6 PLATES of death

Last night, I went to Richard's Birthday gathering at NoBar in North Hollywood:

• Sabrina was there and I found out she just turned 21, meaning she was using a fake ID when I met her at Tonga Hut.
• The guy who made Sabrina's fake ID was obsessed with her and she cut him off as soon as she got her fake ID ...
• ... Nice. But too bad she can't help me now with my under aged friends who need fake IDs.
• Sabrina isn't Israeli like I thought (she's Russian Jewish), but I told her my story anyway from last weekend about how Israeli chicks selling cosmetics are more dangerous than strippers and she agreed.
• I noticed Sabrina looked better than last time, so I put her in my database.
• Gumby and his girlfriend, Amy, were there.
• I met this dude named Bahman who has known Richard and Gumby for a long time.
• Richard, Gumby, Bahman, and I sang along to Journey's Don't Stop Believing.
• I reminded Richard that he was voted in our high school yearbook as "Most Bashful," which he felt was awkward since it was alongside his ex-girlfriend.
• Richard told Bahman, I'm "built like a mutherfucker."
• Bahman claims that the Iron Shiek is his uncle.
• Bahman met The Undertaker before he was the Undertaker that he calls him Mark (The Undertaker's real name).
• Sergeant Slaughter taught Bahman an armbar, which he showed me (the cop armbar).
• Bahman hung out with Hulk Hogan through his uncle, the Iron Shiek.
• Bahman says Sergeant Slaughter and the Iron Shiek may have been rivals onscreen, but were best friends in real life.

BAHMAN: When I 1st had sex with a 40-something year old, I realized I had never had sex before. I was just masturbating with another person. You can have sex with a 20-something year old and not cum for 3 hours because they don't do anything but lie there.

RYAN: What is [Guinness] brewed with?
RICHARD: Heaven.

Richard was able to hook up discounts with drinks (I bought him a screwdriver, I bought myself Guinness) because he knows the bartender. Her name's Paula. I tipped her. She winked at me. She gives good wink.. Paula's in my database.

By midnight, my Facebook status read:

At a bar using a pool cue as an air guitar to Guns 'n Roses "Sweet Child 'o Mine"

BAHMAN: I need to take you to the cougar bar.
RYAN: Sweet.

Today, I saw Ninja Assassin at 2:00PM and then snuck into New Moon at 3:50PM. There was only me and a group of 3 kids in the entire theater watching New Moon. When Jacob Black phased for the 1st time into a werewolf, as planned, I stood up and yelled, "WHOOOOOOOO!"

Normally, I see a minimum of 4 movies (only paying for the 1st and sneaking into the rest). But I had to meet my mommy for dinner and this is my last Thursday (student discount days in which I still use my student ID) before going to the Philippines.

But 1st I stopped by Hot Topic. On my way there, I saw Angelica for the 1st time since Shannon's funeral.

ANGELICA: That's a nice shirt. (I was wearing my Twilight shirt.)

Then I saw Sheila, who was 2 years younger than me in high school, for the 1st time in I-don't-know-how-many-years.

SHEILA: That's ... um ... a nice shirt. (referring to the really low v-neck) Really sexual.

Apparently that New Moon tanktop I wanted must come with these girly pants.

RYAN: I don't suppose you can sell this tanktop by itself, can you?
HOT TOPIC DUDES: No, the pants go with it.
RYAN: Do these pants look too gay on a guy -- I'm sorry, whatever the politically correct word is.
HOT TOPIC DUDES: It's cool. (regarding the pants) It's not too bad.

My mommy and I had dinner at the Hilton. It was all you-can-eat.

WAITER: (at me) Do you drink beer?
MOMMY: No, don't give him beer. Give him something nice.
WAITER: Ok, I'll give him a tequila shot. It's nicer than beer.
MOMMY: ...
RYAN: What's the strongest beer you got on tap?
WAITER: Chimay. It's Belgium.
RYAN: Mom, is it ok if I have a Chimay?
WAITER: Are you at that age where you can drink, but you wanna be respectable?
RYAN: Yes.
WAITER: I was like that too! Then I went to Italy with my mom and I couldn't stop drinking in front of her! Have you been to Yardhouse? It's like the Disneyland of beer.

ANGUS: I like your belt (about my "Last Supper" belt)

I talked to this dude named Angus while waiting to get fresh crepes because the chef practically went on vacation. Angus is from Sydney, Australia (but born in Malaysia) where he works for a logistics company. He travels a lot, having been in California, Connecticut, and even the Philippines. He has a friend in Las Vegas who hosts something called I Am TV. Angus was able to take a fast car up to 170mph on a normal road. I'd be scared.

RYAN: If one were to vacation in Australia, what places would you suggest?
ANGUS: Cairnes. But it's kind of country-bumpkin-ish.
RYAN: How are the girls?
ANGUS: I guess they're hot. I think they're all right. But my American friends love'em. I think you guys just love the accent.
RYAN: Yeah!
ANGUS: It's nice you can have dinner with your mum. My dad just died. Took his own life after a long bout with depression.
RYAN: Oooh, I'm really sorry, man.
ANGUS: But I don't let it show on my face. Thanks for the condolences, though.

To make a long story short, I had 6 plates - yes, SIX - consisting of 2 lobsters, prime rib, leg of lamb, sushi, raw oysters, snails (don't hate), various seafood, crepes, ice cream, cakes, various junk food ... I thought I was going to die when I tried to stand up from my seat.

MOMMY: That guy (Angus) told me, "Your son is a gentleman and has a nice job." What did you tell him?
RYAN: I'm a stuntman.
MOMMY: What?
RYAN: It's technically true. I did 3 Martial Arts films already.