Back in the saddle again

I took out my 9 postcards to send today. And then realized I needed 1 more. My mommy volunteered to by an extra postcard.

RYAN: Buy 1 with a rural design. Do you know what "rural" means?
MOMMY: Of course! What do you think of mom?

Malou relayed the request to the driver, Bernie, to get my postcards to the post office before it closes at 5:00PM. Bernie had dropped of my mommy at the hospital to visit my dad. Then my mommy, who has a compulsive problem of being a nagger, called to talk back and insist that I have my postcards delivered tomorrow because it would seem like the driver would be driving too much in 1 day. Hello! Earth to mommy's brain: What do you think the driver is being paid for? I put my foot down on it.

I finished writing 10 postcards by 4:15PM. Bernie and I left and tried to go Fast and Furious style with the van to the post office. We made it. Each postcard required 2 stamps. I spent 140 pesos in postage stamps.

I visited my dad in the hospital. My mommy pestered me again about not going to Confession before Christmas. We stopped by my Auntie Aida's place. Snacked on chicken adobo. Listened to some carollers sing at the door. Then went to church for some simbang gabi mass. My mommy caught me playing with my communion bread in my mouth. Went to some place with Singapore food for dinner. It was aight. I had chicken curry.

MOMMY: Your dad thought that, because you kept videotaping him this whole time, he was gonna die!

Whoops. My bad.

Now here's the real fun: Uncle Mon started teaching me to ride a motorcycle. I hadn't been on a motorcycle since the last time I was in the Philippines 2 years ago. I had a lot of near accidents then, and I had a lot of near accidents now. We'll pick this lesson up later.

Mommy arrived

Philip woke me up at 4:50AM to pick my mommy up from the airport. I watched the sky change from dawn to Twilight to sunrise (I always wanted to use the word "twilight" in a sentence that wasn't related to the books/movies). There were cameras everywhere as someone was shooting a documentary. Then my mommy arrived.

Stopped by the house for breakfast. Then went to visit my dad in the hospital. Auntie Aida called, just as she had been doing for the past few days to pretend like she was trying to visit just to be nice. My mommy got all excited.

RYAN: Mom, Auntie Aida's not coming. She only pretends like she's trying to just to be nice.
DAD: [laughs]
MOMMY: Don't make your dad laugh!

My mommy's ears haven't recovered yet from the pressure changes in the plane ride. I keep speaking low to make her paranoid as a joke. I went back home with Philip and Malou so we could "leave the oldies behind" in the hospital. I went back to sleep.

My other cousin Ken visited for the 1st time since I've been here.

KEN: Your bicep is big!

Fuck yeah! After not working out this whole time since I've been here, I still got it. Oh, and my mommy realized she accidentally left a shitload of money back at home in California.

Later in the hospital, I exposed all of my mommy's mistakes so dad and I could laugh at her.

MOMMY: (at me) I am never telling you another secret! You gossip too much for a boy!

My mommy then lectured dad about not eating chocolates because supposedly cancer cells feed on chocolates. I made fun of her claims.

DAD: I guess we'll have to hide from your mom when we eat chocolates.

We were watching a UFC recap show while my mommy went to buy food. For some reason, even after repeating a million times, she couldn't hear our orders on the phone. Dad started getting impatient, then pissed.

RYAN: You're making dad's blood pressure rise!
MOMMY: What? Did you say your dad wants rice?
RYAN: No goddammit!

We're home now. As planned, Philip tried to give my mommy Auntie Zelda's room so I can keep having my own room. My mommy tried making up some bullshit excuse that she's too scared to sleep alone. Thankfully, jetlag knocked her out as she lied down on Auntie Zelda's bed.

I leave you with a music video of Paul Oakenfold featuring Brittany Murphy:

Rest in peace Brittany Murphy

I watched the 1980s Batman movie starring Michael Keaton today on TV. After close scrutiny, I can say that it is not a real Batman movie. The most important characteristic about the Batman psyche is that Batman refuses to kill. In this 1980s version, Batman is killing left and right. That is not Batman. But Christian Bale's Batman got it right.

I think the 1-eyed-maid, Linda, thinks I'm grossed out by her having only 1 eye ...

LINDA: Do you need anything else?
[I accidentally glance at her missing eye and instinctively look down]
LINDA: Oh, sorry.

Dammit. My bad. But no one should have to apologize because they only have 1 eye. And then I found a hair in the corned beef. The other maids tried to investigate how that happened. Apparently, Linda was the 1 who cooked the corned beef. I lost my appetite and simplified the English to explain ...

RYAN: I'm not hungry.

They all laughed.

I called my mommy since she'll be arriving tomorrow. She was stressed out trying to get the luggage under the 50 pound weight limit, so she told me to call back later. I called later. She was at the airport complaining how the line was long. She told me to call back later. I called later. She was complaining how she couldn't carry her bag and hold the phone at the same time. Ha.

We visited my dad in the hospital. He's out of the ICU now. But we had to move him to a smaller room. 2 of the doctors working on him are friends of the family. They agreed to work on my dad for free since he had no job. But if they saw my dad had 1 of the swanky rooms, it might contradict our story that my dad had no money. So we moved hom to a really small room to keep the story consistent. But at least he has a TV.

Speaking of which, the news says that a volcano will definitely reupt. But fortunately, it's 310 miles away from us.

Then my dad and I made fun of my mommy some more.

I finally ate some of that casava cake that Lola Ellie brought during dinner. Baby Samantha forgot her Barney stuffed toy at the dinner table. That never happens. I put it on my lap. Then she returned to the kitchen and took it back like a diva.

I can't believe I have to wake up at 4:45AM to help pick up my mommy from the airport.

In closing, I found out Brittany Murphy passed away. Clueless was aight. But I liked her recurring appearances in Party of Five and Boy Meets World, and her roles on King of the Hill, Riding in Cars with Boys, Sin City, and my personal favorite 8 Mile (alongside Eminem).

Red Horse

Philip walked into my room to wake me up, saying something came up in the hospital.

I tried finishing my expired sapin-sapin for breakfast, but it was too much. I made my own breakfast for the 1st time with cereal and green tea. That's when I noticed 1 of the maids was missing. I miscounted when I earlier said there were 11 people living with us. It's 12. Auntie Zelda actually has a "babysitter" (as my dad put it). But since Auntie Zelda left for Washington D.C. this morning, her babysitter has also gone on vacation.

I finally used the phone card to call my mommy today. I tried the house 1st. No answer. Then her cell phone. No answer. Finally, her work number. She answered. Meanwhile, Stardust was on TV again. But mommy's pretty useless in terms of bringing over more stuff. She'll be leaving for the Philippines tomorrow.

We went to visit my dad in the hospital. Still in the ICU. He's bloated as some kind of side effect, not sure why. But he's better, despite not being allowed to talk.

RYAN: What should I tell mom?
DAD: I'm "getting better."

He even caught Philip snooping around the doctor's desk and told me to tell Philip that he'll get caught.

Dinner was a big mac and fries from McDonald's and a bottle of water. Philip also got a new room to avoid any potential retaliation for breaking up the nurses' noisy party last night. He also made me kiss my dad on the forehead again upon leaving.

We came home and there was this woman here with only 1 eye. Her name's Linda. She used to work here, but Auntie Zelda was actually angry because she only had 1 eye! So they had to let her go. But now that Auntie Zelda's on a plane to Washington D.C., plus since they need a replacement for Auntie Zelda's babysitter who went on vacation, 1-eyed-Linda's back to fill in.

I called my mommy again at her work. They couldn't find her.

PHILIP: Perhaps she escaped to finish some errands before she leaves to come here.

Had to try again later.

PHILIP: Drink your beer downstairs.
RYAN: Am I allowed to drink beer in front of the kids and everyone else?
PHILIP: Yes. I'm the boss! Your dad's not around, my mom's not around ... I'm the elder now!

So I drank my San Miguel Light around the house. The light beer here - I repeat, light - has more alcohol than the American regular beers! Philip sent the driver, Bernie, to buy more beer. They let me try a Red Horse, which its label emphasized was "extra strong." I was buzzed. 1-year-old-baby Maxine kept reaching for my beer. Philip gave her, along with 2-year-old Samantha, a taste. The babies didn't like beer. Also snacked on some sausages and these crab-chip-thingies.

RYAN: My mommy's asking what do you want.
PHILIP: Nothing. Just her presence.
RYAN: Ok. What do you want for presents?
PHILIP: No. "Presence," not "presents."

I called my mommy again. Philip updated her on all hospital news. Now I'm watching something on the Disney channel called Wizards of Waverly Place.

Won't that look gay?

Philip and Bong slept at the hospital to watch over my dad in the Intensive Care Unit. He sent the driver, Bernie, to pick me up along with Malou and Auntie Zelda (after 25 years, I just can't reprogram myself to start spelling her name correctly with the "S"). My dad had a couple of episodes throughout the night, but he was better when we got there.

PHILIP: Kiss your dad.
RYAN: Um, what?
PHILIP: Kiss your dad and tell him we're leaving to eat lunch.
RYAN: Won't that look gay?
PHILIP: No! You're his son!

I kissed my dad on the forehead before leaving to go eat lunch. We also asked his permission if it was ok for Auntie Zelda to leave tomorrow as planned to visit cousin Shiela in Washington, D.C. He said it was ok.

When we got home, Lola Ellie was praying in the living room. (Lola is the title for grandma or any other female elder relative.) She's my dad's aunt. Pretty healthy for a really old woman. She brought me casava cake.

We went back to the hospital with Lola Ellie. My dad caught me videotaping him. He made me stop taping him. As he slept in the ICU, we went to go chill in his assigned room. Suddenly, there was bad kareoke of Black Eyed Peas' I Got A Feeling - and in Tagalog! - booming through the walls.

PHILIP: They're lucky your dad's not in this room right now.

But eventually, it was so annoying that Philip went to management to inquire what the noise was, followed with a complaint. Plus, there were other patients anyway in their nearby rooms who unfortunately had to put up with it. It was the staff's Christmas party.

MANAGEMENT: You have to understand this is their Christmas party.
(Are you fucking -- F-U-C-K-I-N-G -- kidding me?!)
PHILIP: YOU have to understand this is a hospital where sick people are trying to rest!

The party stopped. Philip said if it started again, they would lose their jobs. You best believe that District Attorney Philip can realistically make it happen. We went to dinner.

PHILIP: I think they're mad that I stopped their party.
RYAN: If they say anything to you, I'll flex my muscles and intimidate them. From what I've seen, I'm bigger than all of them. I'll even wear a tighter shirt to make myself look bigger.
PHILIP: I should buy you a body shirt. (I guess that's what they call form fitting shirts here.) What if I bought you 1 with a midrift?
RYAN: I won't be able to intimidate anyone! Even if I held them high above the ground by their throat, against a wall, they will laugh at me.

I watched Stardust on TV. I remember watching this in theaters when it 1st came out, for free as I snuck into it during 1 of my movie hopping days.

Auntie Zelda is packing her stuff to leave for the airport at around 3 or 4AM in a few hours.

A dream double feature

We were eating at a Japanese restaurant for lunch, except for Philip who was at the hospital with Bong to watch over my dad. I was eating the same sushi that I eat back in Glendale (except this place didn't have the salmon eggs), plus more sushi and lemonade. But Philip called ...

PHILIP: Finish as soon as possible and come to the hospital immediately.

I actually ate fast, even finishing Auntie Zelda's shrimp tempura for her (it's still so weird just finding out for the 1st time her name's actually spelled with an "S") and getting another refill of lemonade.

Apparently, the nurses were taking my dad back to his room when he had a hard time breathing. So they took him to the intensive care unit and gave him oxygen with medicine. I did more guerrilla filming. Dad kept giving me the thumbs up to say he was ok. In the few words he spoke, he said ...

DAD: Sit.
RYAN: (I sit for the next few minutes)
DAD: Are [Philip and the rest] still outside?
RYAN: I think so.
DAD: Just go with them.

My mommy called the house later.

MOMMY: What is this about you videotaping?! Your dad's dying and your videotaping!

I watched Army of Darkness for the 2nd time since I've been here on TV. They show the 1 with the alternate ending where Ash (Bruce Campbell) sleeps too long and wakes up in a post-apocalyptic Britain. I never knew there was an alternate ending. The other one's better.

Dinner had some extra protein: ramen noodles, salmon and fish filet. They gave me this 4 seasons juice to try. They reminded me that I still hadn't opened my sapin-sapin yet (cake that I'm not sure what it's made of). I ate 1/4 of it. They told me it expires today. I'll finish it tomorrow.

I finished the bonus chapter of Mick Foley autobiography Have A Nice Day, thus officially finishing it.

Time to catch up on a couple of dreams I've had the past few nights.

• Dream 1: This was 1 of those weird dream within a dream's. I'm in an abandoned warehouse with Ash, Bruce Campbell's character on Army of Darkness, killing zombies. Somehow I become aware that I'm aleep in real life and this is a dream. Ash and I make it to the exit that's being guarded by some hot chick, who's on our side. She sort of resembles Ashley Greene (Alice Cullen on Twilight). I make out with the chick, but nothing more to avoid waking up wet in the real world. But I wake up anyway all wet and pissed because of it. BUT - and here's the real twist - I wake up again in the REAL real world and I'm all dry, and thus happy. End dream.
• Dream 2: I'm at some party hosted by my old co-worker Nancy Stricker. In real life, I've busted a #3 to her a bunch of times. In the dream, some crack whore is hitting on me and it disgusts everyone that they move to another room, led by Nancy. I follow everyone. But we somehow get teleported inside a school where a juggernaut outside sees us and comes after us. Oh, and my grade school classmate Laura Allen is with us. The rest plays out like a horror video game. We can't disapparate (teleportation in the Harry Potter universe) due to a machine that's blocking magic. We find the machine, but some of our party is killed along the way. We shut down the machine, join hands, and disapparate in the nick of time. I wake up. End dream.

Championship bout

I stayed up last night watching Twilight on TV. I was able to wake up without opening my eyes, thus pretending to still sleep when Malou walked in the 1st time and reacted like it was such a scandal that I was still asleep at ... 8:30AM! But the 2nd time, she woke me up saying we had to go.

PHILIP: What time did you sleep?
RYAN: Early.
Malou Early morning?

That's the same thing my mommy answers back with!

The family asked me what I wanted for breakfast. I jokingly said pancakes, a joke because the maids obviously wouldn't know how to cook that. When I went downstairs for breakfast, I found they had bought pancakes from McDonalds! There were 4. I finished 2, but only bit into the 3rd and had to rush to see my dad in the hospital before his operation - or the "championship bout," as he put it - at 11:ooAM.

DAD: Mom called me AGAIN.
RYAN: What did she say?
DAD: She said don't eat too much!

I got some video footage. When dad fell asleep, he rolled over, and we could all see his ass. My biggest regret was not catching that on video before Philip covered him with a blanket.

We went to eat at 1 of the many malls. I had a porterhouse steak and a blueberry and cheese crepe.

Dad's operation was done by 3:30PM. They took out the part of his lungs that had the cancer, but unfortunately found new lymph nodes.

When I got home to finish my last 2 pancakes, 1 of them mysterously did not have the bite that I left in it. That could mean only 1 thing: the maids prematurely threw them away when I left, but realized that I'd probably want them later, so they bought new ones.

I had packed a bunch of books in my bag and opened it for the 1st time. My mommy insisted I wouldn't read during my trip, so it was time to spite her. I picked up Mick Foley's autobiography Have A Nice Day, which Carlos let me borrow over a year ago. I haven't read it since I was in Italy 2 Septembers ago, last year. I actually finished it tonight, except for the bonus chapter.