My mommy couldn't wake up for church at 12:00PM, despite her constantly reminding me to go. Ha. It's cousin Philip's Birthday today in the Philippines. Gosh I miss my cousin who'd buy me everything because he kept taxing Chinese people (whom he hates) and thus had more money than he knew what to do with.
My mommy and I went to the Hilton for the all-you-can-eat buffet for the 2nd time ever. We had the same waiter as last time and he recognized us (see entry 12-3-09). I texted Philip:
Hello Philip. Happy Birthday. My mommy and I are eating at a buffet right now to celebrate your Birthday. Really, I just needed an excuse to eat buffet.
He texted back:
Thank you. We are on our way to shangrila hotel to celebrate my birthday. Btw, my mom's cancer had already spread to her lungs and trachea. Pls relay to your mom. Regards to her.
Aw. I ate a lobster, prime rib, lamb, crabs, sushi, sashima, miscellaneous seafood, salad, some fruits and vegetables, and a bunch of desserts. The only tragedy was that they didn't have crepes today. Boo!
I ended the night by watching the 52nd annual Grammy Awards. Celine Deon was cool during the Michael Jackson tribute. Aubrey Graham, or "Drake," will always be Jimmy Brooks from Degrassi to me. And it was awesome how he was rapping with my favorite rapper of all time, Eminem!
I left my house at 1:15PM for the Krav Maga center in West L.A. to redeem my 2-week pass and to attend the intro class at 2:30PM. But with traffic on the 10 freeway and accidentally exiting on Bundy south instead of Bundy north (Who the hell designs an exit to split into opposite directions anyway?), I arrived at exactly 2:30PM, which meant I was a few minutes late to class because I still had to change. But it went like this:
We started by partnering up and playing a game of tag. Rules: You could only tag the shoulder. You couldn't block, but only dodge. Then switched partners.
Some asian kid was trying too hard to be a hard ass, but looked like I could easily knock him out.
Then it was a free-for-all with the game of tag.
Then 5 push-ups, but an additional 5 until everyone was counting loud enough. Then stomach crunches and jumping jacks
There were a lot of similarities to the Street Fighting course that I trained in in the Philippines with the footwork.
At this point, 1 of the teachers talks to me.
TEACHER 2: Have you done any other martial arts before? RYAN: Yeah. TEACHER 2: I notice you have a basic understanding of form. What have you done? RYAN: Filipino Martial Arts, Capoeira ... TEACHER 2: When you say Filipino Martial Arts, you mean like Kali? RYAN: Yeah. [Teacher looks impressed]
Continuing on:
"There's no jab-cross in Krav Maga. Just a knock-out punch. I'm not punching his face ... I'm punching through his face."
Then we drilled punching the pads nonstop on our feet, on our knees, and standing over the opponent.
"When we kick the groin, we're actually trying to kick [up to] the head ... the problem is the groin's in the way!"
Then we drilled kicking the pads nonstop.
TEACHER 2: (at me) What I want you to do, since your form's good, is kick it harder and faster.
We drilled clinching - in which 1 hand clasps behind the attacker's tricep and the other behind their shoulder - and pulling them into our knee strike.
In real life, our finger nails should dig into their flesh when we clinch.
Teacher #2 suggested keeping my foot pointed downward when I throw the knee so that it would launch like a spear.
Since our hand clasping behind their tricep tends to be weak, our other forearm should stay strong against their chest, which also prevents them from shooting in.
The counter againt a choke is to pull their hands apart with the same force as doing a lat pulldown at the gym, while maintaining forward pressure, and simultaneously kicking the groin.
We were then free to improvise any combo after pulling the choke apart and kick to the groin.
TEACHER 1: I was at a bar once and I was wearing my Krav Maga shirt. And some guy comes up to me and says, "Oh, you're a tough guy, huh?" And he tries to choke me and I do this [palm strike to the chin] and that knocked him out!
Moral of the story: The purpose of every move in the combos we drilled was just in case the preceeding move didn't work. In real life, the 1st move is very possible to result in knockout.
TEACHER 1: And, no, I'm not a tough guy!
After class, I collected my 1-week pass (which they originally said was a 2-week pass, but the 2nd week was only redeemable if I signed up - classic Jewish). Then I hurried home to shower, eat and pick up Matt for the PWG show at Wrestle Reunion.
RYAN: I invented a new combo today when countering a choke: pull the choke apart, simultaneous kick to the groin, elbow to the throat, headbutt to the nose, bite the neck. MATT: You see what that Twilight did to you!
The biggest challenge was finding parking. Finally, at the lowest level of the parking lot where there was barely any oxygen, we were forced to make up our own parking spot. We sat next to Chad who happened to have 2 seats by him. Peter and his friend remained standing in a corner. All the regular faces were there.
RYAN: (at Chad) You see that chick that we both jack off to. Later ... CHAD: I saw her. I was all accidentally bumping into people while staring at her!
Highlights: The Great Muta and Rob Van Dam. The end. Matt and I got McDonalds near his house and called it a night.
Smallville finally returned from break with an all new episode. The Green Arrow's old mentor, the badass Dark Archer (guest star Steve Bacic), returns to haunt him and so there's some sick arrow-slinging action! This was followed by a rerun of Smallville. Therefore, we had 2 hours of Smallville! And that, my friends, is my Friday night.
I packed chicken adobo, baby bel cheese, chocolate soy milk, and water in my bag. I watched The Book of Eli at 3:55PM. I thought I was late, but it was just starting when I walked in, meaning the previews either started late or actually were 18 minutes long. It's enjoyable as long as you're not aethist. If you are, sucks to be you (in terms of watching this movie). Then snuck in to Legion at 6:15PM. Also biblically apocalyptic. Then finished with Sherlock Holmes at 8:05PM. Who's bad?
I met with Edna, the director of The Forgotten Jewel, at the park across the street from Glendale Community College for my interview for the film's bonus features.
EDNA: (as interviewer) So how did you get on the film? RYAN: Well, I was sitting under a tree when a fortune cookie hit me on the head. I opened it and it told me to get in my car. I didn't know where to drive to, but I ran out of gas in Arcadia in front of that Shaolin temple-thingie where the film was being shot. EDNA: Cut. [laughing] Is that true? RYAN: No.
The last question was my favorite.
EDNA: Tell us something about yourself. RYAN: I like to eat a lot without getting fat and everyone hates me for it.
I spent the afternoon uploading pics from my camera from The Philippines and anything after that. I'll share them later.
I went to the Red Robin. Jazz was there. The chick at the front asked me if the booth at the left was ok to sit in. Damn it. I neglected to check out which tables Jazz was serving. Careless, careless, careless me! I said, "Ok." But as luck would have it, Jazz was serving the tables at the right. (sarcastically) Of course. I was stuck with some douchebag waiter named Erick who tried to look cool by not writing stuff down ...
RYAN: Chili chili cheese burger. Freckled lemonade. ERICK: How would you like that cooked? RYAN: Medium. ERICK: Ice tea? RYAN: Huh? ERICK: Ice tea? RYAN: What? ERICK: The drink. Was it ice tea? RYAN: Freckled lemonade. ERICK: Oh yeah! My bad. I'm confusing you.
But every time she walked by, I made damn sure to reach down my pants for a victory jerk with my jacket over my lap. So stealthy.
The rain came back as it has been for I-don't-know-how-long now. I seriously miss the Philippines' weather. Edna, the director I worked with on The Forgotten Jewel, called to ask if she could interview me tomorrow for the bonus features.
I ate at Subway for the 1st time since I've been back in the US. As I was parking my car, I got a phone call from a "Christine from Krav Maga." Remember when I put my name in the box at the Krav Maga booth at the LA Fitness Expo last Sunday for a chance to win a 2-week pass? I won. Sweet! I have to come in this Saturday at 2:30PM for a 90-minute intro class. I called Matt to tell him the news while I was eating my steak and cheese sandwich with spicy chipotle sun chips and green tea. He says he's still down for the wrestling show on Saturday. And I'm supposed to call him back to tell him about Daniel Puder at the Expo. While pulling out of the driveway, Dave (the rockstar) called me.
DAVE: What are you doing fatboy? RYAN: Eating. DAVE: Yeah, I can hear you.
Dave asked me to videotape him and his new cover band performing at Cozy's Bar and Grill in Sherman Oaks at 9:00PM.
I visited Brian at the GNC where some security guard was there and we had an impromtu meeting about working on the security guard's short film. Brian's signed on as co-producer. They let me read the 15-page script.
SECURITY GUARD: (seeing I was already on page 2 in a few seconds) You're that fast of a reader?! BRIAN: (making up an excuse for me) He took speed-reading classes. RYAN: Actually, I didn't. BRIAN: Shut the fuck up, Ryan!
I had to slip out to get ready to videotape Dave's gig. They were looking for someone big to play an agent. They thought I had the look, but my face looked too young. The security guard suggested that annoying kid Emmanuel as a last resort.
RYAN: That's not gonna happen! BRIAN: That's not gonna happen! SECURITY GUARD: (saving himself) I already knew you were gonna say, "No." I just wanted to see everyone's facial expressions. I don't want everyone to quit now.
I got to the bar at 9:30PM. Dave told me to park across the street at Ralphs. The band was very cool about playing to my camera. Their set was 1 hour and 14 minutes. Even though they're a cover band, they wrote 1 original song. I saw a Hefeweizen on tap, which is Heather's favorite beer, and texted her:
At a bar working for a rock band rocking the stage. I saw a Hefeweizen on tap and thought of you. Now I'm drinking it :-)
Later, without the band, Dave sang Sweet Emotion by Aerosmith and Shook Me All Night Long by AC/DC.
I went back to the gym since not being able to finish my workout last Friday when my fever set in. But damn I was tired. I was dozing off while watching WWE Raw and now it's time to knock out since it just finished. Can't even stay awake for a late dinner. Yeah, that's my entire day.
The LA Fitness Expo was lots of fun. Had to pick up Dave (the rockstar, not the teacher). Oh, and I got sideswiped in the freeway.
So we were eating and drinking free samples left and right when Dave started feeling weird.
DAVE: I'm sober [for years] so I'm getting this weird buzz right now! I have no idea what I just put in my body! Later ... DAVE: I have no idea if all this stuff is supposed to mix together! It's having a weird reaction! Later ... DAVE: What if I die? What would the doctor say? "Um, he was really healthy. He overdosed from healthy products!"
That kid Johnny, who's also a regular at GNC, was there as well. And then I saw this chick named Candace who used to work at the gym. She was also working at this Expo last year. She's also jackoffable.
CANDACE: Don't you usually wear glasses? RYAN: Whenever I feel like it. DAVE: [butts in] That's what he tells all the girls. [starts ad libbing a bunch of jokes] CANDACE: Ooh, you got some good ones. I gotta start taking notes. [back at me] I like your hair!
She's never seen me with my hair down or with highlights. I mentioned that I've been overseas for the last couple of months and she assumed I was in the military. Ha. Anyway, she works for TMZ now and as I walked away she kept telling me she liked my hair. She's in my database.
Dave was hustling hard to get his music out to these MMA people when Daniel Puder walked up. Dave offered to take a picture of us. I brought up him legitimately putting Kurt Angle in a kimura (keylock) in a non-scripted segment on an episode of WWE Smackdown years ago.
RYAN: You putting Kurt Angle in a kimura was the best thing on WWE programming! DANIEL: I will never understand why they aired that! But it's why they fucked my contract. That's happened to me twice and I finally got Entertainment lawyers.
For some reason, Dave couldn't remember that moment.
DAVE: Where was I?
So Daniel Puder gave Dave his number, without Dave even asking for it, for info on Dave's rock shows. Cool! And it turns out a lot of MMA people play music. Josh Barnett was a contestant in the jujitsu matches. Nobody recognized him at 1st, explaining with the same reaction: He looked bigger on TV.
I entered my name in this box for a chance to win a 2-week pass for Krav Maga lessons. The most helpful info I received was that creatine monohydrate is not harmful as long as you're not loading it. It's fine as only pre-workout and post-workout. Creatine monohydrate it is.
I dropped Dave off at his parents' house.
DAVE: I'm coming down from all those products we took! RYAN: It's funny how you talk about'em like they're drugs. DAVE: They are! They're healthy drugs!
Dave's mom and dad are 82 and 89, respectively, but don't look it. We cleaned up my car from when it got sideswiped earlier. It doesn't look so bad. My mommy and I had dinner at Outback Steakhouse.
I woke up and my temperature was 97.0. Fever's gone. I can't imagine how the werewolves from Twilight have their natural body temperatures at 108! Now I have to find someone to go with me to the LA Fitness Expo. Masa cancelled. Hiro's busy studying. Mark's out of town. Brandon has to babysit a dog. Dave (the high school teacher) wants to watch some Football game. But Dave (the rockstar) was totally up for it. I went to church at 10:30AM while my mommy slept. I'm off to pick up Dave.
Morgan and Brandon said they FINALLY received my postcard, thus becoming the 4th household to receive my postcard. My mommy took my temperature and said it was 99.3 degrees, which is a slight fever. I was back to sleep by noon. I woke up a little before 7:00PM to eat because I could smell the tocino cooking in the kitchen even in my sleep. I took my temperature again. It was down to 98.7. I went back to sleep. I woke up to a text from dad saying they just finished eating lunch at Manila Hotel for his Birthday (the Philippines is 16 hours ahead). Now I'm sleeping some more.
Yesterday, I woke up after a dream that I was skateboarding in traffic in the streets.
Yesterday was simple: I started feeling dizzy at the gym, so I didn't finish my workout. I got home at 1:00PM and went to sleep. I woke up at 5:30 to eat and my mommy gave me a bunch of tylenol and vitamins. I was supposed to hang out with Brandon and his roommates Morgan and Hasel at their place, but had to cancel. Went back to sleep at 7:00PM. Woke up at 12:00AM to answer a call from my mommy and slept until 3:00AM. Took more tylenol and went back to bed. Now it's Saturday morning.
I woke up at 3:00AM unable to get back to sleep, feeling well rested. I guess it's because I took a 2-and-a-half-hour nap yesterday.
I got to the gym at around 9:00AM and everyone was being evacuated due to a gas leak in the laundry room. Employees came out feeling light-headed. The fire trucks arrived. I went to the other 24-Hour Fitness down the street.
On the way to the movies, I ran into a trio of bums - 2 guys, 1 girl.
GUY BUM: Can you spare anything? RYAN: [checks] I don't have any coins. GUY BUM: Fuck coins. Do you have a dollar? RYAN: Be honest with me, do you need this for alcohol? GUY BUM: I'm gonna be straight up with you. I need this for alcohol and cigarettes.
I gave him a dollar.
CHICK BUM: I love your hair.
She was kind of old, but I'd hit it.
I saw Avatar at 2:35PM, which was only available in IMAX 3D, then snuck into The Spy Next Door at 5:15PM starring Jackie Chan, and finally The Princess and the Frog at 7:00PM. I guess all the hype about Avatar was just the 3D. Other than that, it was basically the Dances With Wolves/Pocahontas story line, but the Native Americans had blue skin, were 10 feet tall and on another planet. The Spy Next Door was only good for Jackie Chan's action. The acting from everyone was horrible. By the time I was in Princess and the Frog, I was falling asleep in the theater.
Today, is "Baby Spice" Emma Bunton's (of Spice Girls fame) Birthday. She was my 1st crush while I 1st went through puberty. I'll comemorate this by busting a #3 later.
I woke up late today at 7:45AM, or late compared to previous days.
Tiwat was the 1st to say that he FINALLY received my postcard ... as soon as he got home from jail! Apparently, he got caught selling medications.
After feeling groggy from a 2-and-a-half hour nap, I decided to give it 1 more try. I did another patrol around the Red Robin and after 5 days of patrolling since I've been back, I finally saw Jazz for the 1st time since I left. I reached down my pants for a quick victory jerk before running to tell Brian at the GNC.
BRIAN: Well, you got your database ready for the weekend. RYAN: I got my work cut out. I also have your tweaker friend (see yesterday's entry) in my database. BRIAN: You could have a 3-some with them. RYAN: And I don't have to worry about you coming around the corner and catching me with my hand down my pants this time.
Brian became the 2nd person to tell me he finally got my postcard. But his grandmother happened to come upon it and became speechless seeing all the masturbation references! His dad got a kick out of it before finally relaying it to him. Iam confirmed to Brian that girls don't shave down there.
BRIAN: Iam told me, "Yeah, they don't care. 1 time, a girl wanted to have sex with me and I told her, 'You have to shave or trim 1st.' She came back the next day with it all trimmed."
Brian's friend Chad (not to be confused with fellow wrestling fan Chad) walked in to pick Brian up and welcomed me back with a smile as Brian had already told him my adventures. I did another database run with Jazz before heading home to catch the rest of American Idol.
I was doing groceries like a grown-up - buying 2 liters of milk, 3 apples, and a 6-pack of tomatoes - when Mark texted me to say he finally received my postcard (that makes him 3rd).
It's now 11:00PM Tuesday (U.S.A.)/3:00PM Wednesday (Philippines) - exactly the 1 week anniversary of the now legendary jujitsu match. To comemorate, I'm playing Taylor Swift's Love Story because it happened to play during the event and was sung along to by 1 of the people present. Weird, I know.
Anyway, last night, some chick was cowgirl on me while other chicks watched. I reversed to get on top of her ... and then I felt my body in the real world bust a #3. My mind was quickly sucked back into the real world as well and I opened my eyes. Yeah, it turned out to be a dream. The clock read 2:43AM. I tossed my underwear into my secret laundry for these occasions, changed into a new one and fell back to sleep.
I woke up at 6:45AM. Normally, I'd continue sleeping until I've had 8 hours. But this new "machine" Ryan - who's still in progress - got up, drank 4 glasses of water, finally returned to stock trading (since yesterday was closed), and went to the gym to work out pull muscles (with the exception of hips, which are push muscles). I'm still lost at the gym since everything was rearranged while I was gone. But all this was accomplished by noon. Nigga what!
I visited Brian at the GNC. He made fun of armos. Always fun to listen to. He shared a story of how some short bass player tried to instigate a fight with Mario because Mario couldn't see without his glasses. Mario beat him up (via faceplant after kicking out his leg) and also broke the glasses of the instigator's friend. And then I finally met this 40-something-year-old chick named Lana that Brian always talks about as she walked in ...
LANA: Blah, blah, blah ... [looks at me] Hey, he's cute. BRIAN: Oh, that's Ryan. He just came back to the country. He was gone for a while. LANA: Oh, welcome back. [Standing behind the counter, my left hand reaches down my pants and begins jerking my dragon] LANA: Blah, blah, blah ... heroin blah, blah, blah ... oxycotton ... My husband's going to jail soon and he's gonna start talking about the stuff I've done, so I gotta get rid of these marks (on arms). [Finally she was leaving] LANA: (at me) Nice meeting you. (at Brian) See you later. [closes door] BRIAN: So that was ... [walking around the counter] RYAN: Wait, don't -- BRIAN: [seeing my hand down my pants] AHHH! RYAN: Um, yeah, I'd hit it.
BRIAN: So that was Lana, whom I've always talked about. She's a heroin addict. She's got boyfriends and a husband. She has a daughter, but she's a lesbian. RYAN: Is she cute? BRIAN: No. The lesbian daughter's girlfriend is cuter. Anyway, there was a time when Lana came in here and she was like, "Don't hug me. My husband's in the car. He thinks I'm here to give you a blowjob."
I was about to buy a Subway sandwich when my mommy offered dinner. We went to Granville Cafe. I had my usual Rustic Rib Eye sandwich with sweet potato fries. I tried the tortilla soup and berry lemonade. It wasn't bad. Like I said before, the boss must be a dude because almost every employee at Granville is a jackoffable chick.
I went back to visit Brian at the GNC. A few dudes were there talking about something that I guessed correctly.
RYAN: Are you talking about pheromones? BRIAN: Exactly! Even he knows about it.
This kid, Saul, needed advice to talk to this chick. Brian bragged about me.
BRIAN: This guy (me) is on a tear! He made out with a lesbian last year who had a girlfriend! SOME SECURITY GUARD: It's the hair! I have hair everywhere on my body except on my head, where it matters most! RYAN: You know, you can transplant hair from your body onto your head. BRIAN: Yeah, have some pubes on your head.
There's no more free parking from Monday-Thursday at the Americana. The management must be fucking jewish. But I read some magazine called Teen Prom with Ashley Greene (Alice Cullen on Twilight) on the cover at Barnes & Noble. I was knocking out because the chair was so comfy and I've been up since 6:45AM.
Mommy's talking to dad in the Philippines on the phone right now. Dad was talking to me ... until Malou had something "urgent" to tell my mommy. They're talking about recent happenings in Filipino soap operas now. Oh, and somehow my Twilight shirt got mixed with my dad's laundry and is still in the Philippines. I'll have to have them Fed-Ex it to me. But to commemorate the now legendary jujitsu match, I leave you with Taylor Swift's Love Story:
I woke up from a dream that I was hanging out with friends to watch a movie. But I was able to step into the movie. The movie had an ensemble cast of Cam Gigandet, Ted Raimi, Vanessa Hudgens, and others. End of dream. Weird.
I woke up at 6:00AM. Must be traces of the jet lag, but I'm keeping it. My mommy was leaving for her 1st day back at work.
RYAN: Hey mom? MOMMY: What? RYAN: (tauntingly) You're going to work, you're going to work, you're going to work ... MOMMY: What did you want to tell me? RYAN: Nothing. MOMMY: [smacks me]
I went to go back to my work as well, which is stock trading ... and got the following message:
The market and all offices are closed today in observance of Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
I fixed my own breakfast now that there are no more maids like in the Philippines. There was no milk, but I used chocolate soy milk that was lying around in the garage for cereal. Yay resourcefulness! I mixed it with some wheat germ, cooked some eggs and rice, had my green tea, and listened to Taylor Swift's Love Story to get hyped up for the gym!
Everything's been rearranged in the gym. I lifted weights for the 1st time since leaving in early December. On my way out, I saw Dennis, who works at the other branch of 24 Hour Fitness down the street that actually stays open 24 hours a day. He said he quit his 2nd job at Cheesecake Factory last Friday.
DENNIS: What was the weather like [in the Philippines]? RYAN: It's summer all year round. I was walking around with no shirt on, trying to keep cool, and still sweating nonstop ... and then I come back to this! (referring to the rain) DENNIS: You've been gone for a while. You're looking a little tanned.
I ate lunch at home and then knocked out. So much for going back to do a 2nd workout at the gym. I got a text from Capoeira teacher Andres saying:
Hey guys, im sorry 2 say this but class is canceled due 2 the holiday. power 2 the people.
So thoughtful they kept me on the contact list while I was gone. They don't know I'm back yet. I'll start training again at the beginning of February just to milk more free time.
I visited Brian at the GNC and shared more adventures. I left it To Be Continued to eat dinner at Baja Fresh. When I came back, that annoying kid Emmanuel was there. According to him, chicks in Africa don't do blowjobs. I finished my tale. Then Brian shared how he burned his brother twice.
BRIAN: So the 'lil Asian girl (Thu) was giving me a blowjob. I told her I was about to cum. She said, "OK, just tell me when." I didn't know what she was gonna do, if she was gonna swallow it or catch it ... So I tell her I'm cumming and she says, "Grab a towel." Well, there was no towel. I grabbed the 1st thing I saw, which was my brother's favorite blanket! He does not let anyone touch that blanket! The next day, he found his blanket all crusty and he busted me. RYAN: Cool! BRIAN: The 2nd time, I told Thu, "Hey, you gotta bounce at 9. My boys are picking me up." So I change my clothes and she says, "You should've changed in front of me so I could've seen you naked." So she rips off my pants and starts jacking me off and I'm like, "Ok, that's enough." The next night, we come back to my house and my brother is there with his girlfriend. So we go to another room, I bang her, and I grabbed the 1st thing I saw ... which was my brother's shirt.
At this point, Brian's brother pulled up to the curb to pick him up.
BRIAN: So I burned him twice. But he doesn't know about the shirt yet.
Brian's brother honked his horn for Brian to get in the car. I ended the night with WWE RAW. Happy Martin Luther King, Jr. Day!
I forgot to say that so far 3 people have said my face cleared up: Auntie Aida, Auntie Bella, and Brian's new girl Thu.
THU: You look happier.
I also forgot to say that last night my mommy wrote down a page of notes when I was teaching her how to turn on the computer. I repeat - a page on how to turn the computer on!
Despite going to bed at 2:00AM, I woke up at 6:00AM (10:00PM in the Philippines) and couldn't get back to sleep. Must be some side effects from the jet lag. I haven't been up this early in literally years, at least not while sober. So what did I do with my headstart?
Breakfast, gym for cardio, and snacked, all before noon! Holy freakin' crap that's an accomplishment! As I was coming home from the gym, I noticed someone was in my parking spot. I pulled up next to them slowly. There were 2 business-attired guys sitting in the front. I made eye-contact with them and gave them the look. I made a U-turn and parked across the street from them, still maintaining the look. The driver mouthed to me, "I'm leaving." And they left! I made a U-turn again to reclaim my territory! Fuck yeah, that was awesome!
My mommy had a hard time getting up despite an alarm clock. I finally got to catch an episode of this thing called Jersey Shore to see what all the fuss was about. Wow, if there was ever a show where you needed to make fun of people to make yourself feel better, this was the jackpot.
My mommy and I went to church and then ate at Zono Sushi in Burbank. We found out that Eve, my mommy favorite waitress, is not working there anymore. I guess we'll have to check if she still works at some Thai restaurant called The Palms.
I walked around my stomping grounds, debuting my black Manny Pacquiao: the Greatest Ever shirt (the 1 the day before was white). It was raining.
SECURITY GUARD: How was the weather? RYAN: It was summer all over again. I was walking around with no shirt, trying to keep cool, and still sweating ... and then I come back to this! (pointing at the rain)
So far, a lot of faces have changed while a couple are still around. I feel like the hero in a movie who's been gone for too long and returns almost as a stranger. I finally called up Carlos and Michelle. I ended the day finishing the Chinese leftovers over some Tough Love on VH1.
Jennie wasn't at the Scotland Yard Pub last night, but on the bright side I drank some Dry Blackthorn Cider on tap for only $5.25. I texted everyone to explain that the post office must've lost all the postcards I tried sending. I went home and ate some overeasy eggs and rice that my mommy made and slept at around 4:00AM.
I woke up at 10:00AM, felt groggy, and went back to sleep until 1:00PM. I called up Matt for the 1st time since I left last December 6 and picked him up to go eat at Denny's. I caught Conrad (Matt's dad, a.k.a. my "kayfabe dad") as he was leaving with a bag of golf clubs, which I'm guessing means he went to play golf. I debuted my Manny Pacquiao: The Greatest Ever shirt here in the U.S.A.
MATT: I like your shirt!
Cousin Andree and Auntie Bella came to visit. Auntie Bella threw a fit as she revealed that Auntie Aida finally told her how Andree drives a motorcycle whenever she's in the Philippines (the same motorcycle Uncle Mon taught me with 3 days ago). My mommy, Andree and Auntie Bella ate dinner at Panda Inn.
I skipped out during dinner to walk down the street to visit Brian at the GNC, with my video camera on, just in time before he closed up. That chick Thu was with him. She used to work next door, but quit because her boss accused her of having sex with married men.
RYAN: Your name came up today. My friend Matt was talking about Korean chicks. I told him, "My friend Brian at the GNC gets a lot of Korean customers because his boss is Korean. Whenever he has a Korean customer - I don't think he notices, but - he takes on a Korean accent." BRIAN: According to 1 of my other friends, whenever I have gay customers, I start acting more feminine and start having a limp wrist!
Ended the night with leftovers from Panda Inn while watching a rerun of Tough Love that I haven't seen yet on VH1.
My mommy and I got off the plane. Uncle Oca picked us up. I watched what was left of WWE Smackdown. Now I'm going to the Scotland Yard Pub in Canoga Park to see if my friend, Jennie, from London is there since she's in town until Tuesday. I leave you with LL Cool J's Going Back to Cali, which a stripper named Caitlin the Greatlin, who was from Glendale by way of Ohio, used to use as an entrance theme at the Spearmint Rhino in Van Nuys:
Friday night in the Philippines and I'm leaving for the airport now to go back to the US, which is 16 hours behind in the timezones. You know what that means? I'll literally get to experience 2 Friday nights within 24 hours!
Today's lesson: defense, counter-attacks, and head-butting. Today's new moves: inside parrying and outside parrying (like in Boxing), raising the knee to block low attacks (like in Muay Thai, where I think they call it a shield), swinging the knee inward to protect the groin, thrusting headbutt, and springing headbutt. Also, there were many obstacles placed on the ground throughout class.
After cumulative review, the drills were:
Dip elbow low/raise knee to defend attack to the ribs/legs, and jab-cross.
If you weren't able to dip elbow low/raise knee in time to defend against attacks, instintively retaliate with jab-cross.
If they're still standing after the jab-cross, keep blasting them until they're down.
Jab-cross headbutt.
Front snap kick, jab-cross headbutt.
While circling around each other, block and immediately counter with anything and for as long as possible.
JOVY: How do you like it? (asking about the jab-cross headbutt) RYAN: Good! I think it's my favorite combo! JOVY: Your favorite? Well, always remember that the most prominent is snap front kick, jab-cross.
Note to self: Delivering too many headbutts isn't good for the hairline.
I got nailed in the eye as soon as the counter-for-counter drill started and fought the 1st few seconds with 1 eye. I even had my shoulder rolled to protect my jaw, so I can't understand how he hit me. During the fight, he stumbled backwards over an obstacle, giving the illusion that I knocked him on his ass, and I tried kicking him on the ground. I was doing so well, until he caught 1 of my feet and took me down. I verbally tapped out (even though there's no such thing in s Street Fight). And then a few seconds later, he somehow got me in a guillotine choke.
But here's the shit that I can't believe actually happened: He picked up a basketball and threw it at me and I instinctively caught it, thus dropping my hands, and he knocked me out! Seriously? Did that shenanigan just happen in real life?
JOVY: Do you know what our last exercise is? RYAN: The death march. JOVY: [laughs] The fucking death march! RYAN: Or my name for it is "The Most Fun I Never Wanna Do Again." JOVY: [laughs] But when that time runs out and we say, "Stop," it's such a good feeling knowing you survived.
We sparred with wooden knives to simulate a knife fight. We only had 1 rule: no shots to the face since we had no goggles. So here's how it went down: I used my triangular footing, but used a stick-and-move tactic. He stabbed me a bunch. I did a bunch of uppercut knife strokes. I tried using the reverse knife grip, but it didn't go well, so I switched back to forward knife grip. He cracked me on my wrist bone, but nothing's injured. Ironically, he cracked his own wrist on my wooden knife when I luckily blocked. And when it was all over, he had some sort of asthma attack. So I ended up not having to do the Death March!
I was about to buy a shirt from the gym with that infamous motivational poster of Mauricio Rua and Wanderlei Silva playfully grapping with the motto, "It's only gay if you make eye contact," but they only had 1 size. I took a pic with my teacher and said a "see you later" since I'll be back in the summer.
JOVY: Thank you for choosing my style.
DAD: You should've told him, "I didn't choose your style. I had no choice because I couldn't find anything else." [laughs] I wonder what he would've said.
I hit the showers and Uncle Mon picked up my mommy and I. My mommy is secretly buying a condo in the Philippines to rent it out so we can have extra money. Uncle Mon, auntie Aida, and my mommy went to meet with the sellers while they left me behind to watch TV.
AUNTIE AIDA: We'll be back in 10 minutes.
4 Hours Later ...
RYAN: (on the phone) Where the hell are you? MOMMY: We're on our way, we're on our way!
I saw some show called The Biggest Loser starring some chick named Jillian Michaels, who reminds me of Linda Hamilton's Sarah Connor from Terminator 2. Then stumbled onto some reality musical show called Taking the Stage produced by Nick Lachey for MTV. I have to say that it has some chick named Mia Carruthers who's really jackoffable. Database!
Uncle Mon taught me how to drive a motorcycle! I wanted to try to videotape the lesson, but it's best that I didn't. It took me forever to get it right.
Then ended the night with some family time before going back to the U.S. tomorrow. I finished packing my stuff while watching the new American Idol. And this was epic:
We were pressed for time this morning. Bernie (the driver) had to take dad, my mommy and Bong to the hospital for dad's daily rehabilitaion, and then come back for me and 2-year-old Samantha to drop me off at my 10:00AM Street Fighting class, which was on the way to taking Samantha to school. I walked in and saw that their clock read 10:20AM.
RYAN: Sorry for the lateness. My driver was busy. JOVY: It's ok, you're early.
His watch read 9:58AM. For some reason, Mojo Gym leaves their clock advanced by 20 minutes. Cool.
He asked me if I had any questions. I only had 1: What do you do if someone attacks you from behind while sitting down on a chair?
JOVY: Why would you be sitting down? RYAN: Well, you know, you walk into a room and everyone's sitting down and if you don't you're weird ... JOVY: Ah, like in a bar or whatever. You have to choose where you sit. If you can help it, try sitting where the wall is behind your chair (to limit an attacker's angles in jumping you) and close to the exit. That is called power of positioning.
But in case we have no choice:
If someone tries to choke you from behind, pull their arm down enough by hanging with your body weight so that you can tuck your chin in to prevent suffocation. Then reach up to look for their face and try to gouge their eyes out.
An alternate option to the above is, if you can get handfuls of their hair, pull them over (like pulling over the hood of a sweater) by their hair with your bodyweight.
If they're bald, an alternate option to the above is to pull their arm down with your bodyweight and just fall over to the side to break the hold. Make sure to get back onto your feet a.s.a.p.
If they strike you instead of grabbing you, the initial reaction should be to run to the nearest exit. Remember: 1st rule is to try to avoid having to beat someone up.
Luckily, my eyelids were closed when he pretended to gouge out my eyes, but I still had to fix my contact lenses afterward.
After cumulative review, the new moves today were: knee thrusting forward, knee jumping forward, inside parry and outside parry (drilled as a counter to the jab-cross) into hook the neck with multiple knees thrusting forward, knee and elbow thrusting forward, and grab and pull the face into flying knee.
Details to remember:
Roll the lead shoulder so that it protects at least the jaw.
When executing the knee and elbow thrusting forward, the body form is like the letter "K" while the defending arm is horizontal. Don't just connect with the point of the elbow, but with roughly the 2 inches above it.
Point the toes down on the leg that's throwing a knee.
When hooking the neck, the hook is like a cane handle around their neck, pointing outward. The hooking arm stays strong, while my other arm controls their elbow (i.e. my right on their left), and maintains forward pressure while delivering multiple knees.
When grabbing the face and pulling it into a flying knee, you jump with both feet.
I almost pulled a leg muscle while drilling the grabbing the face and pulling it into a flying knee.
JOVY: What? Are you tired? RYAN: No, just stretching it. JOVY: [grinning] There's no stretching in Street Fighting.
Today's variation of the infamous front snap jab-cross was to follow it up with pinning their nearest arm and relentlessly beating them down with any punches, angling around to disorient them from retaliating, before finally retreating while watching your back. Next was throwing in an elbow before the relentless punches. The last drill was replacing the relentless puches, should they bend over, with hammer-fists or hammer-elbows to the back of their head, neck, and spine.
Unusually, we didn't end class today with push-ups or the 5-minute death march. But we're doing that tomorrow since it's my last day. I'm also supposed to remind him to teach me a head-butting routine. I asked him if he's ever seen Israelis fight. He revealed that he actually did study Krav Maga (Israeli fighting), but he only found 70% of it as practical.
JOVY: It seems to me you want to start a school. RYAN: (considered revealing that I'm an Apprentice Instructor in FMA, but went with ...) That sounds like a good idea!
I told him about how Mark a while back asked me to teach him self defense after getting traumatized from seeing 5 guys beating up 1 white guy. He laughed.
JOVY: What time's your flight on Friday? RYAN: Don't know. I just know it's Friday. JOVY: Didn't you get your plane ticket? Who's going with you? RYAN: My mommy. JOVY: Ah, yes. Just let those parents handle everything. Spoiled kid, huh? RYAN: She volunteered. JOVY: [laughs] Good answer!
I arrived at Philip's government office at 2:30PM for a top secret mission. To avoid incriminating details, I can't even talk about it. Hint: The Philippines has been ranked as most politically corrupt in Southeast Asia. But I can say it involved discarding evidence. I've never done this before, but there's a 1st time for everything. It was FUN. Afterward, to a select few members in the know in that government office, I was the freakin' man!
More good news: Philip theorized that he must've accidentally left the 2 Manny Pacquiao shirts that he bought me last night (and lost) at this shop while he was buying shorts. He went back to look ... and he found my Manny Pacquiao shirts! Best cousin ever.
We ate dinner at Brasil Brasil. We said it was my mommy's Birthday since we were originally supposed to eat there last December 26. As per tradition, I ate everything. And then modelled my Manny Pacquiao shirts when we got home.
I got to 10:00AM Street Fighting class at around 9:50AM. Jovy wasn't there yet, so management told me to wait by getting on the treadmill. Sweet. I burned 29 calories at 2.5 mph in about 7 minutes when Jovy finally came.
Jovy had me demonstrate the kicks I know from my Tae Kwon Do background. I was awesome. We warmed up with what he called the "dance" - jab, cross, jab, cross while moving forward, same thing backward, to the right, then to the left. Today's new moves: front push kick, front snap heel kick (from Karate), low roundhouse, mid roundhouse, high roundhouse (I slipped once doing this), sidekick to the ankle, sidekick to the ribs, side kick to the face, back heel kick to the shin, back heel kick to the groin.
Stuff to remember:
For roundhouse kicks, simultaneously punch on the same side as the kicking side. This provides both a cover and attack.
Lean away to help the high roundhouse connect to the face.
Only connect with your shin, but for the face, connecting with the instep is also ok.
Then reviewed everything else. I forgot to mention yesterday that if someone is grabbing my wrist in mirror image (i.e. their right grabbing my left), I trap their hand with my other, while the hand in their grip forms a c-hand around their wrist, and simultaneously rotate while moving forward, which results in an arm wrench. We had to take a bunch of breaks today to prevent me from passing out.
JOVY: Eat carbohydrates! RYAN: I had cereal!
JOVY: How old are you? RYAN: Eh ... 25. JOVY: What, you're not sure? RYAN: I don't like to tell. JOVY: 25? So what? I'm 49! Beat that!
There was also a blackout for a while, which helped the room cool down since all the lights went off. We ended with my usual 21 pushups (I just keep going until he says it's enough, and he always seems to cut me off at 21) and then the 5-minute March of Death. As soon as I hit my 1st jab-cross, he hit back with the pad, catching my eye, and I spent the next few seconds retaliating with 1 eye. 5 minutes have never seemed so infinite.
JOVY: You survived! No one can beat you up! Normal people can't fight for 5 minutes!
We then talked about our lives in terms of Martial Arts. His Escrima is from the Caballero system. They only fight with 1 stick. Their stance has the stick vertical either to their left or crossed to their right. That's all.
JOVY: There are only 6 effective strikes with a knife - slash, slash (x-pattern), stab, stab ... What else is there? RYAN: An overhead slash? JOVY: Who the hell's gonna do that? Just slash (diagonal downward)!
JOVY: When I trained in Muay Thai, it took me 3 years to perfect it. But this, this is so simple. You've only been here 3 days and no one can beat you up already. Those boxers (on the other side of the room) can't beat you up. You know how we tested to see if this works? We went to a bar and fought! RYAN: You had to start the fight? JOVY: That's the only way to see if it works! Tomorrow, we'll do defenses. Thursday, we'll have fun. Then when you go back to the States, you can beat people up.
I got home. Mommy, dad, and Bong were back from another check-up in the hospital. I kept flexing whenever pointing at my clothes until my mommy told me to stop showing off. Dad made me eat lunch witht them 1st before hitting the showers.
RYAN: I'm sweaty, smelly, and everyone will lose their appetites! DAD: No! You're our appetizer. (Ok, that was a lame joke.)
While my mommy went to visit Auntie Aida, I went with Philip and Malou to Greehills (that mall that sells counterfeits of everything). Philip bought me 2 Manny Pacquiao shirts and a Lyoto Machida shirt. We ate dinner at a steakhouse and I ate a chateaubriand that was meant for 2 people. When we got home, the Lyoto Machida shirt survived, but apparently Bernie (the driver) misplaced the Pacman shirts. Philip sent Bernie's ass back to Greenhills to look for it, but no luck. Bernie has been instructed to take me back to Greenhills tomorrow after my Street Fighting class to buy those same shirts. I guess this is coming out of Bernie's paycheck.
The 2 maids - cousins Chanda and Jezabel - FINALLY returned today.
I had my Street Fighting class at 3:00PM. I found out the instructor's name is spelled Jovy (not "Jobby" as I tried guessing at last time) and it's supposed to be a common name here in the Philippines. I arrived at 2:40AM and he was already there waiting, so he began class as soon as I stepped inside. And we still ended at 5:00PM, so that was 2 hours and 20 minutes of Street Fighting.
He taught me the short hook punch, long hook punch, uppercut, forward elbow, side elbow, spear elbow, downward elbow, and eye jab. Also, the rear elbow and upward elbow to be executed at an attacker from the rear. We drilled the palm strike to the nose and chin.
Stuff to remember:
A fight lasts for only 3-5 seconds.
There are about 5-10 moves in those 3-5 seconds.
You should be looking around as you make your way to the nearest exit while executing those 5-10 moves within those 3-5 seconds.
Unlike how the jab is only used as a fake in Boxing, the 1st punch in Street Fighting should be commited as a finisher and any follow up should be just as strong; or "There are no sissy punches!"
No hit-and-retract's, but rather, always follow through and gain distance.
"Fall on your elbow onto your opponent's face."
Unlike the other punches, the long hook must connect with the 2nd knuckles - because the angle doesn't allow connecting with the usual 3rd knuckles to be possible - to the temple.
If someone grabs my collar with a bent elbow (a.k.a. American style), I step in and my inside hand pushes their elbow away and upward. Because this usually turns them, it can transition into a rear naked choke.
Also, hard to picture it as text, but for my own reference: If someone grabs my arm, 1) I can trap their hand with my other hand and turn my arm vertical, making sure to point at them to ensure proper form, while moving in to result in a wrist lock, or 2) turn my wrist to weaken their grip and turn away from them, using both my hands if necessary.
We also drilled the combo of front snap kick to the groin followed by jab-cross punches before the foot returns to the ground. We ended class with 21 knuckle push-ups (I just kept going until he said "stop") and slow-motion counter for counter. He shared that he's close to 50 years old, trained for 6 years before he became a teacher, and he still trains in Muay Thai.
Philip and Malou picked me up. Malou said she was thinking about enrolling, but freaked out after seeing a cut on my hand from punching the pads. I put some Betadine on it.
My cousin Ken-Ken came to visit. He's shaved his head since he last visited. He introduced me to his 1 year old son Ken Martin (named after him and Lolo Martin), youngest son John Keifer (said he got that idea from the internet), his wife, his aunt (Auntie Nora's youngest sister), and his Tito (some Indian looking guy). Ken Martin knows how to bat his eyes, send a flying kiss, put on deodorant, and answer the phone. That's a prodigy.
I'm finishing the night with some UFC recaps on TV.
I stayed up late last night catching a rerun of the season 1 finale of Terminator: the Sarah Connor Chronicles, which is apparently all new here in the Philippines. Anyway, I must make a couple of corrections about yesterday's religious riot/stampede in the city of Quiapo about the Black Nazarene:
The number of people there wasn't a few hundred ... it was 2 million! (Wow, I really suck at estimating a crowd size.)
I spoke too soon when I said no one was hurt. The news reported that 2 people died after being trampled on once they jumped up to touch the Black Nazarene and fell back down into the crowd. But the families of those who died "don't regret it because they were doing something for God." That is the most stupid thing I've ever heard.
Philip was in a bad mood because the 2 maids - cousins Chanda and Jezebel - AGAIN failed to return today, despite being sent money after claiming they had none for the fare back. Without them to help around the house, we were unable to go to the province - which I forget the name of, but basically a jungle-ish hicktown - to visit Uncle Ben's grave as planned. Malou actually had to help Flor, the other maid, with the maintenance workload.
RYAN: So how should we punish them? PHILIP: We can't punish them yet. They might get scared and run. And they're cousins. If 1 gets offended, the other 1 is offended as well. BUT I will think of a way to retaliate!
Tsk, tsk ... I've said it before, if only Chanda wasn't a fob, she'd be in my database. If my life was a porn style film, Philip's punishment for her going AWOL would be asking me to "take 1 for the team" and bow chicka wow wow.
Dad's new bed arrived today. Yay.
Anyway, we went to Greenhills today. It's a mall that's famous for selling counterfeits and knock-offs of practically everything (i.e. Louis Vutton, Versace, Burberry, etc). My mommy and I looking for the restroom turned into an hour of disappearing from the family as my mommy got sidetracked getting her watch fixed at a store. Then we went to church, which was held in the mall. I guess every mall in the Philippines has an auditorium where masses are held. We ate at Racks, a ribs type of place. And, yes, you guessed it. I upheld tradition by eating more than everyone.
We came home and saw Flor (the maid) and Harry (brother of Bernie/the driver) waiting outside as they accidentally got locked out. Apparently, Flor went on a date, but had a horrible time, so everyone made fun of her.
Philip woke me up at 8:30AM. I got dressed in my workout clothes for the 1st time since I've been here. We showed up at Mojo Gym and I met my Street Fighting teacher. These were the 1st 3 things he said to me:
1) His name's Jobby (not sure how it's spelled) 2) "Please take off your shoes." 3) "This is not a sport."
Sweet. There was only 1 other student named Aaron. Aaron had problems with his stance, balance and keeping his hands up. I overheard Jobby telling Aaron he should try harder because he began before me and yet I was doing better. But to Aaron's credit, he was lighter on his feet than I was.
We drilled 4 different variations - boxing jab-cross, kung fu jab-cross, palm jab-cross, and hammerfists. The burn out was Jobby holding up pads for us to strike continuously. Any gap between the strikes we throw was met with strikes from him. I went 1st. I got tired. I wanted to give up as I was taking too many hits that I couldn't even see. But I knew he wouldn't stop. I caught a 2nd wind until time limit was over. Aaron did ok. This advanced student named Mike showed up, began his drills ... and accidentally kicked Jobby in the penis!
MIKE: Ay! Sorry, ha! RYAN: (laughing out loud) JOBBY: (trying to laugh it off) Effective, right? RYAN: Right!
Then it was Mike's turn for the burn out. He actually gave up, first crying, "Mercy!" until finally collapsing on the floor and declaring something that sounded, "Defeat!" Mike told me he was a boxer, but when he saw the Street Fighting training, he converted.
Jobby's motto that he wants to instill in us: It's not finished until it's finished.
Jobby then wanted to spar in Escrima (stick fighting) when he found out that I'm an Escrimador. He took out 2 sticks from his bag ... but no pads/safety gear! Luckily, the family needed me a.s.a.p. so I had to postpone that stick fighting session. We agreed to schedule some private classes since the Street Fighting class is only held on Saturdays, but I'm going back to the States this Friday. I found out Jobby's day job is that he's a doctor. Impressive.
I got home and hit the showers and hurried. Today was the big day (according to my parents). It was the fiesta with the Jesus Nazareno, a.k.a. the Black Nazarene - a monument of Jesus carved out of black wood from Spain. We went to Philip's coworker's place in this ghetto area. On the way there, we saw where my dad grew up on 2nd Street when he was in high school (though the building was no longer there), before our current ancestral home was built. We also saw his old high school, San Beda College, which was later also attended by Philip, and Auntie Zelda's old high school across the street from it.
I ate the most out of everyone again. We stayed in this 4-story house that had absolutely no furniture whatsoever except for 2 tables, a few chairs, and a kareoke machine on the top floor. There were parades of long carousels of religious icons carried by people. Everyone who was a part of the procession was required to be barefoot as part of their sacrifice in exchange for their prayers to be heard. When the Black Nazarene arrived, the street went apeshit. It was basically a stampede where luckily no one was hurt. People were crowd-surfing - I shit you not - just to touch it! I repeat, crowd-surfing! Everyone was taking turns grabbing a long, thick rope attached to the Jesus, believing it had healing powers. It was the coolest thing I've ever seen in terms of religion. Then we ate dinner and I ate the most out of everyone again.
Auntie Aida came to visit with someone who's supposed to be my distant cousin named Glen. Again, I swear I don't have an actual family tree anymore. It's like they make these people up as they go along. Apparently, my mommy has been helping to fund Glen's nursing education. If he passes and becomes a nurse, he'll be moving to the States and living with us. And we just found out that the Black Nazarene only now reached the church, making it officially a day-long procession since it started in the morning. Holy Fuck.
1-eyed-Linda left today to go back home to Makati City as she was just filling in for Auntie Zelda's caregiver, Chanda, who'll be returning tomorrow. Jezabel, Maxine's nanny and Chanda's cousin, will be returning with her as well. They were supposed to return today, but made up an excuse. If only Chanda wasn't a fob, she'd be in my database. Linda was crying as soon as she got in the car to go home. Sucks that they can't keep her just because Auntie Zelda doesn't like how she looks with only 1 eye.
Today's TV time was Hitman, the final scene of Flashdance, Footloose, and Disney's Aladdin and the King of Thieves.
My mommy drew very well on the babies' toys. 1-year-old Maxine pronounced my name for the 1st time today.
I ate my pizze from Shakeys that Philip brought home yesterday. I gave some pieces to the doggy, Babes, since she was barking, or demanding for some.
While my mommy went to visit Auntie Aida; Philip, Malou and I went to Eastwood, which has all these beers from around the world. I wanted a Brooklyn Black Choco Stout, but it was unavailable. Lame. So I had a Timmerman's Peche (Peach) from Belgium and a Bass Ale from England. And then sone gin mixed with a bunch of different juices. Snacks were chicharon bulaklak, which will easily give you a heart attack, and cheese sticks.
And after 32 days of everybody starting to look the same, there were these 2 white, blond girls there and I was like, "Holy crap! White chicks here in the Philippines?!" I saved them in my database. I'm totally wasted now. I'm humping the air. And I just found out that Philip is actually going to have me drop by the Knife Fighting class tomorrow without my mommy knowing since she's so crazy about making it on time to this religious fiesta. So a much drunken good night.
I was supposed to have my 1st Street Fighting/Knife class on Saturday morning, but my mommy is making us go to this religious event that "only takes place once a year" at that time.
MOMMY: We have to go. It's only once a year. DAD: Yeah, it's only once a year. We have to go.
What the fuck? I'm usually able to manipulate dad to be on my side against mommy. But I guess he's turned into a wuss ever since he got cancer and is only now starting to turn religious. I guess I'll see what I can do about arranging a private lesson for Sreet Fighting/Knife.
It's also already been planned that we'll be coming back to the Philippines in June. I then put my foot down that we'll finally revisit Boracay in June so I can finally redo my Birthday trip from 2 years ago. Boracay is my favorite island in the Philippines where the beaches are naturally pure white sand and clear water. But when we went for my Birthday 2 years ago, "the old farts" (my mommy's sisters) didn't want to do anything but sleep because they're old farts and we had to "babysit" them.
MOMMY: Don't call them old farts!
But when we finally redo thhat Boracay trip this summer, I'll finally be able to go boat riding, scuba diving, cliff diving ...
MOMMY: Don't go cliff diving! RYAN: Don't tell me what to do!
End of potential argument. I still got it.
Dad finally walked up the stairs for the 1st time since before his operation. During his 1st check up since the operation ...
DOCTOR: Why don't you walk up the stairs? DAD: Shut up.
His 2nd check up since the operation ...
DOCTOR: Why don't you walk up the stairs? DAD: None of your business.
His 3rd check up since the operation ...
DOCTOR: Why don't you walk up the stairs? DAD: I'm scared!
But he finally did it today and made it to my room upstairs, followed by my mommy and Bong while I was watching Tom and Jerry. My mommy was apalled that I was enjoying Tom and Jerry at my age. And Bong leaned back on a chair so much that he fell over. Dad made fun of him. Then we watched a UFC rerun of Randy Couture beating up that big fat dude for the Heavyweight championship 2 years ago.
Dad also used my shower for the 1st time. I made fun of him for not knowing how to use the controls. But now I definitely cannot bust a #3 in that shower. Too many people using it and it would be unhygenic. Speaking of which, I was watching this channel called ESPN and it was showing this pool competition (not like a swimming pool, but the pool with balls on the table and hitting them with sticks) and this pool player named Jasmin Ouschun (pronounced "ocean") is really jackoffable.
I was watching Disney's Mulan (during which there was a blackout for a minute) when we had to go to the store to look for a new bed for dad. The men's restroom, which was only 1 toilet, was locked as some douchbag in there was taking too long ... so I just used the women's restroom. Booyah! Sticking it to the man! Gangsta, gangsta!
We ate at some restaurant where I ordered turtle for the 1st time. I remember the old Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoons from the 80s/90s and how the Shredder would always want to make "turtle soup" out of his enemies. My mommy was so disgusted about it, though. It was pretty slimey, but we all enjoyed eating turtle. Now that my curiosity is satisfied, I won't be eating turtle again out of respect for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
I was watching some reruns of 90s Spiderman cartoons when Philip suggested watching the Avatar bootleg DVD we got a while back. There were some technical difficulties, though, despite it working fine when we 1st tested it. I watched Hitman next. Jumper is on right now, but I think I'll pass. It was only cool the 1st dozen times.
I finally woke up a little earlier today. Ate breakfast. Then lunch.
I was watching a Xena rerun when I then accompanied everyone to pick up Samantha from school so I can point out the Martial Arts place I saw on the way to Philip's office. Found it. Malou went inside to inquire for me. They offer classes in Muay Thai, submission wrestling and other stuff. But my 1st choice was the Street Fight/Knife class and 2nd choice was the Brazilian Jujitsu class. It's only about 10 U.S. dollars per session. Sweet.
I snacked. Then took a nap. Lola Ellie visited and brought another casava cake. Yay.
I was watching a replay of some Tennis event called the 2009 US Open from last August-September and I have to say that this 19-year-old Danish player chick named Caroline Wozniacki is really jackoffable.
I just stumbled onto this old video from 2005 of Kelly Clarkson firing her old guitarist on stage after he flipped off the crowd.
Speaking of Ms. Clarkson, my old college roommate Brian (not to be confused with Brian at the GNC) was doing this survey app thingy on Facebook, the following being the question he was asked about me including his response:
If Ryan was asked to do something life threatening for a million bucks, do you think they would do it?
If Kelly Clarkson had HIV Ryan would still hit it ... RAW ... FOR FREE
Despite being thought of as senile and doing nothing except sleep all day, Babes (the doggy) was humorous enough to urinate on my mommy's foot. I ran for my camera and was able to videotape the aftermath of my mommy cursing Babes as she casually walked to a spot under the table to go back to sleep. The maid took my mommy to the yard to wash her feet.
I saw Pocahontas 2 for the 1st time today on the Disney channel. Ok, part 1 at least got some historical parts correct. But this part 2 was just fucking with historical facts. During my leisure research afterward, I found out that George Wythe Randolph (Thomas Jefferson's lawyer grandson) and former First Ladies Edith Bolling Galt Wilson and Nancy Reagan along with other important people were descendants of Pocahontas!
My mommy and I went with Auntie Aida and Uncle Mon to meet with Tito Alex and Tital Bellen at an all-you-can-eat Japanese restaurant. It had 1 of those things on the table where you can cook your own food. I ate everything. I drank San Miguel beer again to the chagrin of my mommy. Then went to go see The Mall of Asia and walk along the ocean. We ended the night with Starbucks where I had an iced white chocolate mocha.
I had a dream that I was with Jennifer, Robert and Michael from high school. In real life, I busted a #3 to Jennifer lots of times, until she got married and I forgot all about her. But in my dream last night, we were about to have sex. But then Robert told her I was popping pills at a rave and she looked disappointed in me. What a cockblock! End of dream. What the hell was that? It's as if my dreams at night are turning into an anti-drug commercial now!
I woke up today to loud construction-like noise in the backyard. They're still trying to fix the septic tank problem. I got to play with the 2 big white dogs, Pochi and Winnie. Philip accidentally called Winnie, Maxine (his 1-year-old/my niece).
Philip said that Chanda, Auntie Zelda's caregiver (or "babysitter" as my dad jokingly put it) who left for vacation the same day that Auntie Zelda left for Washington D.C., is having 2nd thoughts about returning. I found out Jezabel, Maxine's nanny, is Chanda's cousin. From what I could understand from the Tagalog I heard, Philip told Jezabel to either bring Chanda back or return with another caregiver. Jezabel has left to do that.
RYAN: You should tell her (Chanda) that Auntie Zelda needs her.
If you're wondering why I even bothered to say anything, it's because had Chanda not been a fob, she'd be in my database. Filipina chicks are ok, but fobs don't really do it for me. She's still fun to look at, though. Maybe if I was drunk, I'd bust a #3 to her. (sigh) I can't wait to finally jack off again at the 1st chance of privacy I get when I'm back in the States.
2-year-old Samantha came home from school tired, went to sleep and still doesn't want to wake up. Weird. They're going to let her sleep until it's time for her to go to school again. So her day will literally look like: school, sleep, school.
Philip said he's depressed, though, because Sheila called to say that she had to admit Auntie Zelda into the hospital in Washington D.C. Something about coughing up blood. I think he used his depression as an excuse to buy Krispy Kreme donuts. We have a new box of donuts now.
For the millionth time, I met a couple of new distant relatives whom I've never seen before. I don't think I have an actual family tree anymore. I swear they must be making it up as we go along. Mommy bitched to them how I worked as a stuntman, blah, blah, blah ...
This mute women came by to give my mommy and Malou pedicures and manicures. Then they forced me to get a pedicure and manicure too. I feel like such a metrosexual. Years ago, this same mute woman accidentally cut me while giving me a pedicure. But everything went smoothly this time. All my finger nails and toe nails look glossy and shiny.
Philip was nice enough to bring home food from Pizza Hut for dinner. I got lasagna and 2 slices of pizza.
UFC 108 replayed on the TV today for free, preceeded by an episode of UFC Unleashed highlighting past fights. Yay. And 2 different channels aired different episodes of Terminator: the Sarah Connor Chronicles.
On my way to bed last night, Bong was flipping the channels when he stumbled onto the Kelly Clarkson music video for Already Gone on channel 35 (or AXN, whatever that is). We still can't communicate fluently and have to improvise sign language most of the time, but I was able to convey that I like her and went to her concert last September. He was actually able to say the English word "beautiful" when describing her.
I had a weird dream last night, the kind of weird because I don't remember what the dream was about, but only that I dreamt it.
Philip went to go running for the 1st time in I-don't-know-when. He invited me, but he went at 6:00AM. That time doesn't exist to me.
The babies crying woke me up at 8:00AM, though. As usual when my sleep is disrupted and I go back to sleep afterward, I consequently ended up sleeping in a little late.
We went to church. As soon as everyone found a seat, Philip pulled me aside to sneak out. We walked past the monastery and found a huge, serene garden, the kind with a pond and all that jazz. It was supposed to be a cemetery for all the priests who died there. Out of boredom, we looked at each grave stone to find out who was the oldest. The winner was someone who was born in 1879. That was 139 years ago.
We ate lunch at some place - I wasn't paying attention. I wanted a curry beef brisket, but it was unavailable. Boo. My mommy decided to show off and pay the bill without telling them. Philip told Malou that's what happens when she's too slow to get the bill.
The Disney Channel's streak continues in replaying High School Musical. Today was part 3. I want to see those naked Vanessa Hudgens photos now. I really didn't care at all when they came out because I never saw her movies. But now, I would like to bust a #3 to her.
PHILIP: Is that Vanessa Hudgens? Didn't she have naked photos leaked on the internet? RYAN: Yes, AND she's half-Filipina! Yay Philippines! PHILIP: (in a "That's not what I had in mind when representing the Philippines" sort of way) No.
But the good news is: Philip FINALLY got to see The Dark Knight in its entirety. I happened to stumble onto it when it was starting and then screamed for Philip that he finally had luck.
Some gay dude who dresses and puts girl's makeup on himself to look like a girl came by to do Malou's hair.
UFC 108 was today, which again aired for free here in the Philippines. Yay.
The Wizards of Waverly Place starring some jailbait named Selena Gomez is playing on the Disney Channel right now. She's got potential for cradle-robber tendencies.
When I'm finally back in the States and get the house to myself to regain my jacking off opportunites, I have a lot of catching up to do in the database. I never got to bust a #3 to my friend Sabrina, which I was hoping to accomplish before I left for the Philippines. And now I also have to do Vanessa Hudgens and Selena Gomez. Of course my hormones will always belong to Kelly Clarkson. This situation reminds me of Iam's (1 of my boys at the GNC) when his girlfriend was still pregnant ...
IAM: (talking to his then pregnant girlfriend) Yes, there's this hot blond chick at the gym. I only wanna fuck her. BUT I will still stay with you. I just wanna fuck the blond and get it over with. BUT I'm still with you.
It seems the Disney Channel is on a roll replaying High School Musical. Also, Philip just can't get any luck catching The Dark Knight from its beginning whenever it plays on TV. He finally asked me to just look for it on the internet and download it for him.
My mommy finally dyed my dad's hair for him. He still needs help taking a bath without getting his incision from his operation wet.
DAD: (while my mommy's washing him in the bath tub) Ryan, no! He's videotaping me! MOMMY: Ryan! Stop it! RYAN: Say, "Hi" to the camera. MOMMY: (annoyed) Hi. RYAN: No, look at the camera and say, "Hi." MOMMY: No!
Today was the big day. We removed dad from his oxygen tank. He can breathe on his own now. He can even almost walk at normal speed without any help.
We all went to the mall. We finally got a replacement for the broken bulb in the bathroom (I've been taking my showers in the dark), bought dad Krispy Kreme donuts that he requested, and I ate a Lamb Burger with cilantro cream and bleu cheese toppings with fries from Brothers Burger. I got a protein chocolate banana shake. Yay protein! Philip also bought me a tub of blueberry cheesecake just for the heck of it.
I made fun of my mommy for trying to show off again by refusing to let Philip, the alpha big shot, pay for everything as my mommy took Malou aside and volunteered to buy her food.
When we got home, dad and Bong were sitting in chairs that they set up outside in front of the house. Dad's actually starting to look normal.
I'm just ending the day with youtube videos of Alanis Morissette (a throwback to the 90s), Kelly Clarkson, and a new Martial Art from South Africa that I just found out about called the Piper System:
Last night, I nearly got myself blown up while personally lighting literally 10,000+ rounds of fireworks. Meanwhile, all the neighbors' fireworks were exploding around me throughout the street. I had to sprint for my life in my $500 Salvatore Ferrogamo shoes from Rome, a.k.a. the pussy magnets. Don't worry. The shoes are fine. It's funny how my 1st thought while nearly getting blown up was, Oh fuck! My Ferrogamos! Best New Years Eve ever!
The camera in my hand the whole time might've been on, so I might actually have 1st-person-POV video of me nearly getting blown up. Video to come if my technology-challenged self ever figures out how to transfer footage from a mini-DV tape into the computer.
We were late for church at 11:00AM. Yay. And the next mass wasn't until 5:00PM, so we were free to go. I would've thrown a fit if there was a mass half an hour later and we were to waste time waiting for it and sitting through it, which my mommy was expecting. But thank God that wasn't the case.
PHILIP: When we're in the car, ask me, "Where are we going?" I'll say, "To eat." Then ask if Brother's Burger is open.
That was the plan. Philip's been craving a burger ever since my mommy influenced his wife and sister to ban him from eating burgers after the doctor told him he had high cholesterol.
RYAN: Oh Philip, where are we going? PHILIP: To eat. RYAN: Is Brother's Burger open? PHILIP: We'll see. MOMMY: Oh, but there's a superstition that we shouldn't spend money on New Year's Day because then we'll be spending too much money all year. RYAN: (annoyed) What did you say? MOMMY: We don't spend money on New Year's Day because-- RYAN: Did you hear anything? MOMMY: It's a superstition that-- RYAN: Is it the wind? Is the wind talking?
Brother's Burger was closed unfortunately. But McDonald's was open.
RYAN: (taunting) Oy mommy, what were you saying in the car? MOMMY: (annoyed) Nothing!
I had a big mac, fries, spaghetti (they actually serve spaghetti at the McDonalds here?), Eight O'clock orange juice (the Filipino equivalent of Tang orange juice), a caramel fudge sundae, and half of my mommy's chocolate fudge sundae because she "doesn't eat junk food."
I watched The Incredible Hulk on TV. I ate my toffee peanuts. I caught High School Musical again on the Disney channel. It gets less gay every time I see it. I guess I'm getting used to it. My mommy walked in on me dancing along to it on top of the bed.
MOMMY: (with a WTF look) What are you doing?
I told dad that mommy keeps accusing him of being depressed. Dad says mommy's lying. Good. Her accusations were getting annoying.
MOMMY: Your dad is lazy today! RYAN: Careful dad. She might think you're "depressed." MOMMY: Why are you always telling on me?! RYAN: Oh mommy, why are you trying to kick me under the table?
We went to Auntie Aida and Uncle Mon's for dinner. I caught Iron Man on their TV before eating. Then The Dark Knight came on.
Some distant relatives who I was supposed to have known when I was little came by for dinner. 1 of them is a captain of the air force or something like that. I was wearing my new tight shirt that Philip gave me for Christmas, which shows my muscles, and he said I have the body of a stuntman (to the chagrin of my mommy, who doesn't approve of me being a stuntman). He kept going on and on about how I've got muscles. Whoohoo self-esteem!
We're home now and I just got Bong to kill a cockroach for me. Time to sleep and Happy New Decade - 2010.
