Bad omens

(In case you're wondering why this entry wasn't here earlier, yes, I forgot to hit the "publish" button.)

Today's my favorite holiday of the year. Halloween. I had to be at Jesse I's place by 2:00PM. We along with Andres, Jesse II, Ian, and Kevin were to meet then to take a van to Monster Massive. Yes, I'm going - not with my usual raver buddies, but with my Capoeira class - to a rave.

I spent last night/early morning at FedEx to print out the wolfpack tattoo from Twilight, which Stef (being the artist she is) would use to draw it on my arm. I was scheduled to meet with Stef at 12 noon. I rushed out the door a little past 12 to meet her ... and my car was gone! My mommy stole it. Fuck! Her excuse was that the tires were flat and other shit. I tried to find the keys to her car to likewise jack it to meet with Stef. But nothing. I was stranded. FUCK! Roid rage set in and I kicked my mommy's bucket ... but it was unexpectedly so fragile that it shattered! FUUUUUUUUCK! My mommy looked like she was about to cry about the bucket when I finally got my car back and sped off.

Bad omen #1: I kicked the bucket.

Stef drew the tattoo on my arm, gave me a little mysterious box that I still haven't opened, and recommended Virgil's Hardware store to find something to fix the bucket. Virgil's Hardware sold me some water-proof cement. I got to work to fix my mommy's shattered bucket like a puzzle. But saw that it was 2:00PM. [Insert another F-word here.]

Got to Jesse I's at 2:30PM. Andres and Jesse II arrived.

ANDRES: Guys, on our way here, a bird crashed into our windshield. There were feather's and blood everywhere!
EVERYONE: (silence)
ANDRES: We looked at each other and were like, "Did that just happen?" Guys ... that's a bad omen!

Bad omen #2: We "sacrificed" a bird.

On the road now.

Everyone bring protection

Today's Capoeira class: Andres, the 2 Jesses, Kevin, Ian, Louis, Diana, and a new student named Kenneth (Jesse I's Lambada classmate from CSUN). Kenneth is a cool guy. Joe was there to watch. The first drill was a combo of meia lua de frente (inside ax kick), armada (step over spin kick), and martelo (roundhouse kick). Then the same combo, but replaced the martelo with a meia lua de compasso (low spin kick). Then replaced the kick in the meia lua with a nasty elbow.

We did our first close-quarters roda - no room for wide kicks, only enough room for straight and hook palm strikes, kicks to the shins, and rastaos (wrestling takedowns) - to simulate a real fight. The biggest reaction was when Kevin walked face first into my palm strike that it made a loud, slapping sound. But it was cool. Then it was time to talk about Monster Massive tomorrow.

ANDRES: Everyone bring protection! (Diana chokes on her water from shock)

Diana, the only girl, rolled her eyes as we guys huddled in private to talk about guy stuff.

ANDRES: Don't you roll your eyes at me!

Even though 14-year-old Louis was not going with us, we let him into our huddle to talk about "adult" stuff. Then we lingered after class was over to practice our flips.

JESSE I: Wait, I never landed this back handspring before. You guys have your phones out (to call 911), right?

I practiced my running backflip (it's like a shooting star, in pro-wrestling terms). It was rough the 1st time, freaked out the 2nd time, and better the 3rd time. Then Jesse II started doing it too. I almost have it. Almost.

Fuckin' macbooks and wireless internet

Today was bullshit. My Macbook hasn't been able to receive signal from my house's wireless internet since yesterday. And the Geek Squad employee that I talked to on the phone had never used a Macbook, but said that viruses had just been invented for Macs this year and that my Macbook could have a virus. But 1st I'll need the opinion of an employee who actually knows about Macs. I stayed home the whole day trying to figure shit out. Got an appointment for 3:00PM at the Apple store in the Glendale Galleria tomorrow. My mommy and I ate at In-N-Out Burger for dinner.

Logistics of dry-humping

ANDRES: The girls are distracting, huh?

I pulled up to Capoeira practice and found Andres running around the area alone. Everybody else had gone on their run while Andres stayed behind to watch the stuff. I ran with him. He still felt bad about putting me to grapple against that douchebag/outsider James last Monday.

Louis returned first. The rest of today's class: Jesse I, Jesse II (arrived late), Kevin, Brenda, Tanya, and Chelsea. We hit our calisthenics. Andres motivated me the whole way with, "C'mon Ryan, I don't wanna see you gassing out again." The girls have their own puppy that tried to challenge Andres' dog (our mascot), Naya. Then each of the guys had to say a few things about themselves to the girls. Andres had me go first.

RYAN: My name's Jacob. (everyone laughs) Jack of all trades and ... jack of all trades.
Jesse I: You understand why he said Jacob, right? Twilight.

The girls loved that reference. They're chicks afterall.

Then we partnered up with the girls to teach them the basics. I was with Brenda. She had the most enthusiasm. Since Andres could potentially like her, I installed a filter to keep her out of my database in case they ever hook up. Otherwise, all her high-fiving me and grabbing my arm because it was cold would've been database moments. Joe came by to play the atabaque drum while we played in the roda. We almost didn't recgnize him since he shaved his mustache for the 1st time.

LOUIS: You look 25 again.
JOE: Yeah, I'm 25 going on 40.

Something was different about Kevin today. He played a lot and like he actually knew what he was doing. I call steroids. Then it was time to talk about Monster Massive.

ANDRES: So we need to talk about the logistics of--
RYAN: I'm ready to dry-hump every chick there.
ANDRE: --logistics of dry-humping. Like, I don't wanna dry-hump a girl that you already dry-humped. That would be weird.

I never had a Martial Arts teacher that I could talk to like this. Awesome. I lingered behind with Jesse I and Kevin as Kevin wanted to know how to set up headbutts. Later, Andres texted us asking if anyone had seen Brenda's water bottle that she left behind. Ok, I think he likes her.

Solearas

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Kimura!

RYAN: Monster Massive this Saturday. Can't wait to dry hump every chick there.
ANDRES: That's what I'm talking about! We should bring condoms.

I showed up to Capoeira today. It was Brazilian Jujitsu day, though. The class is growing. Those present: Andres, the 2 Jesses, Gabriel, Louis, Diana, Ian, and Justo (who just returned after months of laziness). But there were 3 new students, all girls: Brenda, Tanya and Chelsea. The dudes purposely ran slowly during laps so that they could check them out from behind. So we finally got to see Brenda - whom Andres tried to pick up on through text messaging ... except he accidentally sent it to us! Freakin' embarrassing! (see 10/23/09 entry)

RYAN: Yeah, so I think you had the wrong number ...
ANDRES: Ok, fine, why's everyone giving me shit about that.

(sigh) The good vibe of training was interrupted by some douchebag named James, whom naive Diana invited. James has been practicing Judo for a year-and-a-half. 1) He didn't wanna do our exercises, complaining about some injury. 2) He kept insisting if he could grapple with somebody before he had to leave for his 7:00 Judo class. Andres sent Jesse II, Gabriel and I to teach him a lesson. There was only 1 problem: I felt like shit today.

I went 1st. The 145-pound loser didn't even have a submission on me, but I verbally tapped because I gassed out. Gabriel went next. The douchebag got a dirty choke on Gabriel. Jesse II then took him to time limit. Finally, Andres came by and locked him in an armbar. After he left, Andres gave a lecture on how that douchebag was a douchebag and we proceeded to talk shit about said douchebag. I then bullied Diana for inviting him. Diana, like a ditz, said, "You're just mad 'cause he got all of you." Oh that's it. I'm choking out Diana next grappling day. AND if the douchebag visits again when I'm 100%, I swear to fucking God I'm making him tap out.

Good news: I submitted Justo with a kimura while he was in my "guard" (that's when I have my legs wrapped around the opponent; and get your mind out of the gutter). 1st time ever doing a kimura!

Then went to the gym to do all calisthenics.

Jazzy

Bad news: Lyoto Machida can no longer claim to have never lost a round in his MMA career. Good news: Machida is STILL the UFC Light Heavyweight Champion after a fight that went all 5 rounds. Bad news: It was so controversial that lots of Machida fans are even saying Mauricio "Shogun" Rua should've won. Personally, I'm happy that "Karate is [STILL] back!"

Overslept. Missed church. Supposed to party with Richard some more, but he was behind in writing his article. My mommy actually sleeps in her room now since she moved an old TV in there. Decided to not wake her up and let her sleep the whole day. Read more of Peter and the Sword of Mercy at Barnes and Noble. Then it was time to gloat.

Brian at the GNC was the 1st person I thought of when Machida won. I knew he'd be pissed since Shogun's his favorite. As soon as I walked into the GNC, I started performing kata - those fixed patterns of moves - from Karate. Yup, he was irritated. In a last ditch effort of a comeback, he tried showing me a pic of Michael Jai White (who was a dick to me and all his fans at a Martial Arts convention years ago) in a magazine with UFC fighter Vitor Belfort striking a GQ pose on the cover.

The annoying kid Emmanuel was there. We poked more fun at 1 of the security guards who I dropped with a roundhouse kick about 10 years ago now. Then Emmanuel tried to see how high he could kick compared to me ... and fell to the floor in pain as he almost pulled his groin. There have always been stories making fun of him, but this was now the best AND I can say I was there. After a while, Brian tried to ignore me performing kata. Then it was time to close.

BRIAN: Oh, I never told you what happened with that asian girl!
RYAN: What happened?
BRIAN: Blow job, my friend!
RYAN: Sweet!

Finally, my mommy woke up and decided to meet me at the mall for dinner at Red Robin. OH-EM-GEE, I can't believe what happened next: Our waitress was Jazz - the object of my affectionmasturbation, the veteran of my database! Despite always eating there - and doing reconnaissance - I haven't had Jazz as a waitress since December. I had to text Michelle. The convo was as follows:

MICHELLE: Jazz?! Get her number!!! Get her into bed and break your very long born again virginity!
RYAN: Dammit I couldn't stop stuttering every time I talked to her. Gotta regain composure.
MICHELLE: God damn it Ryan be your chick magnet self and make her drop her panties like theyre on fire!

MOMMY: What are you laughing at? Who are you talking to on the phone?
RYAN: Nothing.

A couple new things: She added a "y" at the end of "Jazz" on her name tag, so it now spells "Jazzy." And she introduced herself by her birth name Jasmine. But everyone still calls her Jazz. I made sure to ask for stuff 1 by 1 so that she would keep coming to the table. But then it started to slow her down and my mommy called over some waiter dude ...

MOMMY: Can you call our waitress for us?
OTHER WAITER: What do you need?
MOMMY: More ice tea, more freckled lemonade ...
OTHER WAITER: I'll get those for you because (yelling so she can hear) Jazz is a slacker!
JAZZ: (snatching the cups from him) I'll get those!
MOMMY: And he'd (that's me) like some more fries.
OTHER WAITER: (yelling) You hear that Jazz?! They need more fries!

Cute. Very cute. I know busting a #3 is the proper codeword, but I have to say it straight up: I cannot wait to jack off to all this.

It's the fucking Catalina wine mixer

Last night, I had to finish Richard's last Guinness for him. There were a couple of chicks I eyed. Just for my own mental note: 1 had blond hair in a ponytail held by bobby pins. The other had light brown hair and looked like she was in high school, but couldn't be since it was a pub. I saved them in my database. Anyway, my status on facebook then read:

I'm wasted ... And my designated driver (Richard) is puking in the toilet. Fuuuuuuuuck.

RYAN: I can't believe it's only Saturday. The weekend just began. I'm trashed like I'm ready for Monday already.

We ate at Denny's at around 2:00AM. I had the philly cheesesteak with onion rings and orange juice. They accidentally gave me seasoned fries at first, but then brought my onion rings and let me keep the fries at no charge. Score. Was too tired to extract the database when I got home. Slept.

Today, read more of Peter and the Sword of Mercy at Barnes and Noble. Then failed at all attempts to go to Oktoberfest in Alpine Village in Torrance. Goddammit. It was the last weekend too. I'll have to buy my own bratwurst and beer some time, but after Monster Massive (gotta look ripped when I walk around with no shirt on). Visited Brian at the GNC. Talked about tonight's UFC PPV main event: Lyoto Machida vs. Mauricio "Shogun" Rua. Mark invited me to watch it with him at a bar in Huntington Beach. But Tiwat didn't feel like going and I didn't wanna drive alone.

Watching Step Brothers on TV and then off to the gym and then watch the UFC fights online illegally.

Chemical Brothers

Started the day by calling Michelle to wish her "Happy-Birthday-5-Days-Ago" (yeah, I fucked up).

I found that I slept through a bunch of text messages. A few of them were from Andres, but mistakenly as they were addressed to some chick he was trying to pick up on. How embarrassing!

Read more of Peter and the Sword of Mercy at Barnes and Noble. Skipped Capoeira training. Went home to watch an all new Degrassi, Smallville, and some of WWE Smackdown before Richard picked me up to watch his friend perform at Old Town Pub in Pasadena. Unfortunately, I couldn't find anyone to ride with to Oktoberfest in Alpine Village in Torrance.

Listened to some Chemical Brothers on the way. Got lost a lot on foot. The pub's location was all secretive in an alley. Drinking my Guinness now. Yup, accessing the internet through my phone while I'm in here. Fuckin' technology.

3D

I was overdue for another day of movie hopping at the AMC 16 in Burbank. Watched the Toy Story/Toy Story 2 double feature in 3D at 4:45 and Couple's Retreat at 6:50.

I swear to God do not laugh at me ... I teared up during the montage of Jessie (the cowgirl doll) being abandoned after her owner grew up - set to Sarah McLachlan's When Somebody Loved Me. BUT I can still kick your ass!

Raver buddy Chris (nephew of Eric, who in turn is a mutual friend with Carlos and Michelle) texted me during intermission of Toy Story. Monster Massive is on!

Oh, and Couple's Retreat was the only other movie that started on time as soon as Toy Story ended. It was either that or Zombieland. Even though Zombieland was said to be a comedy, it still looked like a horror film and I don't watch scary movies. Anyway, there was this white chick with light brown hair sitting about 2 seats away to my left. I saved her in my database.

Went home rockin' my 3D glasses, which I was supposed to give back after Toy Story was over, but didn't want to and they're mine now.

Another boner via geek chick

Had lunch with my mommy and her cousin at Cheesecake Factory in the Americana. I had my usual beef ribs, but replaced the fries with mashed potatoes, and raspberry lemonade.

Free parking from Monday - Thursday, but someone forgot to deactivate the tollbooths. Someone's getting fired. The parking ticket mentions free parking when you make a purchase of $150 or more.

Anyway, our initial waitress was someone who's name doesn't matter. But then she was sent on break. The new waitress who took over was named Crystal. She was a white girl, brunette, wore a high ponytail, and glasses - doing the geek chick look. She was 1 of the few who could wear glasses and still look cute. First, she kept refilling my raspberry lemonade when it wasn't even empty. But then she kept touching me every time she talked to me, even if it was just to ask if I was still eating. After a few touches, I got a boner. When I asked if I could box my mashed potatoes, she even had to remark that she loves the mashed potatoes, as if trying to imply I make good choices. That's it. I owe her ... I gotta honor her by busting a #3 to her. She's in the database!

They had this new cheesecake - red velvet cheesecake! Kelly Clarkson's favorite cake was made into a cheesecake.

Read a chapter of Peter and the Sword of Mercy at Barnes and Noble. Then went to Capoeira. Half way there, since I was already 45 minutes late, didn't feel like practicing. Said I was sick and just came to watch. Today's class: Andres, Jesse II, Diana, Louis, and Angel. I played fetch-the-ball with Andres' dog, Naya. Gave Angel a ride home.

LOUIS: I wouldn't trust Ryan with a car. I wouldn't trust Ryan with a bike. I'd be like, "No, Ryan, you do NOT get points for running over those people!" "Stars do not appear onscreen when cops are after you!"
RYAN: Don't laugh. I have driven on the sidewalk.

RYAN: So the cute waitress kept touching me and I got a boner.
ANGEL: Let me guess, then your family was like, "Ok, let's go now" and you said, "No! Let's not get up yet!"

Visited Brian at the GNC. His new girl was there - haven't learned her name. So was that annoying kid Emmanuel. Brian's new girl had measuring tape. Her waistline is 30. She says that's bad for a girl. Mine is 33. Brian's is 39. Emmanuel, who's fat, didn't even wanna measure. I was wearing martial arts gi pants. Emmanuel actually wants to buy some. Seriously?

Read another chapter of Peter and the Sword of Mercy at Barnes and Noble. Then went home to watch Glee. What hormones/drugs did the writers take for this week's episode? Watching Ultimate Fighter now. Gym later.

I felt like my fingers were gonna bleed

My mommy took today and tomorrow off because her cousin's in town. She's so damn annoying during the day when she has nothing to do. I prefer when she's tired from work and too tired to harass me about insignificant shit.

I was rockin' in guitar practice. 2 new ancient songs, but they require some fast fingering as if I was playing a rock song. Couldn't perfect it, but got OCD with it that I wouldn't stop trying. My fingers were about to bleed.

My mommy and I picked up her cousin to go to my little cousins' - Janine and Jillian - house in Northridge for dinner. Went to Sport Chalet and Walmart in Porter Ranch to kill time while they finished cooking. Just remembered a conversation between Tiwat and I when we were in that same Walmart last weekend:

RYAN: I don't find Kim Kardashian attractive.
TIWAT: Why not?
RYAN: Because she's armenian.
TIWAT: And yet you jacked off to that chick who was harassing me about fixing her computer.
RYAN: That was a 1 time thing! And it was out of spite!

Ate a lot for dinner.

Crazy Train

That religious drifter, Dave (not to be confused with teacher Dave or rockstar Dave), whom I met at the Kelly Clarkson concert (see entry 9-15-09), IMed me on Facebook today. He's back in Canada. He sent me a passage from Philippians 4 in the Bible.

I called in sick from Capoeira training, although they were doing Brazilian Jujitsu today. Had to go to the gym instead since I hadn't worked out since last Thursday. Did all my weight-lifting exercises for every muscle in the upper body (except for forearms, which I do at home), all my abdominal exercises, and the treadmill says I burned 400-something calories in a distance of 4-point-something miles. Saw Mauricio. We talked about how we're gonna run around with no shirts on at Monster Massive.

Came home for dinner, showered, and caught some of WWE Raw and interestingly Kelly Osbourne dancing to her dad's - Ozzy Osbourne - song Crazy Train on Dancing with the Stars. On a related note: My friend, Nick, from high school is the nephew of Ozzy's deceased guitarist Randy Rhoads. Then left to read more of Peter and the Sword of Mercy at Barnes and Noble.

T.G.I.F. on a Sunday

My mommy woke me up at 12:00PM to go to her sister's house in Northridge. Surprisingly, she forgot all about church. I didn't bring it up.

Cousin Andree, who lives and works as a doctor in Las Vegas, was in town for a short visit. We went to see her and also so that my mommy's sister could teach my mommy how to draft her will so that I could someday be rich.

Tiwat, who lives in North Hills - "technically Northridge" - was bored and volunteered to pick me up. We went mallratting and ate pretzels at some shop called Auntie Anne's. Tiwat was working as a ride operator in Universal Studios when he got injured and started collecting worker's compensation.

RYAN: Are you still working?
TIWAT: No, lap bar infraction.
RYAN: Did you get fired?
TIWAT: Yeah.

Then met my mommy at Porter Ranch who offered to treat us to dinner at T.G.I. Friday's. I had a Jack Daniels burger with sweet potato fries and cherry limeade. Tiwat listed his medical problems (broken hand, pinched nerve, slipped disc, blah, blah, blah). Then my mommy's sister crashed uninvited (or at least I didn't invite her). But at least she's a doctor and gave Tiwat medical advice.

Anyway, our waitress' name was Kelly - the same first name as Kelly Clarkson. She looked maybe late 30s, possibly early 40s. She tried to be hip by wearing hot pink stockings. But she smiled a lot and was very charming. Oh what the heck, I'll put her in my database.

... and straight on 'til morning

Visited Brian at the GNC. This regular customer, Armen, was already there. Talked. This new asian girl that he's been seeing walked in. She's everything that he's complained about - 4'10, which he keeps asking if whether or not that's midget status. He's just trying to hit it, then quit it. She cracked some racist jokes about black people. Then there was silence because we can't be boys in front of this chick.

BRIAN: Ah, the silence ...
RYAN: ... So my friends were watching Where the Wild Things Are yesterday and Megan Fox and Brian Austin Greene were in the same theater.
ARMEN: Megan Fox isn't that hot.
RYAN: Megan Fox is overrated. All I cared about was Brian Austin Greene.
BRIAN: That's right! Terminator [the Sarah Connor Chronicles]!

Went to the gym to do some cardio. Unfortunately, it was closed for emergency testing. Went to the mall. Passed by some ordinary chick who looked like any other bottle blond. But then she spoke ... with a heavy, British accent! All of a sudden, I got a boner. Database!

Stopped by the Hot Topic. There's this girl who works there named Danielle that I used to bust a #3 to until she started experimenting with her hair in a bad way. But surprisingly, her hair was finally normal. And she was rocking the geek chick look, wearing glasses for the 1st time and dorky clothes. And all the employees were dancing to a Michael Jackson album. A geek chick spazzing out to Michael Jackson. She's back in the database!

Walked by the Red Robin. Unfortunately, Jazz seemed to have the night off. I guess Danielle will have to hold me over for tonight.

Finally got to start reading Peter and the Sword of Mercy at Barnes and Noble.

Went home. Fired up the porn. Put on a Leah Lexington video.

Zicke, zacke, zicke, zacke! Hoi, hoi, hoi!

Today was gonna be a day of reading Peter and the Sword of Mercy at Barnes and Noble, Capoeira practice, and then back to reading. That didn't happen.

Eugene called me at 12:30PM to ask if I was free. I haven't talked to him since he cancelled on my last second for our trip to Oktoberfest in Torrance, resulting in me settling for the Oktoberfest in Montrose (which I dubbed as "Walmart Oktoberfest"). Eugene and Stef picked me up at 1:30PM.

We ate at Red White and Blues. I had a pulled pork sandwich and sweet potato fries with a side of gorgonzola cheese ranch dressing (their substitute for bleu cheese dressing). Had to call in sick for Capoeira practice. Talked about boring stuff. Apparently, Eugene is doing a documentary for his schoolwork ... featuring Guro, my deadbeat of a FMA instructor! The documentary's subject: How Martial Arts ruined some people's lives.

EUGENE: He'd talk about how he was in the military and a bodyguard and I'd ask, "So how's that paying the bills?" And he'd be like, "I work for Geeksquad." And yet the Martial Arts that get made fun of, like Tae Kwon Do, are the businesses making all the money.

Also found out that Carlo - Guro's 2nd in command - is trapped in the cult of World of Warcraft (WOW). Apparently, his secret girlfriend dumped him and he had no money for alcohol, but he was able to afford WOW, so he took it.

Chilled at Stef's house. Chased her bunny, George, in the backyard. Couldn't catch him. And then we decided to go to ... Oktoberfest in Alpine Village in Torrance!



Me with bratwurst, saurkrat, potato salad, and my new mug that fits 4 pints of dark German beer!



My bratwurst, saurkrat, potato salad, and gigantic mug up close.



German people singing. And they kept leading this chant of "Zicke, zacky, zicke, zaggy" where the crowd would respond, "Hoi, hoi, hoi!"

RYAN: What does that mean?
STEF: "Zicke, zacke, zicke, zacke" is something like, "Are you ready?" And "hoi, hoi, hoi" is like saying, "Yeah!"

Later, we were looking for a place to eat deserts. One of the suggestions was Applebees.

RYAN: What's Applebees?
STEF: What?! You're kidding me! That's it! We're going to Applebees!
EUGENE: You have to know these things, Ryan! You have to experience Applebees!



That's me eating something called a blondie brownie. It's got ice cream on top.



That's my blondie brownie up close.

2nd star to the right ...

Highlight of my day was the gym. I got my nutrition in with some cheesecake, did all my calisthenics and stayed on a treadmill for an hour. The only thing I wish I could've done differently was more side abdominal crunches.

Didn't have time to go to Barnes & Noble to start reading the newly released Peter and the Sword of Mercy, the 4th installment of the Peter and the Starcatchers series - a series about Peter Pan before he becomes Peter Pan. But tomorrow.

Time for a midnight snack and to continue writing my novel after an extended writer's block. That teacher Jack made us sign contracts with ourselves last night to finish what we start.

I can't stop eating

I woke up to more people clicking a "thumbs up" and responding positively to my status that I posted last night about scaring off the armo who nearly ran me over. Whenever I come close to literally dying, I have the right to say whatever I want. (And for those not in the know: armo-supremacy oppresses everyone in Glendale.)

I visited Brian at the GNC. Made fun of more armos as a tag-team.

BRIAN: I was in the passenger seat last night, talking on the phone with my friend. My uncle was driving. Some armo ran a stop light at full speed and almost crashed into us! I rolled down my window to yell, "You fucking armo piece of shit!" My friend on the other line was like, "Let me guess. You're still in Glendale."

We quieted down when an all-right-looking chick walked in to ask about some products. As soon as she left ...

RYAN: Did she look armo to you?
BRIAN: Yeah, she was.
RYAN: Now, I'd hit it, but only out of spite!
BRIAN: Exactly! I'd fuck her just as a way of saying, "Fuck you armos!"
RYAN: It would be up the ass to make sure that it's only enjoyable for me, but not for her.
BRIAN: That's right.

When that annoying kid Emmanuel walked in, I wrapped it up and left. I could tell Brian doesn't wanna be left alone with him. Ha.

I went to my Write For Magazines class at 6:30PM. It was taught by the same teacher, Jack, from last Monday's Read All Day And Get Paid For It class. There were only 5 students. Jack liked my answers to his following questions:

Q: What are your immediate goals in writing for magazines?
A: Express my opinions and get paid for it.

Q: What are your goals for the next 2-3 years in writing?
A: Earn a living while in my pajamas.

Q: What are your long range goals in writing?
A: Become a name.

I ate my macaroni and cheese during class. Afterward, when Jack brought up how people are bad drivers in the rain, I got to brag about scaring off that armo who nearly ran me over last night. (Sorry, but I was almost literally killed last night and I'm not over it.)

JACK: You give them hell, Ryan! They need to learn their lesson one way or the other.

Got home at 10:00PM sharp, in time for Ultimate Fighter. But missed Glee. I'll have to catch it on hulu.com tomorrow.

1st rainy day since I-don't-remember-when

I had nothing to do before guitar practice ... and you know what they say about idle hands. Fired up the porn. Clicked on an anonymous MILF video. Randomly busted a #3 to an old acquaintance named Sarah when I remembered seeing her at the funeral last week.

Guitar practice today was ... meh.

Called Michelle today because I randomly felt like making her ringtone ring. Her ringtone is a Kelly Clarkson song. Got to talk to Carlos too since they were sitting next to each other.

Urgh ... armos never could drive. Almost got ran over by an armo, probably due to too much rain on his windshield. He was about to pull into the parking lot, but saw me waiting for him with a weapon and he drove off scared. I made the armo shit in his pants. Yay! Posted it as a status on my facebook. So far, Brandon, Tom (an old boss) and Alvin (a raver buddy) gave it a "thumbs up."

Great workout at the gym. The only thing missing was getting on the treadmill for an hour, but that's because I was in a hurry to eat the steak and cheese Subway sandwich that my mommy brought home for me.

Read All Day And Get Paid For It!

This is what I've been using this week to get pumped up. It's a clip from last week's episode of Glee where the kids perform while tweaked out on pseudoephedrine, which is why I asked Brian at the GNC about it (see yesterday's entry 10/11/09).

I signed up for a class entitled Read All Day And Get Paid For It a couple of hours before it was held. Yeah, talk about last second.

I visited Brian at the GNC. He was hiding, hoping that the annoying security guard Artin or that annoying kid Emmanuel won't come in to talk to him. Brian and Mario have been clowning Artin by singing the Married ... with Chilldren theme song because he looks like Al Bundy. We vented more about how that 17-year-old Taylor Lautner looks like he's on steroids and bigger than all of us.

Unfortunately, I blew Brian's cover because that annoying kid Emmanuel came in. We talked more about that chick Daniela who sang Amazing Grace at the funeral and is now in my database. Then pornographer Pierre Woodman was brought up and how some chick killed herself after being in 1 of his videos. This started to lead the discussion into snuff film. Awkward. To change the subject, I bragged that I almost have a running backflip down.

My mommy's brother visited unexpectedly to borrow a ladder, which we found out was broken. Damn, who else has keys to our house? I'm glad I wasn't walking around naked or masturbating. At least he brought pomegranates.

I was about to call in sick for Capoeira practice, but didn't have to. Andres was stuck in a meeting with his lawyer. I went to my Read All Day And Get Paid For It class held at Toll Middle School. The teacher, Jack Adams, is cool. The only scary part was that my car was all alone in the parking lot where the environment was set up as if muggers were ready to shank someone.

Pseudoephedrine

Overslept. Missed church.

Walked through a car show at the Americana where there was a bunch of fancy shmancy cars, like Lamborghinis and Ferraris and all that crap.

Finally made it to visit Brian at the GNC. Saw Mario for the 1st time in months. For a while, we thought he might've been killed in Tijuana when no one ever heard back from him.

RYAN: What do you know about Pseudoephedrine?

Ate with my mommy at Outback Steakhouse. I had a 12. oz prime rib, chopped salad with bleu cheese dressing, sweet potato, pecan brownie topped with ice cream and chocolate shavings on whip cream, and fruit punch.

Spent the evening in the Barnes & Noble where I finished reading a 100-page magazine all about Taylor Lautner, the 17-year-old kid from Twilight who looks like he's on steroids because he needed to gain pounds upon pounds of muscle to keep his role for the sequels.

You whip out a couple of swords at your ex-girlfriend's wedding, they will never, ever forget it

Today was just gym day. Got to try out my new Chocolate flavored Muscle Milk.

Then went to Dave's to finally collect on those Philly Cheese-steaks for dinner. Dave's from Philadelphia, so his cheese-steaks are legit.

But on the way to Dave's, I stopped by the mall. Walked by the Red Robin and saw Jazz, who has veteran status in my database. Renewed her image in my database (no such thing as doing this too much).

Dave and I watched Wolverine: X-Men Origins with our Philly Cheese-steak dinners. Dave's nyquil knocked him out.

Came home. Fired up the porn. Put on a couple of Ellie Idol videos. Busted a #3 to Daniella (the chick who sang Amazing Grace at the funeral last Thursday). And again to Jazz.

Prayed to my deceased friend for permission to bust a #3 to her friend

Yes! I found the facebook of that chick who sang Amazing Grace at yesterday's funeral. Her name's Daniella. She's in my database now.

Whoa, where was everyone today. I showed up to Capoeira class and only Andres, Jesse II and Gabriel were there. Diana showed up and I got to make fun of her for being late for a change (as she always does to me). I even gave her a hard time for being lazy with the exercises.

I played the berimbau for the 1st time in years. I haven't held 1 since maybe 2004 when I was with that other Capoeira group. Today was mostly a music class. Andres teased Jesse II and I for sounding like we were going through puberty when we couldn't hit the notes. He compared it to the pimply face character on The Simpsons.

ANDRES: My son is at that age now. When I call him, he'll answer (deep base), "Hello?" I'm like, "You better drop that base, son!" And he says (high pitched), "Hi daddy!"

We met Gabriel's wife, Patty, and their kids. Andres' brother Joe stopped by along with his son, Devin, a.k.a. Skeelo. Devin schooled his dad at shooting trash from long distance into the trash can. Jesse II found out for the 1st time that I'm Filipino. He got the idea that I was Samoan this whole time.

Stayed in for the night. Said a prayer to ask my recently deceased friend for her permission to bust a #3 to her friend, Daniella, who sang Amazing Grace at her funeral. Then went to it.

Goodbye Shannon (like high school all over again)

I walked in late to the memorial service. With the people there, it felt like high school all over again. The 1st person I saw was an old friend named Merrick who I haven't seen in years. I chilled in the back on the left. But then Mrs. Fernandez showed up on the opposite side.

Mrs. Fernandez was 1 of my favorite teachers. A lot of students think of her as their 2nd mom. I am 1 of them. Years ago, I came clean to her about adult-oriented stories of how I've fucked up since getting out of Catholic school. The reason why I haven't kept in touch with my favorite teacher was because I've fucked up even more since then. And after too many fuck-ups, it gets embarrassing.

But then she caught me from the corner of her eye, walked all the way across even though I was hoping she didn't see me, and gave me a big hug.

Ms. Ponterero, the former secretary who had been fired, hugged me and then gave me this look and said, "Stay out of trouble."

What the hell kind of stories have been going around about me?

CHRIS: It's Providence. They know everyone's story.
JUSTIN: Even after you've graduated?
CHRIS: Especially after you've graduated.

I was reunited with Justin. He was my tag team partner from 2004-2005.

This stoner named John (not to be confused with my raver buddy John) from CSUN was there. What a small world.

JOHN: Let me get your number, bro.
RYAN: You know the last time we exchanged numbers, we were at the dorms, I was wasted, and you were stoned.

Other than that, I didn't get to say "hi" to Ms. Learned, who was another mother-figure among students and who's also been fired. Also missed Tommy, who was my role model back then, and who coincidentally knows Carlos and Michelle's friend TJ (wow, this world keeps getting smaller and smaller).

Anyway, 1 of Shannon's friends sang Amazing Grace really well. And she had a pretty face. I had to phone Brian at the GNC to tell him.

RYAN: Dude, this chick who sang Amazing Grace ... I need to find out who she is. She is so in my database! Until then, I'm gonna be jacking off to her all day long, maybe even with Amazing Grace playing in the background!
BRIAN: Dude, that reminds me of the movie Wedding Crashers when they start crashing funerals.

There was a reception at Shannon's house afterward, but a lot of people felt awkward going. Many went to Islands in Burbank instead because it was her favorite place to go. Got lost twice. The 2nd time, Justin's bad directions sent me to North Hollywood. Finally found it on my own.

Caught up with Patricia and her sister, Anjelica. Patricia used to act like my mom back in the day, dubbing my bad boy adventures as "hooligan activity." They want me to keep them posted about any future Kelly Clarkson concerts.

I had dinner with my mommy and her accountant at Cheesecake Factory in the Americana. Got my usual beef ribs and raspberry lemonade. The seasonal cheesecake is pumpkin pecan. Watched last night's episode of Glee on the internet and called it a night.

Hump Day

It took longer than expected to pick up a Subway sandwich and finish eating it that I showed up to Capoeira 46 minutes late. Today's class: Andres (always a given since he's teacher), the 2 Jesses, Louis, Diana, Kevin, and me. Gabriel stopped by again just for support.

This girl named Ruby was watching as invited by Jesse II. She's a chick that he's had his eye on.

JESSE II: Do you think she's ok?
RYAN: If by "Do you think she's ok?" you mean "Should I go for it?", I say yes.
JESSE II: I mean, I already went out with her and stuff, kissed and stuff ...
ANDRES: The whole tribe just gave their stamp of approval.

The chick's 16, which isn't too bad since Jesse II is no older than 19.

Then Andres shared Capoeira stories of 2 dudes fighting over a girl and getting ready to shank each other with gangs involved. Cool.

Gotta turn in early for Shannon's memorial service at 10:45AM.

Minuet in G

I rocked Minuet in G by classical composer J.S. Bach in guitar practice today, which I've been working on for a while. Also touched on the Eagles' Hotel California.

I wasn't expecting it tonight, but I was walking by the Red Robin when Jazz walked out! Didn't know she worked Tuesdays. Anyway, she walked out as if she was having a bad day. I tried to mentally jack off during the fraction of the second that she was next to me as she stormed past me.

I found this punch flavored ISO 42 protein drink from the L.A. Fitness Expo last January in the refrigerator in my garage. I then decided to make tonight's workout really count as I finally drank it. Wolverine-status. Now I'm so sore. Godammit I'm the man. The man.

I can't feel my toes

Showed up late to Capoeira. But it was Brazilian Jujitsu Day. Today's class: Andres, Jesse II, Kevin, Louis, Diana, and I.

JESSE II: (sarcatically) Take your time!
LOUIS: (shakes my hand) What were you doing in your car that was taking so long?
RYAN: Jacking off.
DIANA: And you shook his hand!

Gabriel was there just to watch ... with many cans of Bud Light!

GABRIEL: Want some?
RYAN: [drinks]
LOUIS: Ryan, what are you doing?!

It's official. Louis has small man's complex. He loves talking shit to anyone bigger than him, which is EVERYONE in the class. I was partnered with Louis first in drilling armbars.

LOUIS: Stop pulling down my shorts! Child molester!
RYAN: You're pulling down your own shorts when you armbar me! Pervert!
LOUIS: Child molester!
RYAN: So you admit you're a child!
LOUIS: Which one do you think is worse? Child molester!
ANDRES: What kind of conversation are you guys having over there?!

Today's new moves: 2 armbars from sidemount. 1) Triangle nearest arm, slip foot under his head, step over with other foot to trap head, hyper-extend arm. 2) Secure far arm, step over his head with your outside leg, shift body to face direction behind you, complete armbar.

I rolled with Jesse II. It went to time limit draw. My feet were numb because the ground was so cold.

I rolled with Andres. I guess it was bugging him that he had to try so hard to make me tap out because of my flexibility and double-jointedness. Highlight: I had crucifix on him, but couldn't capitalize. I got out of his leglock attempt. I escaped everything. He got a tight armbar on me. He was probably still mad that he had to tap out to me due to gassing out that one time. I had to tap out to tight armbar. Apparently, my arm cracked really LOUD (but fear not, it's healthy). He collapsed afterward due to the effort. We hugged. Gabriel, who was cornering me, congratulated me. Caesar who came late was watching.

CAESAR: I was standing all the way here and I heard that arm snap!

We really need a place to train indoors when the weather gets colder.

This little guy named Earl

Woke up early at 9:00AM to confirm with Guro if our Filipino Martial Arts (FMA) training was still on for 11:00AM. No answer. Texted him again at 10:00AM. No answer. 11:00AM: Went back to sleep. 11:30AM: Brian at the GNC called me.

BRIAN: Do you know if Fighting starring Channing Tatum is a good movie?
RYAN: Don't know. Didn't get to see it. It got pulled out of theaters before I could watch it.

Checked Facebook. Sadly, Shannon Hayes lost her battle to cancer last night. I only talked to her once in high school. But a lot of my friends were her friends. Cancer must suck.

Hung out with Brian at the GNC. This little guy named Earl came in asking for creatine. He had been studying FMA for 5 years now.

EARL: I got suckered into it. I came just to watch. But they told me to pick up the stick and try it out. Next thing I know, I'm twirling the stick. Next thing I know, I'm paying him. Fuck ...

He knew a lot of Filipino history in terms of it's martial arts: the biggest families in FMA, martial politics, what really happened in some battlefields, duels interrupted by SWAT team, the last duel in 1983.

He invited me to come spar with his group sometime on Los Feliz and Riverside.

EARL: Sundays, 9:00. But some people are there by 8:30.
RYAN: AM or PM.
EARL: Morning.
RYAN: Oh shit!
EARL: (laughs) Don't wake up that early, huh?

He also thought I was big, like, monster-status. He should see Iam. He'd probably shit in his pants. Iam keeps getting asked if he's on steroids.

My mom's accountant came over.

ACCOUNTANT: How old are you?
RYAN: Young enough.

Turbo

It was the Birthday of my deceased doggy, Turbo, today.

It was also supposed to be Eugene, Stef and I going on our long-planned Oktober Fest in Alpine Village in Torrance. Went to the gym. But then got a last second voicemail from Eugene saying that he has to cancel, Stef is sick, has to take care of her, blah, blah, blah. But it was so last second that I couldn't catch Richard (not to be confused with DJ Rich) in time to hitch a ride with him.

And it fucked with my mommy's plans as well. My mommy went to the Birthday party of my dad's friend's mommy. Had I gone with her, she would've called in sick from work and stayed at the party. But because I was supposed to go elsewhere, she didn't call in sick, went to the party alone for a few minutes, then rushed to work.

That deadbeat of an FMA instructor had to reschedule training to tomorrow, using the excuse that I didn't confirm if the change from 10:00AM to 11:00AM this morning was ok. Of course it's ok! Saturday morning = sleeping in if possible. Duh!

But there was an Oktober Fest in Montrose, a.k.a. "Walmart Oktober Fest" (I made up that term myself). Invited Dave and got him to drive so that I can get wasted.



German beer.



German beer again. Yes, my shirt says: Just Give Me The Damn Candy.



Turkey dog, Bratwurst, and German beer.



Eating. Don't bother me.

But before it's over, I NEED to hit up the real Oktober Fest in Alpine Village in Torrance.

Follaseca!

Went to Capoeira class. Those present: Andres, Jesse I, Jesse II, Kevin, Ian, Louis, Diana, and I. Gabriel stopped by just to inform us he can't train because he's got too many medical problems.

We were learning the follaseca - a running backflip (or running moonsault if you're familiar with pro-wrestling). But Andres was spotting us by having us run up to grab his hand so that he can pull us up to give us the height. The left leg comes up and the right leg tries to kick your face and hopefully you make it over.

The 2 Jesses made and Kevin made it, although after a couple of tries. Ian and Louis couldn't get their bodies over in midair. Diana was too scared to try it.

We tried making a gauntlet for Lois and Ian where we slap their asses hard as they run through to do the flip. The point was to give them "rage" to accomplish it. Andres revealed that his Mestre invented this technique for him because Andres was afraid to flip backward after a soccer accident. Didn't work for Louis or Ian, though. Then it was my turn.

1st try: Ran up to grab Andres, but before I can flip ...

IAN: (behind me) YEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAH!

I freaked out.

RYAN: What the hell was that! What the hell, man! I was going for it! I was about to do it!
IAN: I was just trying to give him "rage."
JESSE II: He had "rage." It's gone now.
ANDRES: Don't give us your "yellow fever," Ian!

2nd try: I grabbed Andres' hand, kicked up ... and slipped!

3rd try: I made it over ... but landed on my chest instead of my feet. Ouch.

4th try: Got it! 4th time's the charm.

Then we played. First was regional, the faster style of Capoeira. I got kicked in the face by Jesse I. I don't know, just didn't see the 2nd kick. Kevin tried to take me down, but I countered it into a tesoura - scissor takedown. It was ugly, though. Andres dubbed it a "tesouras rex" to emphasize how ugly it was. Then angola, the slower style of Capoeira. Got Kevin in another tesoura.

Then left for the PWG wrestling show. Chad didn't go because he somehow assumed I wasn't going even though I texted him earlier to confirm that I was going. He must've been drunk. Hung out with Brandon.

I 1st met Brandon over a year ago when he and his homies were standing in line behind Matt, Conrad (Matt's dad, my fake "dad"), and I. I overheard Brandon talking about how he was going to his 1st rave. Been friends ever since.

The usual jackoffable chicks were there. There was the cocktease who'd wear the flower on her right, which was supposed to mean "single," but her ugly boyfriend never corrected her about it. There was the chick that Carlos and I met a few shows back while drunk. Bartender Lisa, a veteran in my database was there. And the Asian bartender continues to notice the littlest details about me. And pitchers of beer.

BRANDON: Did you get your ticket already for Monster Massive?
RYAN: Yup! You?
BRANDON: I did. But I'm torn!
RYAN: Why?
BRANDON: I just met this girl and she's not into that scene and I don't wanna ruin it--
RYAN: Fuck that! You're going!
BRANDON: But she's a keeper!

I was talking with Brandon and his homies during intermission when Buggy (see entries 8/23/09 and 9/5/09) tried to get my attention with makeshift sign language. I tried to sign back, "What are you saying?"

BRANDON: I think she wants you to talk to her.

BUGGY: You still don't remember me?
RYAN: Of course I remember you.
BUGGY: I like your hair.
RYAN: Thanks. I like ... um ... how your hair's ... um ... 2 different colors.
BUGGY: Every time I see you, you have a drink in your hand.

Blah, blah, blah ...

RYAN: I like how all these wrestlers' facebook statuses are all about homework.
BUGGY: That's such a kayfabe fail.

Kayfabe refers to the belief that, at worst, everything in pro-wrestling story line is factual.

BUGGY: My Birthday's November 18. You won't forget, will you?
RYAN: I won't forget. November 18.

Basically, lots of blah, blah, blah until we hugged. What the fuck just happened?

I think I managed to sway Brandon's mind to for sure go to Monster Massive. Got a Wendy's burger, fries and drink. Called it a night.

Happy October

Last night, I had a large pizza with artichoke, olives, bell peppers, and anchovies on the side. My mommy's sister ate the anchovies. It was too salty for me. I took home some leftovers.

Today, I had my annual eye doctor's appointment. And the annual argument:

DOCTOR'S ASSISTANT: Now let's dilate your eyes--
RYAN: I don't want to!



Ate at Elephant Bar afterwards. Had 2 lamb shanks, veggies, mashed potatoes, mudslide pie, and raspberry lemonade.

Our waitress' name was Brooke. She had the haircut of a lesbian, but a cute face. She's in the database.

Then got yolked at the gym.