Jazzy

Bad news: Lyoto Machida can no longer claim to have never lost a round in his MMA career. Good news: Machida is STILL the UFC Light Heavyweight Champion after a fight that went all 5 rounds. Bad news: It was so controversial that lots of Machida fans are even saying Mauricio "Shogun" Rua should've won. Personally, I'm happy that "Karate is [STILL] back!"

Overslept. Missed church. Supposed to party with Richard some more, but he was behind in writing his article. My mommy actually sleeps in her room now since she moved an old TV in there. Decided to not wake her up and let her sleep the whole day. Read more of Peter and the Sword of Mercy at Barnes and Noble. Then it was time to gloat.

Brian at the GNC was the 1st person I thought of when Machida won. I knew he'd be pissed since Shogun's his favorite. As soon as I walked into the GNC, I started performing kata - those fixed patterns of moves - from Karate. Yup, he was irritated. In a last ditch effort of a comeback, he tried showing me a pic of Michael Jai White (who was a dick to me and all his fans at a Martial Arts convention years ago) in a magazine with UFC fighter Vitor Belfort striking a GQ pose on the cover.

The annoying kid Emmanuel was there. We poked more fun at 1 of the security guards who I dropped with a roundhouse kick about 10 years ago now. Then Emmanuel tried to see how high he could kick compared to me ... and fell to the floor in pain as he almost pulled his groin. There have always been stories making fun of him, but this was now the best AND I can say I was there. After a while, Brian tried to ignore me performing kata. Then it was time to close.

BRIAN: Oh, I never told you what happened with that asian girl!
RYAN: What happened?
BRIAN: Blow job, my friend!
RYAN: Sweet!

Finally, my mommy woke up and decided to meet me at the mall for dinner at Red Robin. OH-EM-GEE, I can't believe what happened next: Our waitress was Jazz - the object of my affectionmasturbation, the veteran of my database! Despite always eating there - and doing reconnaissance - I haven't had Jazz as a waitress since December. I had to text Michelle. The convo was as follows:

MICHELLE: Jazz?! Get her number!!! Get her into bed and break your very long born again virginity!
RYAN: Dammit I couldn't stop stuttering every time I talked to her. Gotta regain composure.
MICHELLE: God damn it Ryan be your chick magnet self and make her drop her panties like theyre on fire!

MOMMY: What are you laughing at? Who are you talking to on the phone?
RYAN: Nothing.

A couple new things: She added a "y" at the end of "Jazz" on her name tag, so it now spells "Jazzy." And she introduced herself by her birth name Jasmine. But everyone still calls her Jazz. I made sure to ask for stuff 1 by 1 so that she would keep coming to the table. But then it started to slow her down and my mommy called over some waiter dude ...

MOMMY: Can you call our waitress for us?
OTHER WAITER: What do you need?
MOMMY: More ice tea, more freckled lemonade ...
OTHER WAITER: I'll get those for you because (yelling so she can hear) Jazz is a slacker!
JAZZ: (snatching the cups from him) I'll get those!
MOMMY: And he'd (that's me) like some more fries.
OTHER WAITER: (yelling) You hear that Jazz?! They need more fries!

Cute. Very cute. I know busting a #3 is the proper codeword, but I have to say it straight up: I cannot wait to jack off to all this.