I like your belt (about my "Last Supper" belt)

I talked to this dude named Angus while waiting to get fresh crepes because the chef practically went on vacation. Angus is from Sydney, Australia (but born in Malaysia) where he works for a logistics company. He travels a lot, having been in California, Connecticut, and even the Philippines. He has a friend in Las Vegas who hosts something called I Am TV. Angus was able to take a fast car up to 170mph on a normal road. I'd be scared.

RYAN: If one were to vacation in Australia, what places would you suggest?
ANGUS: Cairnes. But it's kind of country-bumpkin-ish.
RYAN: How are the girls?
ANGUS: I guess they're hot. I think they're all right. But my American friends love'em. I think you guys just love the accent.
RYAN: Yeah!
ANGUS: It's nice you can have dinner with your mum. My dad just died. Took his own life after a long bout with depression.
RYAN: Oooh, I'm really sorry, man.
ANGUS: But I don't let it show on my face. Thanks for the condolences, though.

To make a long story short, I had 6 plates - yes, SIX - consisting of 2 lobsters, prime rib, leg of lamb, sushi, raw oysters, snails (don't hate), various seafood, crepes, ice cream, cakes, various junk food ... I thought I was going to die when I tried to stand up from my seat.

MOMMY: That guy (Angus) told me, "Your son is a gentleman and has a nice job." What did you tell him?
RYAN: I'm a stuntman.
MOMMY: What?
RYAN: It's technically true. I did 3 Martial Arts films already.

Continue to R.I.P. Gino and Ricky

I still remember 9 years ago when my classmates Gino Nepomuceno and Ricky Ojeda drunkenly died in a car crash. It was a Saturday. I had just earned my green belt in Tae Kwon Do and then went to meet with my classmates Megan Kukla, Shenna Velsa and Allison Defrancesco at Allison's house to shoot a video for school - ironically about drunk driving. Morgan Meyries walked up to us out of nowhere to break the news to us. Morgan was a cute Irish girl with a black belt in Karate. I've jacked off to her, long before I had to devise code words for jacking off.

I ate a Subway sandwich and then went to visit Brian at the GNC to get his address so I can send him a postcard from the Philippines. That annoying kid Emmanuel was there. Brian says Manny Pacquiao and some guy named Floyd Mayweather might agree to fight.

RYAN: So what city [do you live in]?
BRIAN: Pasadena.
RYAN: Yeah, I already knew that.
BRIAN: Of course. Just the formalities.
RYAN: State?
BRIAN: Um, C-A.
RYAN: Country?
BRIAN: (trying not to laugh) The United States.

I plugged the story of how Chad (fellow PWG fan) who lives in Ontario in SoCal sometimes gets his bills late because they get sent to Ontario in Canada.

Capoeira training started at 6:00PM. I got there at 6:30 due to traffic. I walked in as Andres was leading drills and he improvised a roundhouse kick at me. The rest of the class was Jesse II, Louis, and Diana. A chubby kid and his family was watching in the corner. For my own boring reference, the combo we drilled was: armada (spin kick), quexiada (axe kick), switch stance, meia lua (low spin kick). Andres invited the chubby kid to try it.

ANDRES: You wanna try?
CHUBBY KID: This isn't for me.
ANDRES: Why not?
CHUBBY KID: I'm more of a wrestler.
ANDRES: Oh, how long have you been wrestling?
CHUBBY KID: A year.
ANDRES: Well, we do jujitsu on Mondays. You know, like, chokes and joint locks. But this is what we do today.

After, the family left, Andres went to town making fun of the chubby kid's attitude. Apparently, Andres' brother Joe invited him, but we're not sure what Joe said.

They're preparing for a demo on the 10th. It might just be them 4. I prepared with them anyway even though I'll be in the Philippines by then. We practiced palm strikes and sweeping. I was able to evade Diana and Jesse's sweeps and land palm strikes to each of them. We went in height order to do solos, 30 seconds each: Louis, Diana, me, Jesse II, and Andres. I busted the split in mine, but on my bad side (left). For future reference, I'll do it on my right.

ANDRES: It looked like you were doing drunken boxing for a second there!

Then we played. I sort of accidentally roundhouse-kicked Andres. I say "accidenatlly" because I meant to do it, but I thought he'd dodge it anyway. But no. I actually hit the teacher!

JESSE II: (taunting Andres getting kicked by me) Oooh! What's happening Andres?

I tried just sweeping Louis, but he's so damn skinny that it ended up taking out his ankle instead! My bad.

LOUIS: Ryan with the cheap shots!

Some bald guy with a mustache in the basketball gym was checking out Diana. Diana has a cool sweater in which the cord is actually a headphone, which comes in handy because headphones aren't allowed on her high school campus. Also, at Diana's insistence, I let my hair down and listened to them play up the Jacob Black (from Twilight) references.

ANDRES: You over that girl?
RYAN: Oh, yeah, dude, that was a long time ago.
ANDRES: Dude, you were sad for only like 2 minutes! That was fast! You're a funny guy.

He's talking about that chick Buggy from the wrestling shows. Even though she got a boyfriend, she still sometimes talks to me in that sort of way. I still talk to her, but no longer in that sort of way ever since she got the boyfriend. I ain't the type.

Andres told me a story about how his friend went to the Philippines, saw some dudes ganging up on a girl, saved the girl, and went back to his hotel room with the girl. But in the middle of the night, the girl unlocked the door to let aforementioned gangsters rob Andres' friend while asleep. What a set up! Then Andres' friend later saw them setting up another guy.

I watched an all new episode of Glee that featured their cover of Van Halen's Jump. Now it's time to go to NoBar in North Hollywood for Richard's Birthday.

My December

Michelle texted me a little past midnight to tell me about this:



First, I laughed. But then I laughed harder at this video of an armenian comedian, who can't speak English, trying to backlash the above video's singer to an epic fail:



I had a weird dream last night: I was at my high school reunion, but all classes of different graduation years were there. It was outdoors on 2 cliffs facing each other, separated by a river. Nobody had trouble crossing back and forth. One side had stairs that led to the garage of the old condominium that I, and later my Uncle Lando, used to live in. Then my old classmates sang The Living Years by Mike and the Mechanics, which actually was our joint in our senior year. End of dream.

I realized since I won't have a lot of alone time while in the Philippines, I have to bust a #3 as much as possible before leaving this Sunday on the 6th. I fired up the porn and extracted that Israeli chick Shani (the 1 who tried to sell me cosmetics last weekend) from the database.

I rocked the same song from last week (it's a long song) in guitar practice.

I went to the mall. Jazz wasn't working at Red Robin and neither was Danielle, the chick at Hot Topic who holds me over whenever Jazz isn't there. But I think this chick who works at Hot Topic named Georgia is stalking me. I never told her my name. I guess she just looked at my info (and maybe memorized a little) some time ago when she insisted in signing me up for their Rewards card.

GEORGIA: Ryan?
RYAN: Um, yeah? (In a "How'd-you-know-my-name?" kind of way)
GEORGIA: I have magic powers.

She looks aight. I passed by that Israeli chick Shani in the cosmetics shop just to think to myself, I jacked off to you today. Haha. Gosh, she's got a thick accent and a deep alto voice for a chick.

Masa, who I haven't seen since summer, wanted to go see New Moon, but I wanted to go to the gym for the 1st time since before Thanksgiving instead and do my calisthenics. And I saw this dude named Ivan at the gym whom I haven't seen in years. He works for his dad in roofing now.

Dual citizenship

My mommy came home from work early to take me to the Philippine embassy to apply for dual citizenship. We just had to make sure I cover my ass because anyone vacationing in the Philippines for more than 30 days is automatically sent to the Immigration department upon landing in the airport where those crooks scam them to apply for a visa and charge them 2-3 times more than the actual fees.

We stopped by Costco so I can take a half-ass pic for the application. Then we found out at the embassy that because my dad still has his Philippine citizenship, I'm automatically a dual citizen. Those crooks won't be able to fuck with me now.

MOMMY: I don't even have dual-citizenship! When I became an American citizen, they made me renounce all other citizenships. So you're (that's me) better than me.

I over-ate at Sizzler, as is my Sizzler tradition, with a steak and lobster tail, plus salad bar (clam chowder, salad, chicken wings, tacos, ice cream, fruits with cottage cheese, jello, pudding, miscellaneous junk food) all in a total of 5 plates, and strawberry lemonade.

I did more shopping at Costco afterward for stuff to bring to the Philippines. I bought a drink, but all the rasperry nestea was unsweetened despite the labels still saying "sweetened." I asked for a refund. They refunded me, but told me to keep the cup as their apology and get something else. Free drink!

Then went to the mall and saw that Hot Topic has a new wolfpack tanktop (Twilight/New Moon) that I need to get. Finally! I've been waiting for the franchise to come out with muscle shirts! While walking at the Americana, my BFF Kat, who was likely at a bar, sent me a picture message of a snakebite (1 of my favorite drinks) that read:

Mmmm snake bites thinkin of u :) xoxo

(For the millionth time) Kat's family lives down the street from Kelly Clarkson's family in Texas. That's why I made her my BFF.

Israeli chicks

My mommy and I ate at Zono Sushi. I got kind of bitchy at the restaurant because they NEVER have toro (fatty tuna) sushi whenever I'm there. I can no longer remember when was the last time I tasted toro sushi.

My mommy decided to buy some toys at the mall for my new little cousins that I'll be seeing soon when I go to the Philippines. She ended up buying a Little Miss Sunshine doll that electronically sings and a pink teddy bear (after making fun of my choice in a stuffed dog that electronically sings).

MOMMY: Do you want any clothes from American Eagle?
RYAN: No. It's too pro-caucasian.

Then I stepped out, saying I have to "look at something really quick." I stared at Jazz at the Red Robin to renew her in my database. Then my mommy called me on my cell phone telling me we were late for church.

MOMMY: (driving crazy) The devil distracted us!

By the time we got to church, there was only 5 minutes left. I played with the hand sanitizer again.

I later went back to the mall myself and some Israeli chicks selling cosmetics called me over. It's always an Israeli selling products from the Dead Sea.

ISRAELI CHICK: (with thick accent) My name is Shani. Can I show you something?

I've seen this thing a million times already, but they were all cute so I said, "Yes."

ISRAELI CHICK: Where are you from?
RYAN: Here.
ISRAELI CHICK: Or where are your parents from?
RYAN: Around.
ISRAELI CHICK: Are you Indian? (I'm sure she meant Native American.)
RYAN: Sometimes I pretend I am just because I can.
ISRAELI: You know "Pocahontas?" You look like her husband. [They all high-five like it was the funniest joke ever.] How old are you?
RYAN: Not old.

To make a long story short, after rubbing the stuff all over my arm and hands, it took will power to override the boner and decline. That chick Shani even offered to give me her number to call her in case I had any questions. Holy fuck, they must be really desperate and not making any money!

Bad News: Bailey Banks and Biddle went out of business and apparently had huge sales. Fuck, I could've gotten a real rolex for 50% off if only I was paying attention.

On my way to Barnes and Noble, I witnessed a couple having an over-pretentiously angsty, teen-drama-type conversation ... They were in their 30s! And the dude (asian) was shorter than the chick (white).

At Barnes and Noble, I was reading sheet music for the Twilight soundtrack that features Muse's Supermassive Black Hole and Linkin Park's Leave Out All the Rest. Then I noticed some older blond lady checking me out.

OLDER BLOND LADY: (impressed) Are you reading sheet music?
RYAN: (elegantly) Yes.
OLDER BLOND LADY: You can actually read the notes and play it in your head?
RYAN: (confidently) Yes.
OLDER BLOND LADY: Do you play piano?
RYAN: Guitar.
OLDER BLOND LADY: What do you play?
RYAN: Classical. [She looks like she wets her pants]
DUDE WHO'S WITH HER: She's a classical pianist.

He had an accent that pronounced "pianist" as "penis." Ah, the pussy I could've gotten in life if only I never had anxiety attacks when trying to talk to girls.

In that gay Edward Cullen sort of way

Woke up pretty late. I was watching Casper last night (the 1995 film adaption of the old Casper the Friendly Ghost cartoons). During the part when Casper begins to remember his previous life and how he died ... um ... I started to maybe tear up. (But shut up! I can still kick your ass!)

Anyway, it stars Christina Ricci. It made me think about Edlin because she's always getting teased about how she looks like Christina Ricci (because she does) and hates it. If only Edlin wasn't STILL mourning how some guy she likes moved away, I would've gone for her.

Anyway, after that, I stayed up until 5:00AM watching porn, but the kind with non-actors. It's a nice change of pace from that studio-produced, scripted stuff with actors doing scripted sex.

I did jack shit today. So I just walked around the Red Robin and Jazz was sitting against the window in the back where they spend their break. I stood there literally a couple feet from her, watching in that gay Edward Cullen sort of way. If anyone asked, my excuse would've been I was listening to the restaurant's sound system. I listened to the songs just in case (1 of them was Counting Crows' Accidentally in Love from the Shrek soundtrack). I noticed Jazz had typical girly arms, which are skinny. She was just talking on her phone. Finally she went back to work. Then I went home.

Louis' (from Capoeira) Birthday party at Mission Bowl was tonight. His Birthday was last Thursday. Apparently, Angel's was 2 weeks ago, but Andres implied that we'd still be jumping them in the Capoeira tradition. But I didn't feel like driving to Louis' party. I'd rather be extracting the database.

Black Friday

My mommy woke me up to see if I wanted to do some Black Friday shopping. I remember saying, "Yeah" and immediately going back to sleep. I woke later, had some Thanksgiving leftovers for breakfast (albeit in the afternoon) and caught up with my mommy at the mall. We ate at McDonalds where I had a McRib sandwich for the 1st time. Then she went to work but I stayed behind to do a database run.

Sad news: Sword in the Stone went out of business. That was my go-to store whenever I couldn't think of what present to get for someone (i.e. Matt's double-sided knife, Stef's sword-letter-opener, my mommy's pepper spray).

Jazz wasn't working tonight. But I noticed some cute white girl walk into the Red Robin. She had 2 black friends with her (or maybe 1 of them was Indian, not sure). And later on, that same chick would keep passing by me at different parts of the mall. It was like God wanted me to put her in my database. She was blond - hard to tell if bottle blonde or natural or both, wore blue plaid, beige pants, and sneakers. One time, I was heading to the restroom and so was she. She was stuck in line for the women's whereas the men's had no line. If only this was a porn film, we would've exchanged cheasy dialogue, invited her to use the men's restroom so she wouldn't have to wait in line, the handicap stall would've been available since it's the most spacious, and bow chicka wow wow. But nooo. In this real life, I just watched her fade away into the parking lot while I held on to what was left of my erection.

I went to Hot Topic. This employee named Danielle, who holds me over whenever Jazz isn't working, wasn't there either. But this chick who's tatted up, and who's been working there for a while, was. Only tonight did I realize that she's actually a butterface. I don't know, maybe she needs to pluck her eyebrows or the hair's been damaged by too much black hair dye, but I'd prefer to be wasted if I ever had to fuck her. If only this was a porn film, she would've been storing alcohol in the backroom (because the workers seem like the type), invited me to do some shots, there would've been some corny reason to look at something in the fitting room, and bow chicka wow wow ... even if it's in positions were I wouldn't have to look at her face. But nooo. In this real life, I just looked at her from behind as she folded clothing in the Twilight merchandise section.

I was at the Americana when I saw Veronica (chick from my childhood, appears African, but considered Filipina since she was raised by her Filipina mom). Holy crap, she's suddenly pregnant. But she's not married! Last time I saw her, I was eating at the Cheesecake Factory (Veronica's a waitress there) with my mommy and Carlos and Michelle before they moved away. I remember hoping that none of them caught me staring at Veronica's ass while I thought to myself, I'd hit it. So when I saw her tonight, I was jealous that I didn't get to before she got knocked up. If only this was a porn film ... nevermind, any hypothetical sex situations involving pregnant chicks might sound disgusting.

Thanksgiving

What the F? I woke up after having a dream that I was having sex with Kelly Osbourne. I guess I was still thinking about how she should've won this season's Dancing with the Stars last Tuesday. Should've.

Anyway, today's Thanksgiving, my 2nd favorite holiday of the year (after Halloween). I just like to eat. My mommy sent me to some Filipino food store called Arko to pick up egg rolls and goat. Then I went to Ralph's to buy distilled water.

There was this chick standing next to me in line that I had to put in my database. She had light brown hair, a bad perm, about my height, and "an older woman" type of face. Wasn't sure if she was armenian because sometimes it's hard to tell these days, but if she was, I would've fucked her only out of spite. Now if this was a porn film, we would've exchanged cheesy dialogue, there would've been some corny reason to go back to her car or mine, and bow chicka wow wow (even though it would've been crowded since we're the same height). But nooo. In this real life, I just paid for my stuff and left.

I went to McDonald's for my junk food fix. There was this employee that I had to put in my database. She was some kind of latina with a pretty face.

RYAN: May I have a refill of orange soda?
CHICK: [Taking my cup] Sure. Hold on to your lid please.

I actually exchanged dialogue with her! Score! If only this was a porn film, we would've exchanged cheesy metaphors comparing sex to her refilling my cup, there would've been a pretentiously corny reason for us to end up in the backroom, and bow chicka wow wow. But nooo. In this real life, she refilled my cup, I said, "Thank you," and went home.

I had to stop by Ralph's again to pick up paper plates. My cousin Mark and my niece Mikaela were at my house. For the 1st time, Mikaela was able to not cry around me. She had always thought I looked like a villain out of a cartoon and cried out of fear whenever I came around. Hiro, my friend from Japan who had nowhere to go, arrived next. I grubbed on turkey with cranberry sauce, ham with tantalizing mustard, cranberry juice, fruit salad, coconut pastries, pumpkin pie, coffee, and cousin Andree's Birthday cake (fruit tart from Porto's Bakery).

I see your true colors shining through

Stopped by Baja Fresh for some nachos before finally going to Capoeira training today. The Glendale Marketplace was blasting Paul Van Dyk's Sandstorm. I've been having trouble making the earlier 4:00PM start time, but training today started at 5:30PM. So I thought I was finally gonna be early ... but no. Of all days, there was mad traffic. Something about heavy winds on the 118 forced everyone to clog the 210 freeway.

I finally saw the new room we landed. Today's class: Andres, Angel, Jesse II, Louis, Diana, and Brian (not to be confused with Brian at the GNC). Brian, who had to leave for Utah last summer, was in town for Thanksgiving break.

For my own boring reference, the 1st combo we drilled: meia lua de frente (inside ax kick), armada (spin kick), esquiva (dodge), meia lua de compasso (low spin kick). 2nd combo: meia lua de frente, armada, quexiada (ax kick), switch stance, meia lua de compasso. Then we played. Then the higher-ups interrupted us because they had to close the facility. And we continued playing outside. In my last game, I was playing Angel and my pants were falling down, but Jesse II bailed me out.

Then we talked:

• Brian says there's nothing to do in Utah except that a chick told him the clubs are in the city and "there's exstacy."
• In a lot of schools in Utah, boys and girls have Bibles placed between them while dancing to make sure they don't get too close.
• Everytime Andres joked about cutting a hole through the Bible to "hook up" while dancing, he eerily found new blood on his forehead.
• Andres' overly-Christian mom once freaked out when Andres placed another book on top of the Bible.
• Andres was once set up to check out a transvestite while in Brazil.
• A chick's ass implants went terribly wrong that they look like hamstrings.
• I shared the chapter of my life when I had to go out with a stripper.
• Girls Gone Wild is boring as it's just girls flashing for a shirt, which they do so quickly that the editors have to replay it in slow motion and pause it.
• Rebuked Diana's claim that she saw a Brazilian chick with no ass since "there's no such thing" and I reinforced it with, "I watch the [Brazilian] porn. Chicks have ass!".
• Andres FINALLY looked up the naked pics of Ashley Greene (Alice Cullen from Twilight) - saying, "I like Alice!" - and said he thought of me since I was 1st to break the news of it.
• Andres reenacted a scene from New Moon where Jacob Black takes off his shirt in slow motion with the cameras on his abs to wrap it around Bella's bleeding head.
• I shared how, whenever I have to shake hands with someone I don't like, I rub my hand down my crotch first out of spite.
• Somehow Andres hand went into Angel's mouth during their handshake and that's the new joke.

Ended the day with an all new episode of Glee that featured their cover of Cyndi Lauper's True Colors and then The Ultimate Fighter.

Mark Dacascos vs. Chuck Liddell

Rocked out in guitar practice again. Same song. Damn, Soleares is a LONG song to get through. And I just found out it's actually Flamenco (I've been calling it Classical this whole time).

I was about to go to the gym early to hit the weights, but stayed home instead to watch the Dancing with the Stars finale. Kelly Osbourne was robbed! Sure, Donny Osmond is an ok winner. And Maya was forgettable. But Osbourne was robbed!

BUT the most important part of the finale was bringing back past contestants of the season and giving us Mark Dacascos (of Martial Arts B-movies fame) vs. Chuck Liddell (retired UFC fighter):



HO.LY.FUCK!

Going to the gym to lift weights now.

Wheat germ and milk

I was supposed to go to Capoeira training today, but this earlier start time isn't working for me. Went to the gym to do calisthenics. Ended the day with Chinese food my mommy brought home for dinner while watching WWE Raw. Gives me a chance to catch up on yesterday ...

Woke up yesterday at 2:00PM. My mommy called me to make sure I go to church. She was in Las Vegas for the weekend with family, but I stayed behind for Chris' Birthday party (PWG was just a bonus).

Went to church and then Red Robin afterward for dinner. Good news: Jazz was there. Bad news: She wasn't my waitress. Dammit.

The hostess who sat me down noticed I was wearing my Hermione shirt and ranted about how she's a big Harry Potter fan and how she has both the Gryffindor and Ravenclaw uniforms. She was ... eh ... all right looking, I guess. My waitress was named Liz. I recognized her from this 1 time when she stood next to me at the mall's guest services table and asked me if it was still open. I said, "No." And she remarked, "Fuck." And I was like, "Ooh ... a Red Robin employee said, 'fuck.'" Liz was also ... eh ... all right looking, I guess. Not necessarily un-sober-fuckable, but I'd prefer to be drunk if I had to fuck her.

There was this new employee with glasses who was kind of cute, I guess, but not like Jazz, though. I caught the glasses-wearing chick and an employee dude staring at each other with bedroom eyes. Ha. I wonder what goes on in the backroom there. And I caught another employee dude say "shit."

Anyway, Liz can't make a Freckled Lemonade for shit. It kept coming out yellow because she kept making it backwards. You're supposed to pour the strawberries and syrup 1st and the lemonade last to turn it pink, not the other way around. I gave her a low tip because of that. But she offered to give me a Freckled Lemonade to take home. When I got home, I found out it was overloaded with strawberries and syrup and very pink, perhaps her way of saying sorry. Damn, I feel bad about giving her a low tip now.

But everytime Jazz passed by, I reached my hand deep down into my pants and touched myself (thank God for being covered by the table). If this was a porn film, Jazz would've been my waitress. We would've exchanged cheesy dialogue like that in porn movies and there would've been some corny reason for her to come back to my place because no one was home and ... bow chicka wow wow. But nooo. In this real life, I went home to fire up the porn and then extract the database ... BUT before I could do anything, my mommy came home 1 hour earlier than expected. Cockblock! But thank God I wasn't busting a #3 in the living room where I would've been caught with my pants down.

The morning after B.O.L.A. and Chris' 34th BDay Party

Last night, I picked up Matt, headed for night 2 of PWG's Battle Of Los Angeles, and called Chad when I got there ...

CHAD: Oh, yeah, I decided not to go. I'm at home right now.
RYAN: What the hell are you doing at home? Jacking off?
CHAD: Yup. You know to who.

Speaking of which, that 1 chick at PWG shows who Chad and I both have in common in our databases showed up. So Chad missed out. It was just Matt, James from the night before, his friend Christian, and I. And I can't believe they ran out of beer on tap after just 3 matches! Blasphemy! We had to request filling a pitcher with bottled beer, but at least it was Sam Adams. Tornado talked to me during intermission. I guess I'm still in the in-crowd.

We were not feeling the main event of Roderick Strong vs. Kenny Omega that Matt said, "If they go longer than 25 minutes, we're leaving." But I corrected him, "20 minutes." I timed it. Coincidentally, they finished in 20 minutes flat at 12:01AM! Wow, they must've heard us. Stopped by Wendy's fast food, took Matt home, and Fast and Furious-ed it to Anaheim for Chris' 34th Birthday party really late. Made it there in 32 minutes - a personal record!


I quickly ate everything I saw (mostly tacos) to make up for not eating the whole day, did a bunch of shots, drunkenly wore Chris' hard hat, and finally gave Heather a shooter from Las Vegas that was supposed to be her Birthday gift 2 years ago that I just kept forgetting to bring whenever I saw her.



MARELIS: It's about time you came! Don't make me take back this magazine!

Marelis was cleaning out her office when she found some magazine with Kelly Clarkson on the cover and the 1st thing she thought of was giving it to me. And she did. Yay.



Since it was past midnight, it was officially Judy's Birthday. But Judy (right) and her wife, Lauren (left), passed out quick. Still, we managed to get Judy to drink a shot while unconscious.



For his Birthday gift, I gave Chris a bottle of wine at my mommy's suggestion. We were in the kitchen while Heather and Shaun were arguing next to us and I commented on Chris' facebook, "Dude, we're in your kitchen. I'm eating an apple cinnamon airhead. And you're still fucked up." He commented back, "I'm so fucked up and everybody is mad!"



That's Kat, my B.F.F. Her family lives down the street from Kelly Clarkson's family in Texas. Hence, why she's my B.F.F.

RYAN: So anytime you wanna take a roadtrip to visit your family, just let me know.
KAT: I might go in January.
RYAN: Dammit, I might be in the Philippines still.



That's Kat's boyfriend Shaun and I doing a gunshow pose down. I then heard some new stories about our old friend John (also Marelis' ex).

SHAUN: 2 weeks into my relationship with Kat, John said to me, "If it weren't for you, I'd be dating Kat right now."
RYAN: Was he drunk?
SHAUN: That's the same thing Marelis asked. But no. He was stone cold sober!
RYAN: What a dick!



This seems to be a tradition. Every year at his Birthday party, Chris would pass out and Shaun and I would take pics of ourselves next to a passed out Chris.



And that's my turn.

I also heard a new story about Mark. Apparently, last year, Mark brought them what was supposed to be happy medications. But when everyone woke up the next morning with no memory of the night before, they deduced that the meds must've been roofies! And since Judy had taken naked pics of Heather, Heather made Judy throw away her camera. But Heather bought Judy a more updated and expensive camera.

In other news, Shaun is the descendant of a past King of Scotland. I got home at 6:00AM. Way too tired to extract the database. Knocked out instead.

Battle of Los Angeles (night 2)

Last night, I hung out with Chad and James (Brandon's friend whom I met last PWG show). Despite calling me a few days ago to remind me about PWG, Brandon somehow forgot it was this weekend and took a road trip to San Francisco.

Once again, the asian bartender was talking to me. I should probably learn her name by now. She noticed I was wearing my Hermione shirt ...

ASIAN BARTENDER: Are you serious? (Silence.) That is so wrong! Only 'cause she was still a teen when that image was taken.

It was an outrage that all they had on tap was Bud and Miller. AND they ran out of each, so they had to mix them! Plus, they automatically assumed since I was retuning 2 pitchers that I wanted both refilled. So I had 2 pitchers, each a mixture of Bud and Miller. But at least Lisa, the bartender who's been in my database for a long time now, spoke to me ...

LISA: Tell our friends in Nebraska that we said "hi" and we miss them.
RYAN: I will!

I exchanged 2 lines of dialogue with her. Score! Fuck it, both bartenders are in my database (since the asian one's always put effort trying to talk to me). I have enough alone time on my hands.

CHAD: The last time we sat together at a show was last summer with Carlos and Michelle. We were fucked up. Remember how we were talking to the wrestlers? Oh, remember how we met that chick Buggy?

Ah, if he only knew. Buggy wasn't at PWG last night. I guess she's still sick with the flu. I wonder if she'll still stalk me since announcing 3 days ago that she got in a relationship with 1 of the local wrestlers. It's flattering how there was dialogue between us on her facebook wherein she implied that she liked me, but had to hide it once she got in an official relationship. It gave me that "the other guy" type of feel. Flattering. Oh well. Her friend Krystal was cuter anyway. Speaking of which ...

CHAD: Hey, that chick (Buggy's friend, Krystal) looks like Socal Val.
RYAN: Socal Val's too high maintenance.
CHAD: Yeah, she don't even look that good.
RYAN: But I'd jack off to her (Krystal).
CHAD: I would too!

That chick who used to wear a flower on her ear and who sits in the back row was there too. Renewed in my database.

Watching Pineapple Express on TV now. Today's plan: Pick up Matt to go to Battle of Los Angeles night 2. And then show up to Chris' Birthday party in Anaheim really late.

Battle of Los Angeles (night 1)

The plan was to pick up Matt, then go to Capoeira training, and then PWG's Battle of Los Angeles since it's nearby to Capoeira training. That didn't happen.

Matt had to cancel. My mommy brought home some halo-halo from the Filipino food store just when I was supposed to leave for training. I stayed a little longer to eat it. By the time I was done eating, I didn't feel like showing up really late for training. I watched an all new Degrassi instead.

Chad just called me and he's in the Pasadena area on his way to PWG. I told him I'd be there at 6:00PM. But I feel like stopping by the Red Robin first to renew Jazz in my database since she's working tonight. 6:30PM it is. I'm on my way.

A double-you-tee-ef dream

Ok, so apparently I had a nocturnal emission last night. The problem is that I don't even remember having any dreams last night. All I remember was going to sleep and then waking up having to change my pajamas. That's not fair. If that's going to happen, I'd like to remember why I have to change my pajamas. I'm calling it a "double-you-tee-ef" dream.

It's my homeboy Chris' 34th Birthday. Fuck, that's old. I just have to figure out how I'm going to be in 2 places at the same time on Saturday night: his Birthday party in Anaheim and night 2 of PWG's Battle of Los Angeles.

Anyway, today was a great weight-lifting day at the gym.

I'll Stand By You

Late last night/early this morning at the gym, I was doing my calisthenics when a cop walked in looking for someone. He didn't say who, but only 1 person comes to mind: Datu. Let's review: Datu's a regular customer at the GNC who disappears periodically because he was either in the hospital or in jail. He's required to remain on medications. Last time he was arrested, it was for masturbating outside of a club in Glendale called Giggles while on cocaine.

I found out the following conversation took place after I left:

IAM: I can't tell if that's a guy or a girl because he or she has bitch tits.
GUY WITH BITCH TITS: (overhears) What are you guys talking about over there?
IAM: We're talking about your bitch tits.
GUY WITH BITCH TITS: This is a chest.
IAM: Do you prefer the term "man boobs?" It's not supposed to hang down like that.
[nervous silence]
GUY WITH BITCH TITS: I guess I'll increase my cardio.

I had a nutella crepe today with strawberries, bananas, and whip cream. It was bomb. I also took my sweet time eating it that I texted Andres I'd be late to Capoeira practice.

When I finally got there 50 minutes late (and there was traffic today when there's never traffic), I found Andres, Louis, Diana, and Jesse II in the recreation center of the park. Andres finally convinced management to give us a space to train indoors! But we do have to prove that we can draw more students. Anyway, there was no training today because it was so damn cold. And I promised Diana that I'd treat her as "1 of the boys with no special treatment" because she got fed up with being excluded whenever we guys share "guy stories."

I called Carlos while I was at the mall:

CARLOS: Are you gonna ask Jazz out?
RYAN: Um, I just have to try to catch her when she's not busy.
CARLOS: Are you walking around the Red Robin right now?
RYAN: (coincidentally walking around the Red Robin) Um, no. But I'm walking there right now.

I visited Brian at the GNC. Edna, the director of The Forgotten Jewel, which I worked on as a stuntman, called me to make sure she spelled my name correctly in the credits. Then this security guard named Ken walked in. He's a guy I knocked out with a roundhouse kick to the head during a fight 10 years ago. Ken shook hands with Brian. So then I rubbed my hand all over my dick before shaking hands with Ken out of spite. Then Brian's new girl, Tu, stopped by to grab Brian's balls to give him blue balls before leaving for the night.

I ended the night with watching Orianthi Panagaris, who was Michael Jackson's lead guitarist in his movie This Is It and whom I later busted a #3 to, perform on Dancing with the Stars. Then an all new episode of Glee where they covered The Pretenders' I'll Stand By You. Lastly, The Ultimate Fighter on Spike TV.