Dual citizenship

My mommy came home from work early to take me to the Philippine embassy to apply for dual citizenship. We just had to make sure I cover my ass because anyone vacationing in the Philippines for more than 30 days is automatically sent to the Immigration department upon landing in the airport where those crooks scam them to apply for a visa and charge them 2-3 times more than the actual fees.

We stopped by Costco so I can take a half-ass pic for the application. Then we found out at the embassy that because my dad still has his Philippine citizenship, I'm automatically a dual citizen. Those crooks won't be able to fuck with me now.

MOMMY: I don't even have dual-citizenship! When I became an American citizen, they made me renounce all other citizenships. So you're (that's me) better than me.

I over-ate at Sizzler, as is my Sizzler tradition, with a steak and lobster tail, plus salad bar (clam chowder, salad, chicken wings, tacos, ice cream, fruits with cottage cheese, jello, pudding, miscellaneous junk food) all in a total of 5 plates, and strawberry lemonade.

I did more shopping at Costco afterward for stuff to bring to the Philippines. I bought a drink, but all the rasperry nestea was unsweetened despite the labels still saying "sweetened." I asked for a refund. They refunded me, but told me to keep the cup as their apology and get something else. Free drink!

Then went to the mall and saw that Hot Topic has a new wolfpack tanktop (Twilight/New Moon) that I need to get. Finally! I've been waiting for the franchise to come out with muscle shirts! While walking at the Americana, my BFF Kat, who was likely at a bar, sent me a picture message of a snakebite (1 of my favorite drinks) that read:

Mmmm snake bites thinkin of u :) xoxo

(For the millionth time) Kat's family lives down the street from Kelly Clarkson's family in Texas. That's why I made her my BFF.

Israeli chicks

My mommy and I ate at Zono Sushi. I got kind of bitchy at the restaurant because they NEVER have toro (fatty tuna) sushi whenever I'm there. I can no longer remember when was the last time I tasted toro sushi.

My mommy decided to buy some toys at the mall for my new little cousins that I'll be seeing soon when I go to the Philippines. She ended up buying a Little Miss Sunshine doll that electronically sings and a pink teddy bear (after making fun of my choice in a stuffed dog that electronically sings).

MOMMY: Do you want any clothes from American Eagle?
RYAN: No. It's too pro-caucasian.

Then I stepped out, saying I have to "look at something really quick." I stared at Jazz at the Red Robin to renew her in my database. Then my mommy called me on my cell phone telling me we were late for church.

MOMMY: (driving crazy) The devil distracted us!

By the time we got to church, there was only 5 minutes left. I played with the hand sanitizer again.

I later went back to the mall myself and some Israeli chicks selling cosmetics called me over. It's always an Israeli selling products from the Dead Sea.

ISRAELI CHICK: (with thick accent) My name is Shani. Can I show you something?

I've seen this thing a million times already, but they were all cute so I said, "Yes."

ISRAELI CHICK: Where are you from?
RYAN: Here.
ISRAELI CHICK: Or where are your parents from?
RYAN: Around.
ISRAELI CHICK: Are you Indian? (I'm sure she meant Native American.)
RYAN: Sometimes I pretend I am just because I can.
ISRAELI: You know "Pocahontas?" You look like her husband. [They all high-five like it was the funniest joke ever.] How old are you?
RYAN: Not old.

To make a long story short, after rubbing the stuff all over my arm and hands, it took will power to override the boner and decline. That chick Shani even offered to give me her number to call her in case I had any questions. Holy fuck, they must be really desperate and not making any money!

Bad News: Bailey Banks and Biddle went out of business and apparently had huge sales. Fuck, I could've gotten a real rolex for 50% off if only I was paying attention.

On my way to Barnes and Noble, I witnessed a couple having an over-pretentiously angsty, teen-drama-type conversation ... They were in their 30s! And the dude (asian) was shorter than the chick (white).

At Barnes and Noble, I was reading sheet music for the Twilight soundtrack that features Muse's Supermassive Black Hole and Linkin Park's Leave Out All the Rest. Then I noticed some older blond lady checking me out.

OLDER BLOND LADY: (impressed) Are you reading sheet music?
RYAN: (elegantly) Yes.
OLDER BLOND LADY: You can actually read the notes and play it in your head?
RYAN: (confidently) Yes.
OLDER BLOND LADY: Do you play piano?
RYAN: Guitar.
OLDER BLOND LADY: What do you play?
RYAN: Classical. [She looks like she wets her pants]
DUDE WHO'S WITH HER: She's a classical pianist.

He had an accent that pronounced "pianist" as "penis." Ah, the pussy I could've gotten in life if only I never had anxiety attacks when trying to talk to girls.

In that gay Edward Cullen sort of way

Woke up pretty late. I was watching Casper last night (the 1995 film adaption of the old Casper the Friendly Ghost cartoons). During the part when Casper begins to remember his previous life and how he died ... um ... I started to maybe tear up. (But shut up! I can still kick your ass!)

Anyway, it stars Christina Ricci. It made me think about Edlin because she's always getting teased about how she looks like Christina Ricci (because she does) and hates it. If only Edlin wasn't STILL mourning how some guy she likes moved away, I would've gone for her.

Anyway, after that, I stayed up until 5:00AM watching porn, but the kind with non-actors. It's a nice change of pace from that studio-produced, scripted stuff with actors doing scripted sex.

I did jack shit today. So I just walked around the Red Robin and Jazz was sitting against the window in the back where they spend their break. I stood there literally a couple feet from her, watching in that gay Edward Cullen sort of way. If anyone asked, my excuse would've been I was listening to the restaurant's sound system. I listened to the songs just in case (1 of them was Counting Crows' Accidentally in Love from the Shrek soundtrack). I noticed Jazz had typical girly arms, which are skinny. She was just talking on her phone. Finally she went back to work. Then I went home.

Louis' (from Capoeira) Birthday party at Mission Bowl was tonight. His Birthday was last Thursday. Apparently, Angel's was 2 weeks ago, but Andres implied that we'd still be jumping them in the Capoeira tradition. But I didn't feel like driving to Louis' party. I'd rather be extracting the database.

Black Friday

My mommy woke me up to see if I wanted to do some Black Friday shopping. I remember saying, "Yeah" and immediately going back to sleep. I woke later, had some Thanksgiving leftovers for breakfast (albeit in the afternoon) and caught up with my mommy at the mall. We ate at McDonalds where I had a McRib sandwich for the 1st time. Then she went to work but I stayed behind to do a database run.

Sad news: Sword in the Stone went out of business. That was my go-to store whenever I couldn't think of what present to get for someone (i.e. Matt's double-sided knife, Stef's sword-letter-opener, my mommy's pepper spray).

Jazz wasn't working tonight. But I noticed some cute white girl walk into the Red Robin. She had 2 black friends with her (or maybe 1 of them was Indian, not sure). And later on, that same chick would keep passing by me at different parts of the mall. It was like God wanted me to put her in my database. She was blond - hard to tell if bottle blonde or natural or both, wore blue plaid, beige pants, and sneakers. One time, I was heading to the restroom and so was she. She was stuck in line for the women's whereas the men's had no line. If only this was a porn film, we would've exchanged cheasy dialogue, invited her to use the men's restroom so she wouldn't have to wait in line, the handicap stall would've been available since it's the most spacious, and bow chicka wow wow. But nooo. In this real life, I just watched her fade away into the parking lot while I held on to what was left of my erection.

I went to Hot Topic. This employee named Danielle, who holds me over whenever Jazz isn't working, wasn't there either. But this chick who's tatted up, and who's been working there for a while, was. Only tonight did I realize that she's actually a butterface. I don't know, maybe she needs to pluck her eyebrows or the hair's been damaged by too much black hair dye, but I'd prefer to be wasted if I ever had to fuck her. If only this was a porn film, she would've been storing alcohol in the backroom (because the workers seem like the type), invited me to do some shots, there would've been some corny reason to look at something in the fitting room, and bow chicka wow wow ... even if it's in positions were I wouldn't have to look at her face. But nooo. In this real life, I just looked at her from behind as she folded clothing in the Twilight merchandise section.

I was at the Americana when I saw Veronica (chick from my childhood, appears African, but considered Filipina since she was raised by her Filipina mom). Holy crap, she's suddenly pregnant. But she's not married! Last time I saw her, I was eating at the Cheesecake Factory (Veronica's a waitress there) with my mommy and Carlos and Michelle before they moved away. I remember hoping that none of them caught me staring at Veronica's ass while I thought to myself, I'd hit it. So when I saw her tonight, I was jealous that I didn't get to before she got knocked up. If only this was a porn film ... nevermind, any hypothetical sex situations involving pregnant chicks might sound disgusting.

Thanksgiving

What the F? I woke up after having a dream that I was having sex with Kelly Osbourne. I guess I was still thinking about how she should've won this season's Dancing with the Stars last Tuesday. Should've.

Anyway, today's Thanksgiving, my 2nd favorite holiday of the year (after Halloween). I just like to eat. My mommy sent me to some Filipino food store called Arko to pick up egg rolls and goat. Then I went to Ralph's to buy distilled water.

There was this chick standing next to me in line that I had to put in my database. She had light brown hair, a bad perm, about my height, and "an older woman" type of face. Wasn't sure if she was armenian because sometimes it's hard to tell these days, but if she was, I would've fucked her only out of spite. Now if this was a porn film, we would've exchanged cheesy dialogue, there would've been some corny reason to go back to her car or mine, and bow chicka wow wow (even though it would've been crowded since we're the same height). But nooo. In this real life, I just paid for my stuff and left.

I went to McDonald's for my junk food fix. There was this employee that I had to put in my database. She was some kind of latina with a pretty face.

RYAN: May I have a refill of orange soda?
CHICK: [Taking my cup] Sure. Hold on to your lid please.

I actually exchanged dialogue with her! Score! If only this was a porn film, we would've exchanged cheesy metaphors comparing sex to her refilling my cup, there would've been a pretentiously corny reason for us to end up in the backroom, and bow chicka wow wow. But nooo. In this real life, she refilled my cup, I said, "Thank you," and went home.

I had to stop by Ralph's again to pick up paper plates. My cousin Mark and my niece Mikaela were at my house. For the 1st time, Mikaela was able to not cry around me. She had always thought I looked like a villain out of a cartoon and cried out of fear whenever I came around. Hiro, my friend from Japan who had nowhere to go, arrived next. I grubbed on turkey with cranberry sauce, ham with tantalizing mustard, cranberry juice, fruit salad, coconut pastries, pumpkin pie, coffee, and cousin Andree's Birthday cake (fruit tart from Porto's Bakery).

I see your true colors shining through

Stopped by Baja Fresh for some nachos before finally going to Capoeira training today. The Glendale Marketplace was blasting Paul Van Dyk's Sandstorm. I've been having trouble making the earlier 4:00PM start time, but training today started at 5:30PM. So I thought I was finally gonna be early ... but no. Of all days, there was mad traffic. Something about heavy winds on the 118 forced everyone to clog the 210 freeway.

I finally saw the new room we landed. Today's class: Andres, Angel, Jesse II, Louis, Diana, and Brian (not to be confused with Brian at the GNC). Brian, who had to leave for Utah last summer, was in town for Thanksgiving break.

For my own boring reference, the 1st combo we drilled: meia lua de frente (inside ax kick), armada (spin kick), esquiva (dodge), meia lua de compasso (low spin kick). 2nd combo: meia lua de frente, armada, quexiada (ax kick), switch stance, meia lua de compasso. Then we played. Then the higher-ups interrupted us because they had to close the facility. And we continued playing outside. In my last game, I was playing Angel and my pants were falling down, but Jesse II bailed me out.

Then we talked:

• Brian says there's nothing to do in Utah except that a chick told him the clubs are in the city and "there's exstacy."
• In a lot of schools in Utah, boys and girls have Bibles placed between them while dancing to make sure they don't get too close.
• Everytime Andres joked about cutting a hole through the Bible to "hook up" while dancing, he eerily found new blood on his forehead.
• Andres' overly-Christian mom once freaked out when Andres placed another book on top of the Bible.
• Andres was once set up to check out a transvestite while in Brazil.
• A chick's ass implants went terribly wrong that they look like hamstrings.
• I shared the chapter of my life when I had to go out with a stripper.
• Girls Gone Wild is boring as it's just girls flashing for a shirt, which they do so quickly that the editors have to replay it in slow motion and pause it.
• Rebuked Diana's claim that she saw a Brazilian chick with no ass since "there's no such thing" and I reinforced it with, "I watch the [Brazilian] porn. Chicks have ass!".
• Andres FINALLY looked up the naked pics of Ashley Greene (Alice Cullen from Twilight) - saying, "I like Alice!" - and said he thought of me since I was 1st to break the news of it.
• Andres reenacted a scene from New Moon where Jacob Black takes off his shirt in slow motion with the cameras on his abs to wrap it around Bella's bleeding head.
• I shared how, whenever I have to shake hands with someone I don't like, I rub my hand down my crotch first out of spite.
• Somehow Andres hand went into Angel's mouth during their handshake and that's the new joke.

Ended the day with an all new episode of Glee that featured their cover of Cyndi Lauper's True Colors and then The Ultimate Fighter.

Mark Dacascos vs. Chuck Liddell

Rocked out in guitar practice again. Same song. Damn, Soleares is a LONG song to get through. And I just found out it's actually Flamenco (I've been calling it Classical this whole time).

I was about to go to the gym early to hit the weights, but stayed home instead to watch the Dancing with the Stars finale. Kelly Osbourne was robbed! Sure, Donny Osmond is an ok winner. And Maya was forgettable. But Osbourne was robbed!

BUT the most important part of the finale was bringing back past contestants of the season and giving us Mark Dacascos (of Martial Arts B-movies fame) vs. Chuck Liddell (retired UFC fighter):



HO.LY.FUCK!

Going to the gym to lift weights now.