You know what's awesome? Busting a #3 while so wasted that your penis is almost numb, so you last a lot longer.
I arrived at my LSAT class at 11:30AM (it started at 10:00AM), proudly in my pajamas AND carrying cupcakes! I was able to spot Ben smiling at me through the tinted windows. I ran into Beatrize in the hallway.
BEATRIZE: Hey, you're late.
(Oh, like she's one to talk. She's arrived at noon for this 10:00 class.)
RYAN: It's my Birthday.
BEATRIZE: It's your Birthday? [Hugs me.]
I got a boner.
RYAN: I'm hungover.
BEATRIZE: I can tell. [On her phone] There's this guy in my class, it's his Birthday and he brought us cupcakes. He's so sweet.
RYAN: Yes, I am.
I walked into class ...
EVERYONE: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
That seriously startled me. Ben had arranged that.
VANESSA: I like your Ralph Lauren pajamas.
RYAN: Thanks.
GINGER: Are these cupcakes gonna make class more fun?
RYAN: Why, yes they are.
I wouldn't tell anyone how old I was.
BEN: He's 19.
SISSY: He can't be. He was drunk!
GINGER: That doesn't mean anything!
SISSY: Wait a minute, a whole room of wannabe-lawyers can't --
BRADY: We're defense attorneys.
SISSY: But you shouldn't have to defend yourselves.
Then I slept-walked through our quiz. I kept getting text messages greeting me. Ben sung his rendition of Birthday Text to the tune of Birthday Sex.
SISSY: Did you finish your quiz?
RYAN: No.
SISSY: Did you even start?
RYAN: Yeah, yeah.
SISSY: Just making sure.
JACKIE: Did you make these?
RYAN: Well, I put extra sprinkling on them, so I guess I can take some credit.
JACKIE: These are really good!
Score!
Mommy and I went to Olive Garden for lunch. Our waitress' name was Sofya P (according to the receipt). She was really cute in that girl-next-door sort of way. She's in my database. She even sang Happy Birthday to me and volunteered to take my pics with my cake with my camera phone. I need to honor her by blowing the hugest load to her.
I went to circle around the Red Robin and saw Jazz. Now it's a Birthday! She's renewed in my database.
Richard took me to a bar called The Scene in North Hollywood. It has the coolest bartender/owner. His name's Doc. He gave me a free shot of Jager ("You're doing Jager whether you like it or not!") to start my night and later a free beer on tap to end my night. Other than an Incredible Hulk, I can't remember the other drinks I had. But there were many. Richard introduced me to two more of his friends - Brian (obviously not the same as Brian at the GNC) and Karren - a boyfriend/girlfriend couple. Karren bought me a drink.
BRIAN: Guess what I did for my Birthday?
KARREN: He had a 3-some.
RYAN: How the hell do I have a 3-some one time, but not for my Birthday?
BRIAN: You need to get a bisexual girlfriend.
This cool guy named Garry was bashing people's song choices on kareoke. This lesbian was wearing a Kid Rock shirt and rocked some Kid Rock on kareoke. And then there was some blond chick in a blue blouse, short shorts, and boots.
BRIAN: She's hot.
RYAN: She's so in my database.
KARREN: [Laughs.]
BRIAN: You mean your spank bank?
BRIAN: Richard, we need to get you laid this one night. If we fail, Karren will just have sex with you.
Then I met Doc's wife Bonnie.
DOC: Do you have a girlfriend?
RYAN: Define "girlfriend."
BONNIE: I like that!
And then Doc made his hot wife Bonnie kiss me for my Birthday.
DOC: That was sloppy! Do it again!
Twice.
Richard and I took Brian and Karren home, pulled over somewhere to pee and throw up, and I passed out at home before I can even extract my database. Boo.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment